Legacies (Finale)

Ano ba ang proseso nung application na sinasabi ng Engkantadia? mejo nahihiwagaan (LOL) ako sa grupo nyo kung ano ba talaga yan kaya hindi pa ako makapagdesisyon. (pero di naman siguro ako kawalan kung mag-apply man ako or hindi hahaha!)

Boss Master Tsip, August 6, 2010

I will cherish everything that we've shared and remember all our memories. You will always be special to me no matter what. 

Unreplied Letter, September 22, 2012

Looking back, I cannot remember having said something to put him in a bad light or discredit his character. There were truths to be told, yes, but history - from my perspective - has always been kind to him.

Hilom, July 31, 2013

The Pillow Talks

Daybreak is fast approaching. The drinking binge with friends is about to wrap up. But instead of staying for a post-alcohol snack, I hail the first cab I could find on the street. I need to get home not to nurse a hang-over, but to make a phone call to someone who is still awake, and perhaps waiting, for me to say "I'm in bed. Tulog na tayo."

-

Every night, JC and I talked before bedtime. It was a habit I grew accustomed to that at times he forgot to make a call, I was the one to speed dial his number.  

Just to hear him whimper and for me to say "sweetdreams."

You may find the arrangement rather odd, but given my nocturnal body clock, I prefer we go to sleep together at the time most convenient to him.

Before the Third came into my life, the nightly rituals with the previous exes were often limited to a few text messages to report that we were already home. The SMS read, "Gudnyt, Luv u." and that's all there was to say. Looking back, it was merely a ceremonial duty to make sure we didn't sleep at someone's place. The bonds we built lay on shallow ground, and for this reason, I have few memories of them.

But with JC, the "reporting" was a prelude to the pillow talks that would last for hours. Even when I was on night shift in the office, I would take breaks just to talk to my partner. His voice always made me feel at ease. And given his sunshiny personality, he had mastered the technique on how to crack and make me "talk."

For seldom would I speak my thoughts - even to a boyfriend.

JC let me into his world that I never got to see. He had weaved a tapestry of stories about his girl friends and college buddies, turning them into interesting characters that I was able to relate - and these are people I haven't met. There were nights he would share his dreams and frustrations. Aspirations like working in the Big Apple, returning to Europe for a grand vacation, or how he would have wanted to shift in a career, which he now belongs.

When we ran out of topics, he would ask me to listen and make a comment on his latest work - the covers he used to upload on his Soundcloud account. Sure there were times he would get miffed when all I did was to praise his performance. Seldom would I tell that he needed improvement because I really wanted him to sing 

- and because I cannot distinguish a musical note from another.

I never knew how he was as a singer before we met. Speculation is no longer of the essence for he had come a long way. What I hope is that in the time we were together - during the nights I pushed him to cover new songs - gave him the courage to perform with pride, now that he goes to KTV events I only get to know from common friends.

True to his legacy, there remains no denial of association: that the songs he used to sing still leaves me staring into blank spaces, or humming the lyrics in my head when I chance to hear them on the radio. So strong is the power of music, of how it conjures voices and scenes that a date once told me his favorite song and asked me to listen. Instead, I returned the earphones upon getting struck by the familiar tune. I didn't tell the reason for not playing the music from start to finish. 

Only after giving him a pained smile did he figure the answer.

Because of the nightly pillow talks, I began paying more attention to heartfelt conversations with souls I truly connect with. The bedside communion has also spared me from the messy random hook-ups I did at some point in my life. I maybe beset with troubles caused by premature attachments from time to time, but the peace afforded to me by JC and our union endures, a year after we walked our separate ways.

-

Rumination affords a ponderer to look back on the good days, and see with clarity, how the past shapes the present.

But looking at JC from across the table - on the night a year after our separation, I cannot help but lament how we turned out to be: distant, awkward, and with a hint of coldness; like we never had a history to speak. I know it is my own doing. The overwhelming pride, and refusal to admit my fault; and my penchant for pad-locking my doors on the past. But maybe, because there are really no words to say. No memories to bring back and cherish because these are bound to remain buried - when it gets replaced by new experiences shared with my Fourth - and his Second. And secretly, as I drink my watered-down beer at the casa, it makes me weep knowing the fleetingness of our existence: 

That we have been reduced to mere acquaintances.

And should he gets to read these entries one day, when it is his time to remember what we were. May he find comfort that beyond the growing wordlessness, there remains a part of him that will always belong to me. He will always have a special place, fit for someone who took risks to take a journey with me and paint a story.  

So for the last time, let me cherish the littlest gestures that made Baabaa special. May this parting gift serves as a remembrance; that his legacies will live on - even when we find ourselves in the arms of another deserving of our love.

- The way he tells you to trim your nose hair and take a bath before going to bed.

- The Independent Film festivals he asked me to attend with him.

- Beyonce, Ed Sheeran and Kyla.

- The word "Akap," which I have not said to anyone until now.

- The manner how we always end our phone calls with "1... 2... 3... Mwah, mwah, mwah."

-end-

    

Legacies (Second Part)

Nangarap akong ma-treat sa isang restaurant. Yung tipo bang gigimik kami na hati sa gastos at hindi na lang laging ako ang taya. 

