Freewriting

This is an exercise. I need to do this so that I may regain my soul back. Pardon me if my thoughts are incoherent or my entry will show some grammar lapses for I intend not to edit anything from this post. I would just want to let go, and be as free as time would allow me. You see, I'm being assaulted by heavy emotions lately. Perhaps too much denial and avoidance had taken it's toll on me. I've been preoccupying myself with drinking and running around, that there are times I don't know anymore where I'm heading. I'm being swallowed by my own fear, which I try to keep hidden as much as I can. Am I making sense? I hope I am. I just want to write, but my creative bucket is almost empty. So what do I want to write? My fears? Nah. I just want to play around with words, because they seem to run away from me. There are so many things in my mind right now. I want to catch them all and put them in words but they seem so slippery. I think I'm messed up. My order is breaking apart. Am I dark and brooding? I don't know. I just feel heavy. Everything seems swirling that I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm sinking and I don't know who can pull me up. Last night I was so drunk that I was half-conscious when I arrived home. As a result, I'd declare a tactical retreat from alcohol until next month. I was throwing up the whole time, I thought my guts would come out of my mouth. I don't know what to write. I know that I'm incoherent. I feel weak, battered and to the point of surrender. Do I harbor deadly thoughts? Sometimes I do. Perhaps, I've sunk so low that I can already see death as a good escape. Don't get me wrong. I'm not suicidal. It's just that I don't care anymore when I'd be called. Promise, I won't read this entry like I always do when I post in my blog. Sorry for my heaviness. It's just that I just want to unburden myself. Hopefully, when the shift is over I'd regain my control back. It's just that when he says "I love you," I don't feel it anymore. I don't even reply to his sweet nothings for the sake of replying to it. What else do I want to write. Nothing. This is free writing so I'd say everything that comes to mind. It's a good exercise actually, incoherence, unorder. This is great. Maybe I have to stop now. I don't know when I could write again. This entry is written so you would know I'm okay. I'm struggling. Things are becoming quite challenging. But I've seen worse. I have to stop now. No need to read this entry for I won't read this too. I just want to feel and to know I can still write.

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Freewriting technique involves continuous writing, usually for a predetermined period of time (often 5, 10, or 15 minutes). Writing is done without regard to spelling, grammar, etc., and no corrections are made. If the writer reaches a point where they cannot think of anything to write, then they write that they cannot think of anything, until they find another line of thought. The writer allows himself or herself to stray off topic, and to just let their thoughts lead them wherever they may.

on second thought, I'd read this entry so I would know what happens when my mood hits rock bottom.