Our Christian belief tells us that there is life after death. Jesus Christ, as he was nearing his death in the crucifix assures one of the dying thieves who believe him that he will next open his eyes in Paradise. Other enlightened men would describe the afterlife as a garden of perpetual delights. It is a place where hatred and pain do not exist and time wounds itself to a complete stop. It is a place strolled by saints and angels and where joy and happiness never ends. No wonder, every living soul on earth is enticed to seek heaven's promise of eternal life.
Though I follow the way of the cross, I do not believe in the thought of heaven or hell. For me, they are merely abstract ideas put in place by men of religion to keep the people of all ages and creed hoping and dreaming of a better life beyond. Mom, in her infinite love would like us to stay together even in the afterlife. I would love to embrace her ideas, but at the back of my head, I would always wonder what good there is in a life without pain and struggle. What value there is in a soul that would stagnate in the passing of eternity.
For these reasons, I tend to embrace the eastern thought of afterlife. I would like to believe that a body is a mere vessel where the soul resides. In its countless cycle of rebirth across time, it learns, it matures and then at the end of its journey it blends with the source in what the sages call Nirvana. The thought of having a chance to atone for my mistakes comfort me. If only such path truly exist, then I would never fear death at all.
In all my life's searching, I find evidences that I might be an old soul on its way to a higher journey. That old voice speaks through Pulsar when I direct myself towards unearthly goals. However, I am aware that concepts are mere concepts. Reincarnation, heaven and soul might just be human ideas. Until I reach the end of my time, I will never know the truth about existence. It is these thoughts that keep me searching for my life's meaning.
However, there are signs that point towards the other direction. The afterlife might be an endless garden after all. Like I said in my other mustard seed entries, life is full of mysteries and no matter how we try to unravel them, new mysteries come up and will keep us wondering the metaphysical aspects of existence.
Take for example what happened last week. Dad appeared once again in my sleep. I have always known that my dearly departed loved ones pay me a visit in my dreams. It happened so many times before that I do not find their presence spooky anymore. However, it still bothers me when they visit - especially my father, who I believe should be on his journey by now.
The details of the dream are now blurry. All I remember is that we were cordial when we saw each other. We were talking about this certain newspaper that he manages. You see, he was a writer and a newspaper publisher all his life. After reading Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet in Heaven, I envisioned my father's idea of heaven being a huge newsroom where he is the chief editor. If there is a grain of truth in Albom's thoughts, then perhaps, dad must be a publisher in the afterlife.
Anyway he said that he doesn't follow the news - like he used to when he was still alive. While telling his new preoccupations, I was turning the pages of the tabloid, that apparently he owns. What is unusual about this tabloid is that the masthead (the box where the list of staff members and editors of the newspaper are put) includes so many people. I think I even told dad that "andami mo namang tao, ngayon lang napuno ito ah!" before I was stirred from my sleep.
Like all dreams about him, I would have ignored this appearance for one reason: I do not know of any occasion where he would wish to be remembered. The last time I had a striking dream about him happened a week before his second death anniversary. It was where we finally settled our differences and found peace in the afterlife. Despite his regular visits to me, he never makes his presence felt to my mom or my sister in their sleep. Mom would say that maybe dad is still guilty of the things he did to her when he was still alive. I do not know. What I am sure of is that he passed away with dignity and love from the family he almost turned his back from.
It's been four years since he departed life and I still wonder why he remains in the realm of the living. Is there a possibility that his continued presence only proves that souls do not travel from one body to the next like what the eastern thought believes? Is it possible that his presence in our lives still has purpose since he left us with so many unfinished business that we need to fix ourselves?
Sometimes it is difficult to dive into metaphysical ramblings for I am left with so many questions that I cannot answer myself.