Ikalima, April 21, 2008

The Unwritten Dinner Dates

I just turned twenty nine.

And like it has always been, there is the blowing of the cake (while everyone in the house sings "Happy Birthday"); the obligatory blog entry to mark the occasion; and the solemn pilgrimage to the church to give thanks for another lease in life. These are the highlights of the day, and traditions have remained in place since the first time I put up a blog about my birthday.   

For the partner to remember it first (a simple phone call at the strike of midnight), already completes my day. This, JC has never forgotten no matter how busy he was at work. What I didn't expect were the surprises he was brewing. A simple stay at home bonding would do, but with him, he elevated the evenings into fancy dates not one of my other exes had done in the past.

I no longer remember the execution. Only the places we have been - and I would never set foot again. First was at Conti's in Bonifacio High Street, where I had my first bite of Mango Bravo. I remember, he thought of sending the cake at my workplace for reasons I never asked. Realizing the ice cream cake would melt before reaching its destination, he called off the plan and went on to date me instead.

On my 30th birthday, he made dinner reservations for two at the posh Heat restaurant at the Edsa Shang-ri La Hotel. To feel overwhelmed was an understatement. The surprise was beyond comprehension. For never in my grandest illusion would a partner treat me at such an expensive place. 

It was a buffet, I recall, an eat-all-you-can dinner where you can pick not only local cuisine to dump on your plate, but foreign dishes too. I remember the Japanese table where I had to expand my stomach capacity just to gobble as many pieces of Shrimp Tempura as I can. Humbled and deeply moved by his surprise, I thought of keeping the memory to myself. 

Until today.

Dinner dates aside, it made me realize why the Third was worth the wait. It didn't matter that I had to remain single for two years - moving from one failed date to another - because the one who would finally come gifted me the essence of companionship; of tangible stories you can remember every time you return to the places you have been together. And this doesn't only cover the special celebrations. From the movie dates we had, to the work-in-coffee shops he did - where I trailed behind to remind him to finish his tasks - there I found what I have been searching in a relationship. 

Never would discontent cross lines with my consciousness in the almost two years we've been together.

JC showed what he was as a boyfriend and for this reason, I was more than willing to show what a partner I could be. For his 24th birthday, I paid careful attention to his random musings. Saktong napadaan kami sa isa sa mga upscale restaurants sa Greenbelt 5 one time when he mumbled: "I wanted to dine in a fancy restaurant..." Not the exact words, of course, but the runaway thought was enough for me to roll a birthday celebration I have never done before.

A dinner date for two at Zuni's.

I knew the dates and hang-outs would just get even better the more I become accustomed to the tastes of the partner. And JC has fine tastes. Out of my sincerest desire to make him feel special, not only did I search into the sleeping high-breed in me. In many ways, I had to realign my attitude, to catch up and become worthy of being his other half.

Thus, on his 25th birthday, five months after his treat at Heat, I booked the classiest hotel in Tagaytay for our first out of town vacation. 

Never again would I attempt such feats - even when impressing others after our dissolution.    

-tobecontinued-

Legacies (First Part)

But you deserve that kind of love too. The one that would wake you up every morning, bring you food when you're hungry, fetch you at work, accompany you in your errands, takes care of you whenever, wherever.

Unreplied Letter, September 22, 2012

(L-R Top-Bottom: J-Bear and Mugenbear, Kelly Heights Antipolo, Taal Vista Hotel, Tagaytay)

The countdown ends, three hundred and sixty five days later. When you know the relationship has been put to rest, and what lingers are the memories you have not spoken in ages. For some, a year can be measured in a lifetime. For others, it is just a passing day - with the past - overwritten with what the present is shaping. Unremembered, some unions never leave the realms of limbo, because there are words ex-lovers forgot to say. Perhaps, some thoughts on forgiveness and acceptance, or gratitude for a journey in a life seldom shared.

The ending has been told to friends, and to others who have witnessed how love found its way into these dreary pages. It was unexpected. Beautiful. A pleasant surprise, for a war-weary soul that I was. I will not speak of how the love withered, for it only defies what history has already judged. What is there to tell is how the union brought lovers to new heights; how the experience allowed me to nip perfection. For JC has left footprints, many of those are still visible today.

The Digital Revolution

As I write this blog entry, I am using Torrent to download a movie. Trivial as it sounds, but it was JC who introduced Isohunt to me. Without his influence, I would still remain stuck stacking pirated DVDs bought from Quiapo. Nothing will ever change, as I find joy getting lost at Hidalgo.

But it is not the gift of Torrent that JC will be remembered. For the fast internet connection would never reach home without the courage he had given first. It was a time when the old desktop computer was on the verge of breaking down. I had no plans of replacing it, as I am used to playing video games with hardware-replaceable machines.

Laptops were becoming the trend, and as a writer, it would be more convenient to write drafts wherever I want. To buy a portable device would be practical as the old desktop no longer can take any more upgrades. However, there are bad memories to face, as my first laptop went to someone else. It was a very difficult period, because I had to bleed cash for more than a year just to pay the machine in full. 

