The sky was so dark outside, like alien spaceships were about to land*. Yet, instead of heading home to take cover, I made a direct flight from Philcoa to Pasay to help an old friend who's about to move out from his apartment. This old friend, is someone who's been with me since my straight days. We've been buddies and even though we haven't talked for more than a year, one text message from him was enough for me to respond to his call.
I became his kargador, and it doesn't matter if our reunion ended that way. After all, it adds up to my buff-daddy effort which I am seriously undertaking as of this moment.
This old friend of mine was my everything back in our younger days. I was his sidekick. I looked after his back that there were times I reminded him personally of our assignments in class whenever he wasn't around. My home used to be his staging ground when he's in the center of the city and he did sleepovers without the awkwardness that I would surely feel if it would happen today.
We were so close that there were times he did remind me that we're not in a relationship.
But back then, it doesn't matter. I wasn't feeling anything except that I am his ever-loyal friend.
---
I arrived past seven at his place. He was almost finished packing up his belongings and in between eating our dinner, we updated each other's lives. He is currently dating a girl and since he knows about my life way before our other straight friends found out about me, he didn't mind asking about my homosexuality. I find our subject about me quite awkward knowing that he is a straight guy
and as far as I know, when every straight man can be converted, it is not proper for a non-straight to tell openly about his life.
When the time to move began, I showed him what power really meant. I carried his boxes of books and papers which he needed for school; His hiking bag was on my back and his piles of dirty clothes, crumpled inside a trash bag was hanging on my arms. He kept on saying, "sure ka pare, mabigat yan?" to which I proudly responded, "thank God for Eclipse" because in my weaker state, I would have passed out with such heavy baggage.
So I was there for him, like I used to
Just when things get difficult and he needed a helping hand to sort things out.
---
The whole move-out would have been a breeze, had it not for the tension rising inside me. My friend is a good-looking guy. I'm sorry but I can't tell details right now, but back in our younger days, he was the ultimate crush of everyone. Lucky for me, I was his confidant so I knew many things about him that nobody among his admirers knew.
But like I said, things have changed and the friction towards him is something that disturbed me a lot.
Like all guys I know, he loves walking around naked. Even if age has made his tummy a little bigger now, he is still hot enough to get another person's attention. Being someone, whose thoughts about straight men have been twisted by sexual preference, his naked glory distracted me. While lying on the couch with his legs dangling in precarious positions and his undies almost exposed, I cannot help but wonder if he's conveying a message that my gay side would have easily understood. Had our conversation shifted from thoughts about me being homosexual into something more sexual - like his hetero-sexcapades, I would almost certainly read his gestures as provocations.
How sad that this is the legacy left by my own carnal history. After years of experience being with another guy - in a quiet room where anything could happen, I now have this mental fixation that when being left with a half-naked guy in a quiet room - is always a sign of doom.
What's embarrassing about our situation is that most likely, my friend was not aware that his gestures were being read differently. It was an act of hostility even to a non-straight friend he have grown to trust with the passing of time.
Shame on me.
Looking back at that moment where both of us were half-naked, smoking a stick of cigarette while talking about anything under the sun, I could not help but wonder why I felt strange about him. It never happened when Master Z, Roy and I were half naked, drunk and guzzling a bottle of beer while watching a gay porn in our friend's apartment early last year.
Was it because for the first time, now that I'm aware of myself as someone different, did I finally realize that for all the years we have been buddies,
I was always attracted to him?
Pre, nakalimutan mo magchange (ng damit). hehehe. its okei pre. At least may extra gamit ka na dito... Pare, ingat ka at maraming salamat talaga.. kitakits... Bisitahin mo ako ha.
God forbid, no.
---
*Misterhubs' twitter entry.
I became his kargador, and it doesn't matter if our reunion ended that way. After all, it adds up to my buff-daddy effort which I am seriously undertaking as of this moment.
This old friend of mine was my everything back in our younger days. I was his sidekick. I looked after his back that there were times I reminded him personally of our assignments in class whenever he wasn't around. My home used to be his staging ground when he's in the center of the city and he did sleepovers without the awkwardness that I would surely feel if it would happen today.
We were so close that there were times he did remind me that we're not in a relationship.
But back then, it doesn't matter. I wasn't feeling anything except that I am his ever-loyal friend.
---
I arrived past seven at his place. He was almost finished packing up his belongings and in between eating our dinner, we updated each other's lives. He is currently dating a girl and since he knows about my life way before our other straight friends found out about me, he didn't mind asking about my homosexuality. I find our subject about me quite awkward knowing that he is a straight guy
and as far as I know, when every straight man can be converted, it is not proper for a non-straight to tell openly about his life.
When the time to move began, I showed him what power really meant. I carried his boxes of books and papers which he needed for school; His hiking bag was on my back and his piles of dirty clothes, crumpled inside a trash bag was hanging on my arms. He kept on saying, "sure ka pare, mabigat yan?" to which I proudly responded, "thank God for Eclipse" because in my weaker state, I would have passed out with such heavy baggage.
So I was there for him, like I used to
Just when things get difficult and he needed a helping hand to sort things out.
---
The whole move-out would have been a breeze, had it not for the tension rising inside me. My friend is a good-looking guy. I'm sorry but I can't tell details right now, but back in our younger days, he was the ultimate crush of everyone. Lucky for me, I was his confidant so I knew many things about him that nobody among his admirers knew.
But like I said, things have changed and the friction towards him is something that disturbed me a lot.
Like all guys I know, he loves walking around naked. Even if age has made his tummy a little bigger now, he is still hot enough to get another person's attention. Being someone, whose thoughts about straight men have been twisted by sexual preference, his naked glory distracted me. While lying on the couch with his legs dangling in precarious positions and his undies almost exposed, I cannot help but wonder if he's conveying a message that my gay side would have easily understood. Had our conversation shifted from thoughts about me being homosexual into something more sexual - like his hetero-sexcapades, I would almost certainly read his gestures as provocations.
How sad that this is the legacy left by my own carnal history. After years of experience being with another guy - in a quiet room where anything could happen, I now have this mental fixation that when being left with a half-naked guy in a quiet room - is always a sign of doom.
What's embarrassing about our situation is that most likely, my friend was not aware that his gestures were being read differently. It was an act of hostility even to a non-straight friend he have grown to trust with the passing of time.
Shame on me.
Looking back at that moment where both of us were half-naked, smoking a stick of cigarette while talking about anything under the sun, I could not help but wonder why I felt strange about him. It never happened when Master Z, Roy and I were half naked, drunk and guzzling a bottle of beer while watching a gay porn in our friend's apartment early last year.
Was it because for the first time, now that I'm aware of myself as someone different, did I finally realize that for all the years we have been buddies,
I was always attracted to him?
Pre, nakalimutan mo magchange (ng damit). hehehe. its okei pre. At least may extra gamit ka na dito... Pare, ingat ka at maraming salamat talaga.. kitakits... Bisitahin mo ako ha.
God forbid, no.
---
*Misterhubs' twitter entry.
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