However, what separates this dream about my dad from the others I had before is that I was not the only one who saw his apparition that morning. A revelation by a house help while eating my lunch left a cold chill so intense, it made the strands of my hair point upwards for quite sometime:
---
Though I follow the way of the cross, I do not believe in the thought of heaven or hell. For me, they are merely abstract ideas put in place by men of religion to keep the people of all ages and creed hoping and dreaming of a better life beyond. Mom, in her infinite love would like us to stay together even in the afterlife. I would love to embrace her ideas, but at the back of my head, I would always wonder what good there is in a life without pain and struggle. What value there is in a soul that would stagnate in the passing of eternity.
For these reasons, I tend to embrace the eastern thought of afterlife. I would like to believe that a body is a mere vessel where the soul resides. In its countless cycle of rebirth across time, it learns, it matures and then at the end of its journey it blends with the source in what the sages call Nirvana. The thought of having a chance to atone for my mistakes comfort me. If only such path truly exist, then I would never fear death at all.
In all my life's searching, I find evidences that I might be an old soul on its way to a higher journey. That old voice speaks through Pulsar when I direct myself towards unearthly goals. However, I am aware that concepts are mere concepts. Reincarnation, heaven and soul might just be human ideas. Until I reach the end of my time, I will never know the truth about existence. It is these thoughts that keep me searching for my life's meaning.
However, there are signs that point towards the other direction. The afterlife might be an endless garden after all. Like I said in my other mustard seed entries, life is full of mysteries and no matter how we try to unravel them, new mysteries come up and will keep us wondering the metaphysical aspects of existence.
Take for example what happened last week. Dad appeared once again in my sleep. I have always known that my dearly departed loved ones pay me a visit in my dreams. It happened so many times before that I do not find their presence spooky anymore. However, it still bothers me when they visit - especially my father, who I believe should be on his journey by now.
The details of the dream are now blurry. All I remember is that we were cordial when we saw each other. We were talking about this certain newspaper that he manages. You see, he was a writer and a newspaper publisher all his life. After reading Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet in Heaven, I envisioned my father's idea of heaven being a huge newsroom where he is the chief editor. If there is a grain of truth in Albom's thoughts, then perhaps, dad must be a publisher in the afterlife.
Anyway he said that he doesn't follow the news - like he used to when he was still alive. While telling his new preoccupations, I was turning the pages of the tabloid, that apparently he owns. What is unusual about this tabloid is that the masthead (the box where the list of staff members and editors of the newspaper are put) includes so many people. I think I even told dad that "andami mo namang tao, ngayon lang napuno ito ah!" before I was stirred from my sleep.
Like all dreams about him, I would have ignored this appearance for one reason: I do not know of any occasion where he would wish to be remembered. The last time I had a striking dream about him happened a week before his second death anniversary. It was where we finally settled our differences and found peace in the afterlife. Despite his regular visits to me, he never makes his presence felt to my mom or my sister in their sleep. Mom would say that maybe dad is still guilty of the things he did to her when he was still alive. I do not know. What I am sure of is that he passed away with dignity and love from the family he almost turned his back from.
It's been four years since he departed life and I still wonder why he remains in the realm of the living. Is there a possibility that his continued presence only proves that souls do not travel from one body to the next like what the eastern thought believes? Is it possible that his presence in our lives still has purpose since he left us with so many unfinished business that we need to fix ourselves?
Sometimes it is difficult to dive into metaphysical ramblings for I am left with so many questions that I cannot answer myself.
However, what separates this dream about my dad from the others I had before is that I was not the only one who saw his apparition that morning. A revelation by a house help while eating my lunch left a cold chill so intense, it made the strands of my hair point upwards for quite sometime:
---
Alam mo, napanaginipan ko yung papa mo kanina. Dumating daw siya tapos nagpapahanda ng ulam sa akin. Natandaan ko yung mukha niya kasi sa mga pictures sa sala. Hayun, niluto ko siya ng Tuyo at Sinangag. Sabi niya sa akin dun na lang daw siya kakain sa kwarto mo.
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