The laptop was never returned - even after the break-up. 

So imagine how symbolic it was when JC volunteered to accompany me to buy my second laptop. He knew what brands to select and the best place to find them. Between the haggling and comparison of specs - to moving from one store to the next, it felt like a past has been corrected. To see a boyfriend actually telling me things I barely know was a breath of fresh air. 

He was truly a partner.

And thus began the snowball effect. With the acquisition of the laptop, the dial-up connection was upgraded to broadband. Within a few months, fiber-optic cables gave way to WiFi as my sister got her hand-me-down Netbook. For the first time, Internet was shared at home.

A year would pass after the break-up and the laptop JC and I bought at Gilmore is still working. Approaching it's third year, it is bound to be replaced as its components are already showing the effects of obsolescence. Meanwhile, two other portable machines (one owned by the babysitter), a tablet and three smartphones use the WiFi. Never in our family's history would we be so wired, and in-touch with the rest of the planet.

-tobecontinued-

Daybreaker

It was one of those nights, when one's body clock keeps a sleeper away from slumber. For me, it's those wretched midnight spells. Unable to repeat the REM after a three hour nap, I woke up, only to say goodnight to Baabaa and went on to finish the last leg of this season's raketship.

Writing the children's article took two hours to put to sleep. And when I'm done, I checked the time and it's already past 4 in the morning. "Time to start my day," I said while shutting down my laptop. No matter how dank and dark it was downstairs, I went to the kitchen to heat some water.

I have to be at the monasterio before sunrise.

It was raining when I left the house. Saw the next-door neighbor open her store for early risers inside the compound. The water puddles mirrored the lighted stairwell of a multi-floor apartment. My umbrella held its shade, despite the freezing rain pouring in. It didn't help that I wore a light shirt and a walking shorts going to my destination. The LRT Station, while still empty of human presence was already showing traces of activity. There was a lone teller who gave me the magnetic ticket and the security guards roaming the platform for any soul stupid enough to jump across

and fly. 

Inside the train, laborers and students were already filling the empty seats. Meanwhile I turned my gaze outside, to the distant lights of a waking cityscape.

"Indigo sky. Lovely. This is the reason I love daybreaks." I posted on my Twitter. I've always been a sunset person. The one you'd see staring blankly into space as the sun disappears on the horizon. But there are times I turn my back and crane my neck to the east. It's difficult for a nocturnal person to chase the sunrise, but seeing the world in slumber, about to open its eyes to a new day is a sight worth waiting.

The Santa Clara Church has always been a refuge in times of helplessness. The habit I got from my elders. I go to this place to seek divine intercession. Mom says I should write a letter to the nuns. But I digress. I tell myself,

God knows my reasons.

I used to go here late in the afternoons. To find bliss; to feel the earth moving as the sky swallows the sun. But these past two visits, I show up at sunrise, along with the geriatric flock who attends the morning mass. I skip the Eucharistic celebration because of personal beliefs. But one would find me at the spot where the candles give up their light.

A quiet reflection at the monastery and the hearty breakfast at Jollibee along Katipunan would turn out to be just a stopover. For what the early morning trip really gains to accomplish is to stay up late so I can wake up my partner for his job interview at 10.

What I didn't see in the pattern is that he can simply rouse himself from sleep and refresh his memory about the subject he will talk about. And that's what he did when I got a text message while chomping my Champ. Unlike the last time we both woke up late for his job interview, this time, he thought of reading his notes before showing up to the human resource representative.

"Uwi ka na..." He said.

"Opo." I answered, before having a bite of the criss-cut fries. The limited offer I learned from an online acquaintance early that morning.

But the truth is, I'm not done yet. Not when I'm fully awake, and has no plans of turning around and sink beneath the growing mass of cars and trucks converging along Katipunan Avenue. Instead, the passage took me to the last remaining trees of Diliman, where daisies bloom on concrete islands and hovels - once homes to humble families - become ruins of a road-widening project.

The sun peeked through the clouds when I reached the great highway. Suburbanites from the northeast line the intersection in hopes of finding a bus or an FX that will take them to their destination. The brutality of the chase; of grabbing an empty seat before a fellow passenger does might be too much for an unseasoned commuter. For someone who hardly goes through such an ordeal, the dizzying road scene makes him appreciate living accessibly to his workplace.

Most people I've seen that morning have already reached their workplaces and schools when I reached my destination. A place full of life, but often overlooked because of shopping malls looming over the horizon. Though my head was filled with dreams of turning my home into an oasis of greens. Learning from the past, the Eden project I had in mind must be approached with baby steps.

And I guess coming from this daybreak trip, I've figured where to start.  

Only The Best

It was ambitious and I did it because... 

A Hollow Passage

Sinful delight

Baabaa and the sky

Off we disembarked from the jeep in front of a hotel with a commanding view of the lake. I was able to book a room at half the price. To get a suite without the vista was a forgivable offense. After all, there is a king-sized bed, a flat screen TV and fast WiFi to compensate for what we didn't get.

