A citadel is a fortress for protecting a town or a city. They serve as the main defense of a garrison or a center of power from the inhabitants of the town where it is found In ancient Greece, the citadel placed on a commanding eminence, was important in the life of the people. It houses the main temple and the royal palace, and serves as a stronghold in times of enemy assault. In the Middle Ages, the citadel was the last defense of a besieged army. Often held after the town has been captured, it contains military and food supplies to last until reinforcements arrive.
A friend has this impression that I prefer placing walls instead of opening my gates to strangers. He was right, the moment I feel threatened - imaginary or not - I run towards my citadel anticipating an assault. I raise the alarm in panic and aim the cannons toward the approaching wanderer. No wonder, I have a nasty reputation for being distant during first meet-ups. The opposite happens when I lower my guard to let a comrade enter. It's either the citadel surrenders without firing a volley of cannonball or it hurls the stranger towards outer space by way of the catapult.
All in the defense of the heart.
Tannis was a casualty and on the third day after getting introduced, I knew he had no place in my heart. Tuesday evening, we were able to talk again in the Instant Messenger. This time, he was the one interested to know me better after he learned the strengths written on my Friendster profile. His assertiveness to get close triggered the alarm and as a defense, I started closing the gates to drive him away.
Despite the creeping coldness, I was still friendly and accommodating towards him. He was never aware but behind the warm facade, I was already seeking second opinion from trusted friends. Tannis was asking for a date and knowing where it might lead to, I was extremely careful not to cross the line this time.
"Let's have a date on Friday, looking forward to see you again men," was his parting reply.
One huge error that I committed was to give him a sense of control over my movements. I sent text messages informing him of my arrival at home. He never replied of course, for he sleeps early in the evening. Only at noon did he reply to my messages for he was concerned that sending a text early in the morning would disrupt my sleep.
It was sweet, but such gestures were received with a strong sense of weariness. The ex used to do the same trick, only to find out later that such gestures were laced with huge favors.
Nevertheless, the routine went on despite the growing hesitations in me. I tried to slow his advance, but my flirtatious barrage only made him more aggressive. Things would have spiraled into something close to a commitment had it not for three interventions that stopped me in my tracks:
First was the mention of a conflict with his family.
Second was the unexpected discovery of the joys of hanging out with a friend.
And third was the Despedida for Macoy, where I forgot to inform him of my arrival home.
The first two interventions will have a separate entry. The third, which triggered the fall-out was something that troubled me. You see, I wasn't able to text Tannis when I arrived home after the Despedida. The shortcoming was admitted through a morning greeting the following day. Despite the apologies, he never made his presence felt the whole day. I thought he was busy. However, at the back of my head, I had this inkling that he got mad when I did not text him. His possessiveness was alarming and as a way to get back, I blocked his YM off my list.
The response did not have to be ruthless, but I saw it as a perfect excuse to get out from the entanglement. For someone who was able to hold me by the neck, I knew that his grip might put me back to where I was a month ago. Friday came and it was supposed to be our first date. Tannis texted telling me that his phone had no credits and it was the reason why he wasn't able to reply. I would have bought his excuse, if not for a minor blunder I discovered in his line of thought.
He once texted using a different number when his phone lost credits that Monday. He said that he borrowed the phone from a friend. If the phone was indeed from a friend, then why in good heavens did he use the same number the entire Friday just to reach out and inform me of our date? He even attempted to call me using that number.
My answer is simple: The one he used to communicate with me on a daily basis was his Sun Cellular. No wonder he doesn't memorize the digits when he gave it on our first meeting. It wasn't the number he often used. After patching the pieces together, I also figured out why it took him so long to respond to my text messages when he admitted that he doesn't like waiting for replies.
Tannis was not honest with me from the very start and for that, doubts began to muddle my already confused feelings for him.
Had the date pushed through, it would most likely be his treat. We would watch a movie, dine in a restaurant, drink a couple of beers while sending flirt signals to one another, and probably end up in a motel somewhere. The routine we had established the week before would be reinforced and strengthened. Depending on how romantic the date was and how lasting the impact the sleep-over had, perhaps I would ignore his shortcomings in exchange for the intimacy he was offering. I would follow the same pattern with my two past relationships and end up committing into a new one long before my first month of emancipation arrives.
