As pulsar puts more pressure on you to pull back from the freefall while darkstar remains silent and ambivalent toward your actions that lead to this point of no return; as mugen continues his blissful drowning that began as a night-long wet dream, how would you hold yourself together and stop from completely disintegrating?
- Me to myself
---
By all feats of reason, strong bonding emotions could never be dealt so easily. I don't know who to blame, it was after all not my first strike. The homeward journey inside the cab, the grabbing of hand, the firm, forceful pressure in the crotch - it was his doing. I am just a mere willing responder to the first salvos he made.
Reason tells that I should put a strong wall between me and him. But how could you put a divider in a friendship that spun into something unexpected? How did I deal this conflict before? I just burned it to the ground - until its ashes could never be identified anymore.
But would it be possible to do such difficult feat again, knowing that inherently, I am a weak person? Perhaps... so long as this is just a conflict within me, there would never be any problems. But what if the response came from him? How would I deal such a bulls-eye strike?
My hopes now fall on a three-day absence forced by the natural order of things. By the time I return, the burning, would have been lessened by possible changes that may happen in the coming days. As a last ditch attempt, the resumption of the "bunny chasing" would begin in a few weeks. By then, my time would again be divided into four - work, family, school and gym. The partner doesn't demand so much time anyway so it wouldn't be a problem.
As the firestorm within me continues to burn, I don't have any choice but to bow down to my secret feelings. To be very honest about my state of existence, no matter how I masterfully deny it; No matter how I deceivingly pretend not to be affected by such lingering feelings for him. With all my humanity and strength, the truth is,
I am attached already.
And not matter what I do, the sinking into the pit continues.
Yes... I am sinking into the pit. It isn't a dream anymore and it's not a nightmare either.
---
I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
- Regina Spektor, Fidelity
- Me to myself
---
By all feats of reason, strong bonding emotions could never be dealt so easily. I don't know who to blame, it was after all not my first strike. The homeward journey inside the cab, the grabbing of hand, the firm, forceful pressure in the crotch - it was his doing. I am just a mere willing responder to the first salvos he made.
Reason tells that I should put a strong wall between me and him. But how could you put a divider in a friendship that spun into something unexpected? How did I deal this conflict before? I just burned it to the ground - until its ashes could never be identified anymore.
But would it be possible to do such difficult feat again, knowing that inherently, I am a weak person? Perhaps... so long as this is just a conflict within me, there would never be any problems. But what if the response came from him? How would I deal such a bulls-eye strike?
My hopes now fall on a three-day absence forced by the natural order of things. By the time I return, the burning, would have been lessened by possible changes that may happen in the coming days. As a last ditch attempt, the resumption of the "bunny chasing" would begin in a few weeks. By then, my time would again be divided into four - work, family, school and gym. The partner doesn't demand so much time anyway so it wouldn't be a problem.
As the firestorm within me continues to burn, I don't have any choice but to bow down to my secret feelings. To be very honest about my state of existence, no matter how I masterfully deny it; No matter how I deceivingly pretend not to be affected by such lingering feelings for him. With all my humanity and strength, the truth is,
I am attached already.
And not matter what I do, the sinking into the pit continues.
Yes... I am sinking into the pit. It isn't a dream anymore and it's not a nightmare either.
---
I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
- Regina Spektor, Fidelity
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