Sunday, September 19, 2010

My Head Is A Cotton Candy

I am suffering from a writer's block. I have tons of ideas to share but when I put expressions into words, I balk even before completing my first sentence. It usually happens at the middle of the month. There is no point in denying that I am subdued by my creative limitations. I envy those who write spontaneously like some bloggers I know. After all these years of refining my craft, I ended up restrained by my own obsession with aesthetics.

Anyway, let me do an experiment by writing as fluid as I could, while my head regurgitates my thoughts. Shall we?

Woke up at 3 pm after going home at 5 in the morning. Guess where I came from? Kuya Pawpaw said I slept with someone. I texted, "yeah! joined an orgy. wahaha!" just to annoy the kid. Truth is, I was with friends last night watching some lean, brown hunks swerve their hips and twist their sweaty bodies while electronic sounds relentlessly pounded our eardrums. I was playing God [place gender here] as well to someone I just brought inside a club. With the same gay crowd, the same set of House tracks and the same energy I felt after being in the courtyard for the first time many years ago,

Swear, O - O is the new Bed!

Two evenings ago, I found myself strolling the canopied grounds of Diliman with a friend who just came from a separation. I say separation and not break-up because their set up is unfamiliar to most gay people. Let's just say that my friend lived under one roof with another guy. They even shared the same bed. At first glance, an uninformed chap would think they were a couple. Well, they're not!

They never slept with each other.

I thought there was hope for these two men. After all, they've been together for more than a year. The other guy would call my friend every day. They both go to the same gym and my friend even cooked for him. The male companion may have all the trappings of a heterosexual, but living together with someone who had already professed his sexuality, and even expressed his desire to be with you, and still let him look after your well-being is very confusing.

"I guess you're there to prop him up - I know a lot of straight guys like that." I explained.

"Baka naman in-denial siya, dalhin ko kaya sa inuman ng mga engkantos para ma-convert." I even suggested.

"Maybe he's just afraid that your "relationship" is becoming too complicated. He may had suffocated by your presence so he pushed you away." He agreed.

In the end, my friend and I both realized that too much expectations lead to a breakdown of relationship. With my friend, he was expecting that the bond with his male companion may go beyond the realms of friendship - which it didn't. In my case, failing my own set of expectations lead me to break bonds without considering the feelings of the other person.

"No wonder, platonic friendships work longer."

Two days later, the other guy texted "Sorry."

It was insincere.

Two days ago, Mister Deja Vu and I started texting again. Before we ended our conversation, he asked how was Cuycuy.

Cuycuy is the name he gave to my prick.


red the mod said...

Remember my story? Of the one who got away? Of the boy who broke my heart, and took its pieces with him? Over five years ago?

How we lived-in for a year. Slept together, but never slept with each other. The hiding, the lies, the numerous rules he had, and that I obliged to. The one who took care of me, and then broke me in two?

This story reminds me of him.

blagadag said...

there you are again. koykoy was my last bareback partner inside my bathroom last vacation.

Eternal Wanderer... said...



orally said...

such a peculiar arrangement/relationship ...

cuycuy ftw!

Alterjon said...

fear requires an appropriate response. on the other guy's case, his resolve was to distance himself.

pero sana maayos nila. sayang.

soltero said...

OMG how can 2 guys live together for a year, sleep together but never slept with each other? ako 1 wk lng dapat meron ng tikiman LOL

i'm suspecting the other guy is really straight and forgive me for saying, he is just using your friend...

Kane said...

So, this is the writer's block? =)

I was just wondering, do you mean we should expect less? Where is the boundary between just right and too much expectations?

And really Mugen, Cuycuy??????????


Mu[g]en said...


Believe me dear, my plan was to write something that is more universal. Until now, the post remains a draft.

Speaking of expectations, how do you set one for a friend? Do you have a very different set for a potential lover?

Cuycuy, yeah. That's the reason I almost ditched him after the second time he slept over.


Manyak mo talaga! Bakit ako may gym mate pero hilig hilig rin magpa-prop up sakin. At least nakakabonus ako, libre pisil sa muscles niya.

Mu[g]en said...


Fear makes me abandon a person than suffer a guilt I can never bear. Sometimes, past scars make us break our present bonds.


My junior has many names. Someone dubbed thee, batutuy before. And those guys didn't even let me give a name to their schlongs.

Mu[g]en said...




I remember that story. Sobrang kinky mommy!


Similar, yet there's a twist. I could still feel your pain. Could you tell us again, did he end up with another guy?

paci said...

if your head is a cotton candy, at least it is sweet. =)

as long as you enjoy yourself then all is good joms.

Mu[g]en said...


Haha. Sabi mo yan sweet ha? Thanks. Just to let you know, Mister Deja Vu is so last year.

maginoongbulakenyo said...

Kala ko tungkol sa cotton candy..hehehe

Cuycuy? iyon kaya ang itawag ko sa newly born nephew ko..hahaha

Mu[g]en said...


Tunaw ang utak ko nung sinimulan kong isulat yung blog eh. Malay ko bang magco-comeback yung mga musa ko. Lolz.

Cuycuy - pamangkin. Huwag na uy!