Confessions Of Arclight (Last Part)

July 17, 2008

We have this saying that states "pumantay ka sa katapat mo." If you are eyeing a hot guy that you feel is superior to your looks, appeal and body size, better back off rather than suffer a tragic rejection from him. The rule applies not only to cruising places but to any interpersonal relationships that may develop into intimacy. There are exceptions to the rule, of course. But from what I have seen through Arclight's eyes these past two years, there seems to be a grain of truth to such saying.

I used the account not to boost my value, for I was fully aware that the person in the profile was not me. Arclight had his share of "hi's," "can we be friends'?" "fuck mo ako's" and all those boner-inspiring messages that were sent by those guys that I can honestly say I'd ogle for hours using my real account.

Since I had put myself in a situation where I'd always be the shadow of my fake account, it became my determination to rise up and be the person who can stand up without hiding behind Arclight's glare. Yes, the guy whose pictures I've stolen was good-looking, (I later found out that someone even made a thread for him) and the guys who used to send him hook-up messages were buffed and good-looking too.

Being the guy behind the fake profile, the pictures I've seen inspired me to improve myself.

In all the years I had these two accounts in G4M, I used Arclight's profile for boywatching. You wouldn't believe some of the guys who voluntarily sent their private pictures to me. The notes (in different cuts and sizes) were mouth watering - so were the faces that would make you say, "they are indeed God's gift to gaykind!"

If only I had the same spunk and confidence like the guys who sent me their private pictures, I wouldn't be writing this entry tonight.

I admit that such blessing (to have such gorgeous boys running after you) must be shared to others. So I let my friends access the account so long as they would never respond or befriend the guys who send Arclight "friendly" private messages. It was a deceptive move, but knowing how pretentious G4M is, it was our way of getting back. If they would ignore us - average folks when we send them messages, then we would give them the guy they'd go to great lengths just to catch his attention.

Tricking others was fun at the beginning, especially when you use Arclight to avenge your bruised ego after some jerk ditched you the moment he receives the face-pic you traded using your real account. The sweetest vengeance happens when you find out that you're far good-looking than the person who run away from your trade agreement.

However, the cycle of rejection, getting back at a jerk, ignoring someone who bores you to death, ignoring the guys who would invite you to go to their places wore me in the end. As a result, I deleted my real account early this year vowing never to return. Unfortunately, the temptations of the flesh was too hard to suppress and to address it without crossing the lines that was already sealed meant that I have to log on to the website using Arclight's account and look for "phone partners" instead. It worked for a time until I realized that I was already deceiving the people who were drawn to me because of a fake profile.

Early last week, the guilt of deceiving so many people and admitting my deed to some of them made me feel so bad that I finally decided to leave G4M for good. But before my final bow, I uploaded my own pictures - the sexiest ones that my sanity could afford, to let the ones I deceived know that I can be myself without slipping into another person's shoes. I roamed the website for one week and this time, I was able to achieve what Arclight had been enjoying in all the years he was my cover.

"hi! group orgy this sat and sun at ortigas extn. message your number if interested. if not no need to reply. Thank you."

"can u be my friend?"

"wow marunongka pla magpaligaya ng bottom? sana isa ako dun heheheh :P"

"tol sex tau? number mo?"

"who are the other Filipino writers you read? just great to see someone with hot pix here in g4m who actually reads :) of course i open the site to cruise but sometimes you find people who are interesting in other ways."

The gorgeous ones had ceased sending me private messages this time. After all, who I am to be noticed now that I'm not as ripped and buffed as the old photos in my profile. Strangely, the ones who sent me messages were kids. It only proves that I have the potentials to be a cradle snatcher long before I actually thought of it.

We always have this impression that the more good-looking or macho you are, the easier for you to find a mate. If you are talking about hook-ups or one night stands then you are right. But one thing I learned in this experiment is that the more good-looking and hunky you are, the lesser chances you will find deep and meaningful relationships in your love life. Your looks and the attention you receive had already bloated your ego that you think everyone that comes into your life is dispensable.

You tend to look and look and look, without getting any contentment in the relationship you already found.

In seven days that I have been present in G4M, most of the new guys I befriended turns out to be opportunists. They would seek your friendship only to reveal their sleazier or romantic intentions when you're beginning to trust them. Some will ignore your friendly message the moment they feel your only business with them is friendship.

Such is the life I found in G4M.

Despite my gloomy impressions, there are still avenues for sensible friendship in the website to develop. I was an avid poster in the Eclipse Thread to promote my gym and to encourage the guys in the thread to reach their goals, no matter how challenging their work-out programs are. I was also an avid follower of the Blog Thread to watch for anyone who would post their web links in the thread.

My big mistake however is that I dwelt too much on the sleaziness of the Sex and Fetish forums where the sole business of everyone was to seek hook-ups day and night. Funny how some members tried to look for true love when their personal ads said:

"gusto ko sanang magmamahal sa akin ay yung top na cute at malaki ang kargada."

you already have an idea how shallow their intentions were.

What made me sick of the place was the endless accusations and counter-accusations of people who have HIVs or STIs and still scouts the website for hook-ups. Posters in those threads were too cruel in their revelations that I avoided reading them altogether. It's like half of the community was doing a witch hunt, when the rest still glorifies the joys of bareback fucking.

The hypocrisy and discrimination was too much for me.

Guys4Men will always be Guys4Men indeed.

And since I already found happiness in being emancipated from the website before, I kept my word to delete Arclight after seven days of presence there. To think that my whoring days fell at a time when my hormones overwhelmed my renewed vow of abstinence, to come out alive despite the flood of tempting hook up invitations was already a miracle.

I will resume to my old ways of living beginning tonight. At least now that I'm free from my ties to the internet meat market,

I can draw my life the way I intended the fictional Arclight to live.

---

single
has a five year old son
has big businesses in mandaluyong
lives in rockwell center
drives a customized lancer evo

what can i say, life has been good to me
and i hope to share it with you.