It was Baabaa's birthday and he knew I was up to something. He told me earlier last week that if I'm cooking up a surprise, he would appreciate a modest celebration. Baler would come to mind. But lacking readiness, I chose to scrap the Pacific getaway for an intimate bonding in the highlands instead.

There is a thin line between modesty and elegance and what I had in mind was a whiff of indulgence. To be sure, certainty came at the last minute and even I didn't have an idea how to pull off the surprise.

There were many limitations to what we could do. Chief among them was the lack of wheels to show him around. We also left the metropolis a bit late and JC had work that evening. Gone are my dinner plans at Sonya's Garden, a visit to one of the convents dotting the ridge, and perhaps even a tour of the Palace in the Sky at the edge of the city.

But JC and I had a good time. I got to see a shooting star as it trailed across the sky - while having conversations with a dear friend who dropped by. I crossed the street, went to McDonald's and bought a Double Cheeseburger Meal for me and the partner at past 1 in the morning. And stayed until daybreak to make sure the beloved gets some sleep before our return to Manila later that noon.

And we get to learn each other's quirks too - Like me, bringing the blanket I use in bed, and him, getting distraction from YouTube to find that clarity he needs for work. These are some of the little things we only got to know because we went out of town, stayed overnight and lived like a domesticated couple for the first time.

It was ambitious, yes and I did it for that one reason all of us become the best.

Love.

The Lego House

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love
I'll pick you up when you're feeling down
And out of all these things I've done
I think I love you better now.

Unofficial

At past 3 in the morning:

"Kanina ka pa dumating?" She asked.

"Kakarating-rating ko lang po..."

"May kasama kang umuwi?"

"Ako lang mag-isa..."

"Umuwi ka lang mag-isa?"

"Sinabay ako sa taxi..."

"Hindi mo kasama si JC?"

I was tempted to say that JC was with me the whole time. But to do so might put me in a quandary where a categorical answer would spawn more questions. Her five-word inquiry, despite its naivety, packs a clear undertone. It's essence, no matter unspoken points to a certain recognition.

"Hindi po mama..."

The conversation ended there, as the matriarch needed to pee. She immediately got out of bed and lumbered towards the bathroom. Meanwhile, I was left sitting on the edge of the mattress, watching baby Lenin sleep, with a big smiley drawn on my face.

   

Una

The idea for my first blog entry of the year was to write my twelve resolutions. But the plan was brushed aside when JC took this photo with his Panasonic Lumix G2 Camera. 

My partner then uploaded it on Twitter. 

The close-up of a weed with overcast skies in the background had left me spellbound. The subject conjures mixed feelings of tranquility and isolation. There is something about the vespertine image that I cannot put into words, but the subliminal message it attempts to convey somehow distills into a song.

When I look at the picture, Yoav's cover of the Pixies' "Where is my Mind" loops in my head.

    

Cartography Of Veins

It all started when JC sent an SMS asking for directions.

"Hala Baaaboo." The message read. "Yung friend ko di alam pano umuwi sa kanila. Haha. Pano ba magtaxi papunta jan sa area? Sanay kasi na may driver. Lol."

I sent a reply asking my partner where his friend will be coming from. As much as I would like to help, her whereabouts is needed so I can tell exactly the streets she must pass through.

"Alam na daw nya pag andun na sya sa area. She just needs to get there. Manggagaling siyang Rockwell. Let's say papunta na lang jan sa inyo pano?"

Instincts hint that something is odd about his statement. It seems like someone is cooking up a plan. But rather feel nosey about the hypothetical inquiry, I opened my desktop's Google Map to plot on the digital chart the taxi's swiftest trajectory.

"Tell your friend to cross the Rockwell bridge." I instructed. "Dire-diretsuhin lang nung driver yung Barangka drive until he reaches Nueve de Pebrero..."

As I traced with my fingers the streets on my computer's flat screen, I remember those late nights when I used the same passage to get to Makati from the gym in Shaw. Cheesy as it may sound, but those roads were my direct link to JC when he used to work in one of the office towers along Ayala Avenue.

Somehow, I felt the memory's distance. Like a footnote at the end of a page, the disused shortcut had become a mere reference for someone whose sense of direction require a little fine-tuning.

"Once you find Shaw Boulevard, turn right on the street across Puregold. There's a Shell gas station next to it. Dirediretso na yun going to Wilson."

JC asked several more questions that put my office within walking distance of his friend's residence. But gullible as I am, by then I was able to suppress whatever doubts still lingering in my head. Drowned with thoughts of the gym, and with my resolve further weakened by my inability to think clearly because of sleeplessness, I realized the ruse only when my phone started humming its melody to tell an incoming call.

It was a missed call from Baabaa. Immediately, I left my workstation to return his call.

"How's my baabaa, still in Greenbelt?"

"Wait... choppy ikaw, can you find an open spot where the signal is much clearer?" I left the narrow corridor to walk towards the building's lower-level rooftop. JC still grumbled about the phone's poor reception.

"Teka asan ka ba?" I asked.

"Andito sa baba ng office niyo..."



From a passing mention of a female ex-blockmate who lives within the vicinity, to finding my partner standing outside the building with a faint smile on his face, was beyond words. Even the poor reception was faked hoping I would show up in one of the building's balcony. Alas, our room faces the sunrise direction.