That would have been our story. Now that I can see things clearly, There is no love in that set-up: only a sense of vindication in getting a rebound from a fucked-up past commitment.
With this in mind, I retreated and cut all my ties with Tannis. I never responded to any of his text messages, including his YM pop-ups that he sent days after our failed date.
The events took shape in just one week. I was overly infatuated during the first two days after our encounter. However, when he expressed his feelings on the third day, the flame of romance had mysteriously disappeared. The first challenge happened on our fourth day and we failed miserably to reach out to one another. Reconciliation was attempted on the fifth, but I was already moving away. I traded the date for a hang-out and with all honesty, the hang-out had more essence - more than the date could ever give.
The Tannis experience can be considered a whirlwind affair gone wrong. It had the trappings of a potential relationship but in the end, I realized that we got each other too easily. In my younger days, I wouldn't mind entering a relationship through these kind of beginnings. After all, never did courting or dating another guy crossed my head:
The surest way into my heart then was through my dick.
But things have to change, and I have to value my freedom more for it took years just to get it.
Today is my first month of singlehood. The adjustments are quite extraordinary and the least thing I would like to do is to get hurt and hurt others because of my confusing habit of attaching myself to people. The Citadel which guards my heart shall be fortified and I will personally man the gates so no trespasser would enter even if my misinformed generals would offer him a heroic welcome.
The callings of lust, which had been my bane for so long will be suppressed. I will consider my hormones as the enemy and no matter how free I am to seek places where flesh can be easily procured, I will save myself just for that one soul who truly deserves me.
It is my hope that November will never see my bouts of rage.
And in its place ushers a time of isolation away from everything that will pose a threat to the harmony I will erect.
---
Saturday
[15:23] tannis: boy! musta!? long time no txt huh!
[15:48] tannis: ok....bye then...nice to know you men!
[15:48] mugen: eiii!!
[15:48] mugen: kakarating ko lang sa station. shensa na, kausap ko TL
[15:48] mugen: musta kaw?
Thursday
[19:13] tannis: kamusta naman?
[19:15] mugen: ayos naman, ikaw kamusta na?
-the end-
A friend has this impression that I prefer placing walls instead of opening my gates to strangers. He was right, the moment I feel threatened - imaginary or not - I run towards my citadel anticipating an assault. I raise the alarm in panic and aim the cannons toward the approaching wanderer. No wonder, I have a nasty reputation for being distant during first meet-ups. The opposite happens when I lower my guard to let a comrade enter. It's either the citadel surrenders without firing a volley of cannonball or it hurls the stranger towards outer space by way of the catapult.All in the defense of the heart.
Tannis was a casualty and on the third day after getting introduced, I knew he had no place in my heart. Tuesday evening, we were able to talk again in the Instant Messenger. This time, he was the one interested to know me better after he learned the strengths written on my Friendster profile. His assertiveness to get close triggered the alarm and as a defense, I started closing the gates to drive him away.
Despite the creeping coldness, I was still friendly and accommodating towards him. He was never aware but behind the warm facade, I was already seeking second opinion from trusted friends. Tannis was asking for a date and knowing where it might lead to, I was extremely careful not to cross the line this time.
"Let's have a date on Friday, looking forward to see you again men," was his parting reply.
One huge error that I committed was to give him a sense of control over my movements. I sent text messages informing him of my arrival at home. He never replied of course, for he sleeps early in the evening. Only at noon did he reply to my messages for he was concerned that sending a text early in the morning would disrupt my sleep.
It was sweet, but such gestures were received with a strong sense of weariness. The ex used to do the same trick, only to find out later that such gestures were laced with huge favors.
Nevertheless, the routine went on despite the growing hesitations in me. I tried to slow his advance, but my flirtatious barrage only made him more aggressive. Things would have spiraled into something close to a commitment had it not for three interventions that stopped me in my tracks:
First was the mention of a conflict with his family.
Second was the unexpected discovery of the joys of hanging out with a friend.
