Like we always say at work, love knocks when we least expect it coming. However, it can never barge through locked doors. Love cannot dwell and take shelter inside broken hearts. It can never nurture feelings bound by fear and doubt and it can never grow when forced into someone who is not ready to embrace it. Love grows organically and its healing properties take effect only when the recipient believes in the magic it brings.
It's been five years since I last felt the pangs of singlehood creeping into my consciousness. The feeling leaves me vulnerable, and sometimes, forces me to seek refuge in any warm mantle that would give semblance to a romantic attachment. I see myself as an infant rhesus monkey snatched from its real mother from the forest. Whoever feeds me - even if such inanimate creature is made out of steel wires covered with thatched cloth - would still pass as my surrogate. Chances are, I would overlook its shortcomings by dwelling on my own idea of a nurturer until such time I have my fill and realize that I have to seek something more real. The result would be a total and complete abandonment and in the wake of my passing, someone gets hurt.
Another dream gets shattered.
Tannis would have been a promising prospect. He was old (and possibly mature) enough to control me, he had a stable job that appealed to my sound financial judgment and our range of intimacy and romantic goals complement one another. He could have been a perfect match, had I given him the chance to prove his worth.
It was Sunday two weeks ago when our communication resumed. I always thought that I'm into him more than he was into me. However, signs tell that he was interested as well. I just denied the fact after learning that too much expectations would just leave me back on the slump. The trauma of an earlier market crash was still fresh and to suffer from another one might trigger a response that would hurl me back into the dens of Club Bath.
I do not wish for Kitsune's reawakening.
Monday came and we decided to trade each others Friendster account. Finally, I would get to know more about my future prospect instead of speculating about him. His profile included pictures, blurbs and even a blog. However, out of respect for the person that I was conversing on Yahoo Messenger, I turned my attention to chatting instead of processing the information he shared. What I knew is that his presence thrilled me and my heart was getting ready to take another plunge.
Had it been the case, it would be the fastest recovery I ever made since I began entering relationships seven years ago.
Unfortunately, dreams are made long enough to last a sleep and when it's time to wake up, the rousing lets us see clearly the distinction between a fantasy and a reality. Tannis was just an idea and the more I got to know him, the more he made me realize that I'm not prepared to risk my heart again.
Tuesday morning, I began processing the information he shared the night before. His photos revealed a person somewhat obsessed with fashion and vanity. Immediately, the monument I had built began showing signs of stress. Cracks appeared at the base and the foundation began to wallow every time a strong wind bounced off the structure. A construction hazard I must suggest. Good thing, understanding is one of my stronger points. I simply overlooked his flaw knowing that he works in a retail company. Who in the right mind can blame him if he appeared too loud in photos when he breathes and eats fashion?
Not even my harsher demons can raise an argument about that.
The processing went on. This time, I explored his mind by reading his blog.
To say that I was profoundly moved would be an understatement. It is not my intention to judge a person through his writings. However, I asked myself how someone as deep as me could resonate with someone who appears lacking in depth. How can I give up myself to someone who appeared clingy and needy when I am the one who needs to be restored? His strangeness bothered me and the more I seek to know him,
the more I discover that he was never a future but a ghost of my past. He was Phanks reincarnated into another person. His smile was becoming more of Raizen, the guy who broke my heart the first time I spoke of love.
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-tobecontinued-
It's been five years since I last felt the pangs of singlehood creeping into my consciousness. The feeling leaves me vulnerable, and sometimes, forces me to seek refuge in any warm mantle that would give semblance to a romantic attachment. I see myself as an infant rhesus monkey snatched from its real mother from the forest. Whoever feeds me - even if such inanimate creature is made out of steel wires covered with thatched cloth - would still pass as my surrogate. Chances are, I would overlook its shortcomings by dwelling on my own idea of a nurturer until such time I have my fill and realize that I have to seek something more real. The result would be a total and complete abandonment and in the wake of my passing, someone gets hurt.
Another dream gets shattered.
Tannis would have been a promising prospect. He was old (and possibly mature) enough to control me, he had a stable job that appealed to my sound financial judgment and our range of intimacy and romantic goals complement one another. He could have been a perfect match, had I given him the chance to prove his worth.
It was Sunday two weeks ago when our communication resumed. I always thought that I'm into him more than he was into me. However, signs tell that he was interested as well. I just denied the fact after learning that too much expectations would just leave me back on the slump. The trauma of an earlier market crash was still fresh and to suffer from another one might trigger a response that would hurl me back into the dens of Club Bath.
I do not wish for Kitsune's reawakening.
Monday came and we decided to trade each others Friendster account. Finally, I would get to know more about my future prospect instead of speculating about him. His profile included pictures, blurbs and even a blog. However, out of respect for the person that I was conversing on Yahoo Messenger, I turned my attention to chatting instead of processing the information he shared. What I knew is that his presence thrilled me and my heart was getting ready to take another plunge.
Had it been the case, it would be the fastest recovery I ever made since I began entering relationships seven years ago.
Unfortunately, dreams are made long enough to last a sleep and when it's time to wake up, the rousing lets us see clearly the distinction between a fantasy and a reality. Tannis was just an idea and the more I got to know him, the more he made me realize that I'm not prepared to risk my heart again.
Tuesday morning, I began processing the information he shared the night before. His photos revealed a person somewhat obsessed with fashion and vanity. Immediately, the monument I had built began showing signs of stress. Cracks appeared at the base and the foundation began to wallow every time a strong wind bounced off the structure. A construction hazard I must suggest. Good thing, understanding is one of my stronger points. I simply overlooked his flaw knowing that he works in a retail company. Who in the right mind can blame him if he appeared too loud in photos when he breathes and eats fashion?
Not even my harsher demons can raise an argument about that.
The processing went on. This time, I explored his mind by reading his blog.
To say that I was profoundly moved would be an understatement. It is not my intention to judge a person through his writings. However, I asked myself how someone as deep as me could resonate with someone who appears lacking in depth. How can I give up myself to someone who appeared clingy and needy when I am the one who needs to be restored? His strangeness bothered me and the more I seek to know him,
the more I discover that he was never a future but a ghost of my past. He was Phanks reincarnated into another person. His smile was becoming more of Raizen, the guy who broke my heart the first time I spoke of love.
---
-tobecontinued-
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