Heaven knows how difficult it is to find my office, especially for an outsider who doesn't know the maze of streets along the peripheries of Mandaluyong and San Juan.

The effort alone speaks of JC's wonderous intentions. But to receive something like this, as Christmas present:

Makes you see his triumphant arrival the fruit of his quiet journey, steady and straight to my heart.

On Gay Marriage Last Pt.

Previously on Souljacker

February 14, 2003

It was past 7 in the evening. Lovers were everywhere. Restaurants and hotels were fully booked for dates and other expressions of intimacy. While lonely singles banded together for group dates and bachelor parties. 

Meanwhile, there I was in Dapitan. The street was empty. There was a girl using the phone booth and she was crying while talking to someone on the other line. I can't remember why I'd be using the phone after her. All I know is that I just had a fight, and had this urging to let go once the boyfriend call it quits. 

I won't run after him.

"You know what, I'm willing to give up everything. I'm willing to shell out so you can make both ends meet. Because you are my partner. Pero tama ka, break na tayo." I cleared my throat before pressing the button to send the reply.

Barely four months after meeting the stranger, my first man to man relationship had ended. 

The split was welcomed with more jubilation than grief. My friends were behind me, (they never liked him in the first place) I've suffered for far too long that I was already plotting my exit. During the first two months, a day won't last without him picking up a fight. He would accuse me of cheating - even when I report to him at 6 in the morning and before I go to sleep at night. I even used our landline to assure him I was already home. On weekdays, I had to pick him up at work - not because he wanted to, but to let him know how dead serious I was with the commitment. 

Because I was living a dream, at 21, while he dwelt on jadedness at 28.

The guy after him was no different. We lasted five years but all I remember now is how I kept my growing world hidden while our point of convergence straddled along the lines of personal convenience. He showed up only to use my computer for school, or he needed extra money to jack up his finances. 

There were good times. But these were buried under heaps of emotional baggage and dissolved under the bitter awakening of how tiny our relationship had become. The aftertaste served as the fuse that lead to the end of our relationship. Had you read my deleted blog, you would understand the struggle, and for this reason, I never saw a future - much less - a permanent union.



God knows I had loved those men. He knows how I had surrendered every inch of me not only for their happiness, but for mine as well. He knows how I tried to make the relationship work despite its slow crumble. While on television, on online forums and in the streets, gay people assert their right to marry. The debate went on in the halls of congress like a poorly-rated musical shown season after season.

The motion gets junk before its first reading simply because the bigots say gay marriage is an affront to the Almighty.

Did my maker say that?



I stand by my faith that not a single word is found in the Scriptures, where Christ condemned people like me to eternal damnation. I have never known Him forbidding a man to love another man when it is sincere, heartfelt and drawn out from selfless inspiration.

And I believe too that a covenant meant for life doesn't need a priest as a witness. Love is between two people. The less fanfare it has, the deeper the attachment is. I've heard stories of gay couples marrying in a Metropolitan Church complete with media coverage only to divorce a few years later. Besides, a commitment is a work in progress. The attachment wears off from time to time, so it must be renewed by new shared experiences, and sometimes, even common struggles.

There are moments when I still ask myself if I was meant to go through two failed relationships and six wasted years so I may become wiser with the present one. Surely the scars remain with the first, and I have been less susceptible to revolts, after waging a protracted rebellion in the time of the second lover. I have also ceased relying on forever and instead, have learned to place my faith in love at present. I guess these are their legacies.

As for gay marriage, the aspiration will be realized sooner than we think. There is no need to rush, or worse, display those trappings of travesty when a gay man wears a bridal gown during Pride events. Everything falls into place, including collective perception.

As for me, I can afford to wait, and surely JC too, as we are both partners whose union is shaped by age. And if the time comes we decide to live together. A government recognition and protection will do.

After all, I speak of our creator everytime his thoughts cross mine.

For we already share a journey.

Final Distance

I wanna be with you 
Someday even this distance 
We'll be able to embrace 


Utada Hikaru
Final Distance 

It is half past midnight and I am on a bus heading to a place I have only seen in the front page of a daily newspaper. As to why my feet lead me there, only the heart could tell.

Beyond the glass window is a sea of darkness. Who would have thought that after living so long in the city, my soul would grow weary of the wilderness.

The mind is second guessing whether to proceed.

But the sea is calling in words I cannot refuse. Not just the sea but that jut of land at the edge of the landmass. My heart tells me to be there. I need to. There is a desire to shorten the oceanic distance.

A flash of lighting in the horizon, and then I remembered. A few days ago I was hard-pressed to pick the last location for the Larawan set. Must I choose the airport, where partings and eventual reunions take place?

I was there when JC left not just for abroad but at times when his presence was needed in his hometown. Two months ago, I was the last person he saw before boarding the plane. Come to think of it, he may end up in my arms should his plane lands at odd ours of the morning. 

Should I choose Contis instead, that fancy restaurant at Serendra? It is where Baabaa treated me for my birthday. To this day, the sweet aftertaste of the Mango Bravo lingers in my mouth. Like that memory of December when we strolled around The Fort, took pictures of big dogs and went shopping for my Christmas presents.

