Nate is a small, hunky, and quite good-looking guy who always says "jusku! jusku!" when he's excited. He's been with James ever since their #manhood days on MIRC and some say that he's a top and jun-juns (twinks) fall for him.
Before, my overall relationship with Nate was more on the acquaintance side since we barely know each other. But after he got drunk in one of the "Contingent's" Self Destruct parties, in which he hugged me, things started to change. Before, hanggang patango-tango lang kami kapag nagkikita, pero habang napapansin ko yung mga efforts na ginagawa niya para dun sa guy na friend ko, my symphaties gradually shifted to him over my ex college friend.
Until everything broke loose last week.
I've posted in one of my entries how disappointed I am seeing Nate feeling down and depressed. That was the first time I openly threw my support and sympathies to him. After all, I understand how it felt to hope for someone and then see that hope vanish overnight.
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Last night, we talked about his current relationship with the guy, and how I see things in favor of Nate. First, I believe that the chances of becoming attached to a guy are greater when you do things together exclusively - meaning watching movies together, hanging out together, etc. Once you've shown some intimacies to that person and that person cordially responded, one sex and a lot of guts later is enough to formalize a relationship after a week. After all, you don't show your feelings if YOU'RE not really interested in a person. You don't invite him on dates, watch movies, etc. if you don't like the person because such things may lead to attachment and so forth. In Nate's case, the attachment was obviously there. Shempre naman, kayo ang laging magkasama, magkaholding hands at nagdadate, tapos maghalikan ba naman kayo ng patago, punyeta ewan ko na lang kung hindi ka malason sa ginagawa niyo.
Some would say that there's a thing like infatuation. Pero fuck that infatuation thing, kaya maraming nasasaktan kasi marami ang walang guts para tapusin ang mga bagay na sinimulan nila o kaya panindigan nila ang mga bagay na pinasok nila.
I really hate people who keep a lot of spare tires around. I know how it feels being an umaasa and that feeling made me destroy myself once reality came sweeping in - that we're never really meant for each other.
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And I don't really understand why, after doing such things over and over again, you'll ask whether you're prepared to enter into a relationship or not when in fact, YOU'RE ACTUALLY DOING WHAT LOVERS USUALLY DO. Yun ang sabi ko kay Nate, blaming the guy who left him. Although, I did this mistake before to girls, after that conversation with my friend, everything became clear to me.
So hayun, the talk went on, he then told me that he reads my posts in PEx and that he admired my outlook on life and relationship. Ako naman, sobrang touched ako sa sinabi niya considering that I've always thought that I "barely existed" in his life.
But seriously, I admire the person, and I believe he's more mature than other PLUs I know and that hopefully someday, the next guy who would come into his life would be his last. Yun lang.
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Several more rounds of tagay over gin finally loosened me up. If I was hugging everyone a while ago, I was dancing with everyone this time. Ewan ko ba kung sino yung nagpatugtog ng mga romantic songs that made us sing like there's no tomorrow. Hayun, ako si James si Bes Goonie and Fyro were the one singing on top of our lungs. Weird thing was that kami-kami lang yung mga may buddy sa group nung gabing yun at puro sad love song ang kinakanta namin.
The singing leads to dancing. I was dancing with Bes, bonding with him, and talking about how our friendship survived for almost two years. I remembered before that when I first met him over a Union La-Dida (Malate) gathering, dedma pa ako sa kanya. Then, at one moment, I started talking to him. I soon realized that Dennis is a very sensible person and that he's very good at deconstructing everything about you. Hanggang sa dumating yung time na sinasadya ko na pumunta sa DLSU para lang magkwento sa kanya tungkol sa buhay ko... that time, he's the only one who knew me among the group. When we moved to another thread, we found new friends but our friendship remained strong. Now, he's the brother bear in OUTSIDERs and everyone looks up to him, the way I looked up to him despite being seen as a playboy by other guys.
Last night, I gave my first... and probably my only stan to Bes.
Wala lang, after doing that I was quite guilty, knowing that I told someone before that my lips are only reserved for Phanks. Of course, stan is just a friendly kiss but I've always scoffed at the idea of kissing someone on the lips.
Hindi lang nila alam kung gaano ako ka-guilty afterwards that I've had to continue my conversation with Fyro on my way home. But at some point, narealize ko rin, Bes deserves it. He always tells me that among the group, I am the one who is closest to him. He and his bud supported my relationship the way Phanks and I supported them and lastly, Bes is among the ODDERs who knew my family, the way I knew his - - (I was there during his grandmother's wake).
So hayun, I think there's a good and strong reason why I gave him my stan. Although it would become headlines among OUTSIDERs soon, I think one stan is enough. After all, I am in a relationship and such things would, in one way or another jeopardize the harmony existing between me and Phanks - no matter how we defined it as "friendly".
Drunk... Fyro and I said our goodbyes to the group.
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During the first time he appeared at the contingent, I accompanied Fyro home to continue the chat we left during our first solo-eb. Aside from the fact that I love road-tripping at night (and that he might be drunk and some company would keep him awake), I learned many things from the guy whenever we have a conversation, considering that he's "new" in this kind of relationship and lifestyle.
In one of my entries, I wrote that whenever we share our experiences with our buddies, I totally relate to his bud, while it seems that he can totally relate to my bud. Their stories are quite awesome and inspiring that many times, I would tell him that such relationships rarely happen.
You see, one good thing about having a conversation with someone who is also in a relationship is that both of you share many things about your relationship - its ups and downs to be exact. The benefit of having conversations is that you learn from their experiences and they learn from yours... During these discussions, the mere fact we tell someone about our buds and how he fared in the relationship indirectly propped up our feelings for our lovers. So I'm sure whenever Fyro tells me how proud he is with his bud and how proud I am with my bud, deep within ourselves, we reflect on how really special our lovers are.
Ganun rin ako kapag tinatanong ko si kapatid (James) about Koppy or Bes about Poi or Zeki with Boccelli. In his journals or posts, at least I get some feedback on how strong they are as a couple despite the distance, and how I would have to encourage them more to be the way they are. I'm sure, others might think that I'm close to meddling with someone's affairs but honestly, it also affects my relationship with Phanks.
By encouraging someone to be strong in their relationships, it's like encouraging me to be strong in mine - through the inspiration of others. It's like having a small and compact sub-support group of friends - with commitments, and our combined experiences and issues become the key to understanding our partners.
So hayun, kaya hindi nakakapagtaka na I sometimes put more attention to those who have relationships or enter a relationship because I know, we both can learn from each other.
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Oh my, It's already 4 pm. I spent over two hours writing this journal and I'm still suffering from a hang-over. I woke up at 1 this afternoon. In two hours, I would once again meet my bud. He told me yesterday that he'll be joining his officemates for a karaoke night. As usual, being his partner, I should be around if ever he gets drunk, or wants to go home. That's one of my primary responsibilities to him.
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Thanks, guys for the compliments. Your blogs are my inspiration for creating my own blog. kaboinks, the background music of this blog is Njosnavelin by Sigur Ross. It was the ending theme of a QAF episode when Brian had sex with a Justin look-alike.
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