Twilight Of The SSR

Teach us to embrace the love we left behind
so we could banish the ghost, at last
and bask in the light of peace.



I found him sitting in the front row of a videoke corner at Robinson's Place Ermita. He was waiting for his turn to sing his favorite tunes, like he always does as a pastime.

Tucked at the far end of the mall next to a famous gym, the amusement center is like a hidden sanctuary for the bored and the lonely. Often seen by kids and blue-collar workers as their temple, it reminds me of how different I am from my lover. Being an anti-mall person, I will always have to bear the fact that we can't really enjoy going out together.

But this is our special day. Therefore, I had to endure the mall just to be with him even if it was a half-hearted effort.

He sang three songs, the ones in his mental songbook since time immemorial. The giggling girls at the back (who looked like low-class hookers) screamed as my buddy reaches the end of his performance. In fairness to my beau, he has the voice. If only I am as good as him, I wouldn't mind having a duet. Unfortunately I'm not. The last time I was forced to sing was during the PEx Grand Eyeball held recently. I had to down six mugs of San Mig Light before I could croon to the timeless Crazy For You.

We immediately left after his turn. As we searched for a place to dine at, he noticed a small woman talking to someone on the phone. Inspired by her accent, my buddy spoke to me in English. He insisted that we should do it to improve his confidence for he was planning to apply in a Call Center.



Like all other anniversaries before, this year was not spared from the annual jinx.

Several days ago, Havok made a surprising comeback. It was followed the same day by a colleague's promotion from being a One-Night Stand partner to being a Fuck Buddy. Last night, the boyfriend disappointed me by forgetting that today is our anniversary. He even insisted that our founding date falls on May instead of April.

Of course, how can I forget. He was the first friendly eyeball after breaking up with the ex.



Finally, we decided to eat at the food court instead of dining in at a restaurant. He said he preferred rice for dinner and the only decent place I know was the Kamay Kainan. For reasons only known to my tummy, I had this craving for Kare-Kare and Lechon Kawali. Only that food kiosk serves the dish I have been craving all day.

However, the Fried Squid Rings from a nearby kiosk caught my buddy's attention. The kiosk was well lighted and very tidy, and their dishes were served in huge trays which appealed to our hungry eyes. When I've learned that their combo meals were relatively affordable, we changed our plans and chose to eat at Panda's instead.

Over our dinner that includes Sweet and Sour Pork, Pancit Guisado, Fried Squid Rings and Chopsuey, we talked about his grades. One thing I'd always be proud of my partner is his string of academic recognitions. Like me, he is a working student and compared to the laid-back environment I enjoy in the masters program, he is struggling to keep his scholarship in a prestigious college along Taft Avenue.

It is the reason why he frequently stays in my place. Not to be with me but to use my computer for his research and school projects.

After our sumptuous meal, we skipped his habitual window shopping by leaving the mall and proceeding to Malate immediately. He wanted to have a brief stroll after months of absence. As always, I've been his patient listener as he spoke about his plans and frustrations in life. He told me that he wanted to have his own computer. I told him that I could save his money for him. He also wanted to have more time for himself, to which I suggested that he should live in Taft instead. For me, no matter how many issues he brings up, it doesn't matter. So long as I could manage my own personal issues - whether he finds about it or not, I could still lend an ear and provide a way to make his life easier.



I would like for us to spend the night in my place, but apparently he had other plans. I didn't buy his excuses, but instead of making an issue out of it, I simply didn't complain.

Moping around was easy. But I see no point in doing it. I wanted to prolong our time together though and the only way to do it was by volunteering to accompany him to Monumento, where he will ride a jeep going to his rented apartment. The long, uneventful travel would bide me more time to bond, even if we're not uttering a single word.

As the jeepney speeds along Rizal Avenue, I noticed a significant change when it comes to his openness. A few years ago, he would insist on finding a girlfriend and marrying her in hopes of ending his confusion. This insensitive claim left me frustrated knowing that I have no future. He also used to get mad if I showed little hints of intimacy by brushing my arms against his when it hung on the estribo.

Tonight, it was he who brushed my arms and poked my finger just to show his affection. Such display of intimacy showed the openness of our relationship and its endurance no matter how complicated it had become as time passed.

Since it was getting late when we arrived at our destination, I asked him to ride the first FX we could find. It may have been a very anti-climatic parting but at the back of my head, I felt a strange lingering sadness as his vehicle faded away from my view. It felt like struggling to hold on to a past that is fast disappearing. Now that my views have drastically changed, I don't know what to believe or look forward to in a relationship that I'm trying to work out for myself.

Since I know it suited him well.

A friend asked me if I still love my partner. I told him that I don't know how to define love anymore. I just do whatever I think he needs, even if it means ignoring my own. I guess it is another sign that I'm already over with the cheesy stage and I see romance in a pragmatic and cynical point of view.

But just this once, do you want to know what I honestly feel?

I'd give everything just to see him sleep in my bed, so I could hug him, kiss him and make love to him before I face another uncertain day when the sun comes tomorrow. I want to feel secure in his arms while his warm naked body presses against mine.

I know, it's just wishful thinking.

A truth revealing itself to a person whose heart was left beating after a special event brought new life into it.

Hoping it would never end.




Ikaapat
Fullmetal Dreams
April XXX