But in the end, what I chose was the most inconspicuous of places. The very spot where my heart was reborn and my words became one with the assembly of candles.

Monasterio De Santa Clara, Katipunan

“And I lit this second candle for the one who would come, so that in happiness and defeat, someone already cares.” And that one would be the Notthewimpykid, two years later. My life has remained in blissful recluse ever since.

If there is one reason I am temptation proof, and whose near-infinite patience can rival those of a monk despite my suppressed madness, it is because I gave my word while I was there – at the monasterio – and for all the times it was broken, my union with JC is my atonement.

Seldom are we given third chances.

Kapag nangungulila si kabiyak at magkausap kami sa Skype, he would joke around and tell me to buy a plane ticket so I could go to Ottawa and meet him at the park. He would sneak me inside his room so we could be together.

What he didn’t know is that I play with my imagination too. For someone who loves giving surprises, I would like a replay of what I did the first time we met.

“Baabaa! Grabe mamamatay na ako dito! Didn’t know the weather is a killer!”

“Huh asan ka ba?”

“Go out of your house, I’m trying to find a raccoon. Ayaw mo mag-take ng pictures eh.”

And then when he opens the door of his apartment building somewhere along Loretta Avenue, bigla ko na lang siya susurpresahin at sasabihing, 

“Happy Anniversary!”

Yeah Mugen, in your dreams.

But you know what, I am not the kind who would settle for anything less. Especially on special occasions. Maybe it is in my nature: to spring out of the box when nobody thought I could jump. I really don’t know. I guess I’m just saying that love can make people fly.

Conceived without anyone knowing; drawn without revealing the artist's true blueprint; executed precisely, hopefully, to the last detail, this is my resounding response to Baabaa’s wishful thinking:

Pacific Sunrise, Santa Ana, Cagayan

  

I know my feet won’t get me there, across the vast ocean, but let these currents carry my heartfelt words; no matter where you are, I will always find a way to walk after you.

Larawan Last Part

And so we have come to the last part of the Larawan series, where, in my attempts to trace back our footsteps, I have gathered my strength to return to the places that serve as milestones of my long and fruitful journey with JC.

Twelve images. Twelve places. Twelve months. Sino ang mag-aakala na sa nilayo-layo ng aming nilakbay, nandito pa rin kami at hindi napapagod. 

The first four pictures tell the story of our beginnings, while the previous four became the crests of our union. For the final set, the photos whisper in hushed tones the sublimity of our relationship. For love cannot stand alone by going out and seeing places.

It is the simple things that let your bond take roots.

Paco, Manila

JC sometimes complain about our "uwian" arrangement. It is because he always leave the cab first. Kunsabagay, we always come from Makati and his place being nearer, it is natural for me to drop him off the cab before I do.

What he didn't know is that there is a reason for it. I often choose the hang-out spots closer to his place so that I could see to it that he leaves the cab right in front of his house. Siyempre, when the hang-out spot is nearer to my place, he insists on the opposite. Para nga naman equal kami.

Ang hindi niya alam, meron akong counter proposal. Instead of him travelling to his house - alone, at night - I see to it that he sleeps over. I'd rather have him by my side than let him off the streets.

Jomanian Homeworld

There was this one time I got so drunk that I had to take a detour to my partner's place to take a leak. Akala ko na hanggang sala lang ako makakaabot knowing the security risks once he get caught bringing a stranger inside the house. To my surprise, he allowed me to make weewee at his toilet for me to see his room. I was even able to lie in his bed, kaso sa sobrang hilo, I had to get up. Besides I couldn't stay long.

I wouldn't talk much about the great things that happen when he stays over my place. Besides, we all know what happens when two men share a single bed. But to see him leave after staying in for the night is a different story. For all my tough and independent posturing, at the end of the day, I am left hating the feeling of finding myself suddenly and abruptly disconnected.

Salcedo Park, Makati

I have already written scores of narratives about this patch of greens behind the towering monoliths of Ayala. The park was once our tagpuan, The open space had also become my tambayan while waiting for Baabaa to call it a night when he was still working in one of the office towers there.

But this is not what made Salcedo Park special. Sure there was the friendly cat I carried in my arms, and the cute kid who waved at me while serenely sitting on a bench. It was the kind act, the unprecedented gesture from JC that made this place something worth remembering.

It was past one in the morning and the partner wasn't done yet with work. The happy camper in me was willing to wait, kahit na pinapapak na ako ng lamok sa tabi ng puno. Nabusog naman ako sa food na bigay niya sa akin earlier that night. A short conversation with mahal and then an idea was conceived. He asked me to meet him at the lobby.

He would let me stay in his office.

He introduced me to the guard on duty as his cousin. I in turn played the act. While he was busy resolving the problems with his codes, I was there seated beside him playing Angry Birds on his iPhone. Soon we realized it was already past 2.

Baabaa was able to accomplish his tasks that morning, while I went home happy to see that the partner is slowly acknowledging my presence. Just a few months before, I asked him to accompany me at work just for him to see my office. He returned the idea with a dreaded stare.

