Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Behind The Smoke Screen

The best governments in the world cannot succeed in pulling a country out of the quagmire, out of apathy, if they do not express themselves as national energies...Strong governments cannot result either from conspiracies or from military coups, just as they cannot come out of the machinations of parties or the Machiavellian game of political lobbying. They can only be born from the actual roots of the Nation

Plinio Salgado

How do you deal with life when:

The source of your fortune has been stolen. The people entrusted to run it have betrayed you. The ringleaders who lead your banishment are now facing mountains of troubles parting the spoils, and since you are the sole key in restoring the balance, they hound you to fix the mess they created in the first place.

Now you want to pull out but you don't know how.


Your utol has run away for reasons only a nincompoop would understand. She doesn't talk to your mom to explain her side. She wanted to reach out to you hoping you would still understand. In truth, you're already royally pissed off. Her behavior is becoming too intolerable. You just want to leave her alone and bear the grudges until such time you're ready to lash back and hurl the bitterness you've stirred in silence.

What makes your suffering heavier is knowing that she's in the company of brats who passionately believe in an ideology that is long dead, while you toil day and night hoping that you meager salary could ease the burden of running a house that is on the verge of falling apart.


Your mom is sick again. She has a lump on her neck and you gravely fear it might be something else. You can't do anything about it. She doesn't want to see a doctor and her medicines are slicing deep into your pocket. You never complain. Instead, you quietly make some time to procure her needs.

To top this off, your personal income goes to paying the credit card bills and now that you have been denied access to the source of your fortune, all you can do is hope that your savings will be able to hold back the cascade of money troubles long enough until the sibling gets back to her senses.

Before it's too late.


At work, you are still in training. Learning becomes difficult especially when you're very afraid to fuck up with your decisions. Your salary get some boosts, but since your promotion isn't announced yet, everything could be taken away just when you are very desperate to prove your worth.


Lastly, someone got hurt very deeply. You don't know how to make up for the sins you've committed. You want to offer an apology, but words mean nothing now. You just burned a bridge that will let you pass where happily ever after exist on the other side. But you know you can't cross so you destroyed it. You destroyed it so that no one from the other side can pull you across to share his happiness. You have your reasons. Part of it is that you know you can't return his affection.

You can't share your troubled existence.

Therefore you put some distance and drove him away with words you hardly express. You wanted to spare him from your hang-ups, but in the process, left him disappointed. At night, you still think of could have been's if your life is solely yours. You know what you felt, but you had to kill it to save someone from yourself.


Juggling these juggernauts, I now understand why a State in peril requires a Fascist government.

It's because order is restored, hopefully, by embracing a one-track mind to survive.

But when the utol arrived home after this entry was published. I learned that fury has no place in a home that is still nurtured with...

...Instead of spitting the most vile words on the planet,

hatred was replaced by a tight hug.