Once There Was An Expedition - The Letdown

Classes will start a few days from now. I imagine seeing myself on the first day of school; walking at the corridor; my eyes fixed at the room number nailed on each door; and then waiting for the instructor to open the school year with colorful introductions.

Ah yes! The halls of my campus.

For three years, it has been my refuge from the monotony of office work. It breathed life in the way I express with words. It tampered creativity so it would grow beyond its box. It broke my confidence so it could raise me to a state of consciousness never before realize when I was under tutelage of the Dominican priests.

It would have been my last year in the land of the Maroons until I broke down and began doubting my way with words.

To heal wounds that were inflicted, I didn't submit the final requirement in my subject last semester.

Summer came. The blistering heat was replaced by the drenching monsoon. The trees might be singing but my lips were pursed.

UP Ikot Jeep

"Sir, I will try to revise my papers before the school year begins." I wrote in an email a few days before the deadline. It would have been easy to honor my promise. I could have asked for someone's assistance to do my work.

But somewhere along, inferiority has gotten into my head. I will never be the writer they wanted me to be.

So instead of moving forward, a reclusive retreat left me assessing my weakness.

I am not a reader of other works.
I always clamor for words. (and always lose them the moment I begin writing)
I am my worst critic. (and praise be, I rarely wrestle the blog entries from getting published)

An approaching slump threatened our fortune. I had to stop and pursue other callings which are better suited for a change of life. A blood-letting was required at work - the taskmaster will be having a baby. She needed to take a leave. I was asked to take over and seeing it as a duty rather than a promotion, I nodded at their request despite its effects on my expedition goals.

Uncertain of a future, I returned to the university a few weeks ago. I was hoping that a new subject would be offered, and that would fit in my schedule. There was none. The subjects needed to complete all found their places in the grading sheet. What was left was the non-fiction I abandoned last year, the language examination which I have to pass and off I go writing my thesis.

Which I am not prepared to embark at this point in time.

Classes will start in Diliman. I picture students in my head eager to go to class on the first day of school. They huddle at the middle of the corridor, staring at the room numbers nailed on each door and waiting for the instructor to open the school year with verdant salvos

- leaving a pockmark of paradise in each student's eyes.

Ah yes! The halls of my campus.

Defeated and on the verge of soul searching, it is the first time I will bow my head and accept my absence.

Some dreams will have to be delayed.