It was raining when I went back to the same spot a week before this entry was published. Gone are the cats who made the park their home. Gone also are the kids and their attendants who often held picnics at past midnight. What welcomed me was an empty park and a heavy heart knowing the place is bound to dwell in my memory.


- to be concluded -

Larawan Second Part

Baabaa was asked sa isang online forum kung saan daw ang pinakamemorable date niya.

Kelly Heights, Antipolo

His answer was Antipolo.

Bilang isang hamak na stalker sa forum na iyon ay napangiti ako sa kanyang sagot. Malay ko ba na yun pala ang special place namin para sa kanya. Kelly Heights has always been my retreat every time I'd like to run away from the city. It is fairly inaccessible, the food, albeit mediocre in taste and looks, is uber-pricey for an average joe, but the vista of the city is breathtaking. On a clear, cloudless afternoon, one can even catch a glimpse of the sun as it sets gracefully in Manila Bay.

When I brought Baabaa there, we are not yet an official couple sa blog. Sa aking pagbabalik upang isulat itong entry, tuwing pagmamasdan ko yung table kung saan kami naupo ay paulit-ulit na sumasagi sa diwa ko ang mga salitang 

"walang nakakalimot" habang parang tangang nakangiti sa kawalan.

White Moon Bar, Manila Ocean Park

When asked the same question, my answer would be White Moon.  

The Manila Ocean Park date was actually a fulfilment of a promise. Sabi ko kasi kay JC nung naglalandian pa kami sa SMS na isasama ko siya sa Intramuros for him to experience riding the Pasig River Ferry up to Guadalupe. The problem is, the ferry service went bankrupt. We stayed instead at Starbucks then did a walking trip along the walled city up to Luneta.

It was almost sunset when we got to Manila Ocean Park.  

In an instant, my world had transformed upon seeing the bay. I could almost picture us lounging in one of the white vinyl sofas while sipping a glass of Margarita. Ambient sounds play in the background as the sun sets in the distance. Kulang na lang ng infinity pool para sabihing we're lapping the life of luxury.

Matapos maubos ang tall glass of Iced Tea na nagkakahalaga ng 100 pesos, kumain kami ng grilled pusit na nilalako ng mga ambulant vendors sa tabi ng Quirino Grandstand.

Cafe Alejandra, Makati

Pilian ng rest days during the company manpower shuffling last year, I said they could throw me on any shift as long as I would get Saturdays as my off. That's my only condition. The resulting trade-off left me working on Sundays on graveyard shift and having my Wednesdays as my other rest day. Ako lang ang bukod tanging employee na permanenteng hiwalay ang rest day.

To make the most out of my days off, Wednesdays have become the Baabaa day. Sa araw na ito ay nagkikita kami ni partner kahit siya ay may trabaho. We sometimes watch movies. But most of the time, we just settle in a place where there is free wifi so I could keep him company while doing his work. When I have pending articles for Bentusi, I turn my idle time into something more productive.

Sino ang magsasabi na ang mag-partner ay hindi maaring maging workmates?

Greenbelt Church, Ayala Center

It was JC's birthday and I had something planned for that day. The kid had no idea what's in store for him. Ako yata itong magaling mag-surpresa. Mind you, it comes with age.

After watching Angel Locsin's In the Name of Love, dali dali ko siyang dinala sa simbahan, hindi para magpakasal kundi magpasalamat. It has been a good year for him and as a partner, I believe a visit to our Father's house would be most appropriate. 

It was too early to call it a night. Besides, sinadya ko talaga siyang gutumin nung araw na yun dahil for the first time, I'd be treating someone in a fancy restaurant. Yung entree pa lang, mabigat na sa tiyan.

I threw the partner a birthday celebration he wouldn't easily forget. As for me, I realized that I could start a career as an events planner. Seriously, to see him enjoying every moment of our time is already a befitting reward.

I couldn't ask for more.

- itutuloy - 

Larawan First Part

Ang bilin ng mga matatanda, ang taong hindi marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan ay hindi alam ang pupuntahan.

So here we are, looking back at where this sweet thing called love brought us.

McDonalds, UN Avenue

May masama akong balak ng gabing iyon. May ko-kornerin akong tao para i-treat ng Twister Fries. Ang binata ay walang kaalam-alam na ang kanya palang ka-textmate ay nag-aabang na sa ground floor ng kanyang office building. Kaya pala panay ang sabi nito na magtext ang binata kapag ito ay pauwi na. 

Nang magkita, kaagad naming tinungo ang McDonalds Taft para maglate-dinner. Yun kasi ang malapit sa mga bahay namin. Habang nag-iintay ng order ay nagkasabay kaming magbanyo. Nagkatinginan, nagkangitian at yun na! Isang kiss lang pala ang magpapatunay na may spark pala. Sabi ko that night, I might be seeing the last days of my singlehood.

Tama ako.  

Isang linggo matapos ang "first date" namin ni JC ay naging kami na.