And third was the Despedida for Macoy, where I forgot to inform him of my arrival home.
The first two interventions will have a separate entry. The third, which triggered the fall-out was something that troubled me. You see, I wasn't able to text Tannis when I arrived home after the Despedida. The shortcoming was admitted through a morning greeting the following day. Despite the apologies, he never made his presence felt the whole day. I thought he was busy. However, at the back of my head, I had this inkling that he got mad when I did not text him. His possessiveness was alarming and as a way to get back, I blocked his YM off my list.
The response did not have to be ruthless, but I saw it as a perfect excuse to get out from the entanglement. For someone who was able to hold me by the neck, I knew that his grip might put me back to where I was a month ago. Friday came and it was supposed to be our first date. Tannis texted telling me that his phone had no credits and it was the reason why he wasn't able to reply. I would have bought his excuse, if not for a minor blunder I discovered in his line of thought.
He once texted using a different number when his phone lost credits that Monday. He said that he borrowed the phone from a friend. If the phone was indeed from a friend, then why in good heavens did he use the same number the entire Friday just to reach out and inform me of our date? He even attempted to call me using that number.
My answer is simple: The one he used to communicate with me on a daily basis was his Sun Cellular. No wonder he doesn't memorize the digits when he gave it on our first meeting. It wasn't the number he often used. After patching the pieces together, I also figured out why it took him so long to respond to my text messages when he admitted that he doesn't like waiting for replies.
Tannis was not honest with me from the very start and for that, doubts began to muddle my already confused feelings for him.
Had the date pushed through, it would most likely be his treat. We would watch a movie, dine in a restaurant, drink a couple of beers while sending flirt signals to one another, and probably end up in a motel somewhere. The routine we had established the week before would be reinforced and strengthened. Depending on how romantic the date was and how lasting the impact the sleep-over had, perhaps I would ignore his shortcomings in exchange for the intimacy he was offering. I would follow the same pattern with my two past relationships and end up committing into a new one long before my first month of emancipation arrives.
That would have been our story. Now that I can see things clearly, There is no love in that set-up: only a sense of vindication in getting a rebound from a fucked-up past commitment.
With this in mind, I retreated and cut all my ties with Tannis. I never responded to any of his text messages, including his YM pop-ups that he sent days after our failed date.
The events took shape in just one week. I was overly infatuated during the first two days after our encounter. However, when he expressed his feelings on the third day, the flame of romance had mysteriously disappeared. The first challenge happened on our fourth day and we failed miserably to reach out to one another. Reconciliation was attempted on the fifth, but I was already moving away. I traded the date for a hang-out and with all honesty, the hang-out had more essence - more than the date could ever give.
The Tannis experience can be considered a whirlwind affair gone wrong. It had the trappings of a potential relationship but in the end, I realized that we got each other too easily. In my younger days, I wouldn't mind entering a relationship through these kind of beginnings. After all, never did courting or dating another guy crossed my head:
The surest way into my heart then was through my dick.
But things have to change, and I have to value my freedom more for it took years just to get it.
Today is my first month of singlehood. The adjustments are quite extraordinary and the least thing I would like to do is to get hurt and hurt others because of my confusing habit of attaching myself to people. The Citadel which guards my heart shall be fortified and I will personally man the gates so no trespasser would enter even if my misinformed generals would offer him a heroic welcome.
The callings of lust, which had been my bane for so long will be suppressed. I will consider my hormones as the enemy and no matter how free I am to seek places where flesh can be easily procured, I will save myself just for that one soul who truly deserves me.
It is my hope that November will never see my bouts of rage.
And in its place ushers a time of isolation away from everything that will pose a threat to the harmony I will erect.
---
Saturday
[15:23] tannis: boy! musta!? long time no txt huh!
[15:48] tannis: ok....bye then...nice to know you men!
[15:48] mugen: eiii!!
[15:48] mugen: kakarating ko lang sa station. shensa na, kausap ko TL
[15:48] mugen: musta kaw?
Thursday
[19:13] tannis: kamusta naman?
[19:15] mugen: ayos naman, ikaw kamusta na?
-the end-
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