UP Oblation, Diliman Campus

I would like to think that I was just making a good impression. Na ang piniling kabiyak ni Baabaa ay nakatungtong ng State University kahit paano. But it was not the case. Sadyang gusto lang namin lumabas kasama si Maginoong Bulakenyo at Diliman ang napili namin puntahan.

Matapos papakin ang isaw ni Mang Larry ay naglibot kami sa paligid ng campus; Naupo sa Sunken Garden at naglakad sa calle Juan Luna kung saan nakatira ang ilan sa mga pantas ng unibersidad.

Nang uwian ay bumukod kami sa aming kasama... at nakalimot na pareho lang pala kami ng daan. Hindi man sadya (promise!) pero ang aking hinihinala ay gusto ko lang ma-solo sa bus si partner.

The Dungeon, Eclipse Gym Mabini

Like all healthy relationships ay nagcla-clash rin kami ni Baabaa. RedtheMod said it best: it is because, "complementing" daw kasi ang personality namin. Hindi ko na kailangan mag-elaborate

Our first fight took place because of a tweet that became a subject of dubious interpretations. Malay ko bang lyrics ng kanta yun at hindi patama tungkol sa mga regret niya sa nakaraan. Wounding words were hurled and for two hours ay dedma kami sa isa't isa.  

Eventually, the partner reached out, apologized and I did the same. But to seal the peace treaty, I went all the way from Eclipse Shaw to Eclipse Mabini para manundo ng nagbo-body building rin. Doon ko na realize na we can't stand each other na magkatampuhan ng matagal.

And from that moment ay nag-full circle ang pagiging mag-acquaintance namin. He caught my attention in a body-building thread and in return, we worked out together when time allowed.  

Greenbelt 3 Cinema

I seldom watch movies in theaters. Unless I get invited. The partner loves the big screen even if it means going solo. At dahil mahal ko siya, nagsimula ulit akong manood ng films no matter what the genres are. This is how we date.

The first film we saw was Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. Hindi ko alam kung sa Greenbelt 3 namin pinanood yun or somewhere else. But Greenbelt is the nearest cinema to my partner's workplace. For that, the mall became our hang-out place.

From Burlesque to Scream 4, to Black Swan and Source Code, lahat yun kasama ko siyang pinanood. Pati yung Rosario at saka In the Name of Love na dati-rati ay hindi ko napapansin ay pinatulan ko na rin. The tidal shift was so strong that when JC left for Canada, I never stepped foot inside the cinemas again. 

Saka na lang, sa kanyang muling pagbabalik.

- itutuloy -

Welcome Wagon

"this is another attempt of me blogging. i have quite a number of blogs in the past starting with Multiply which we all know has lost its following and people don't open their accounts anymore. i had one blogger account way back in college for my philo class though --- that was full of pambobola just to get a 4.0. Hahaha! i have tumblr and i blog every once in a while but i couldn't blog everything since i couldn't talk about gay stuff there. LOL. 

so you see, i don't write very well. so whoever is following this, thank you for being nice. haha! 

i'm JC, by the way. and this is my alternate life." 

One year later: 

Notthewimpykid: 

Ngayon pala anniv ng blog ko. Hehehehe. 

His message appeared on my Gtalk chatbox. 

Mugen: 

Talaga? Teka. 

*pause* hinanap kunwari ang blog ni kabiyak. Inabot rin ng ilang seconds bago ako naka-reply sa kanya. 

Wow. 

Honga. 

Buti natandaan mo. 

Notthewimpykid: Last week ko pa yan tiningnan. Hehe 

The fits of remembrance had me recalling my life the day Baabaa first appeared on blogger. A look into my own timeline reveals that I was about to start my Raketship with someone who would drop me at the middle of a remote training session. Bentusi's job ad would appear on Pinoyexchange a few days later. 

I was also confessing my past sins while lending my voice to the collective indignation at policemen who raided the Queeriosity Palace in Pasay. While I don't completely agree with the people who go to BH, I was crying foul at the human rights abuses and the trauma they got from authorities.

Funny, one year ago and I was already ranting about my fucked-up sleeping pattern too. The nocturnal habit is still there, in fact just a few days ago, the partner was nagging me to sleep earlier. Sinasabayan ko daw kasi yung Atlantic Time Zone niya. Haha.  

This was my life the day I spotted the Notthewimpykid setting up his own online space. Parang magkapit-bahay lang. Kulang na lang magkaroon kami ng impromptu house-warming party sa blog niya. I know he should be the one writing a post about his blog anniversary, but I can't help but recall what his arrival means to me.

Talk about turning 180 degrees from the life you once had.

Now, the Raketship is flourishing, despite my occasional Writer's Block and procrastination. While news about bathhouses had finally disappeared from my radar, perhaps, nobody goes there anymore. 

If there's a reason why the partner's blog anniversary has a special place to me, its because of its prophetic revelation of our future. 

Who would have thought.

Unknowingly, I was the first who welcomed him into my world.

Eleven

Hindi na bale ang pansariling pakiramdam ng pangungulila.

J-Bear and Mugenbear

Ang mahalaga, sa tuwing nakikita ko silang kapiling mo, tiwala akong hinding hindi ka nag-iisa.

Happy Monthsary Baabaa.  Mahal na mahal kita.