Kapitan and Pan

Fortune smiles to those who are true seekers of love.

This is the welcome message I use in my line of work. It never fails to encourage a response. In most cases, it opens doors that would lead to revelations of our clients' romantic longings. It welcomes thirsty wanderers searching for answers that would get them closer to their desires.

For months, the spiel was the song that allowed me to reach out and touch people's hearts. It never occurred that the same lines, which I had used on others, when used upon me would open the doors that would gently pat my long forgotten dreams.

How I wish, I could go back and start all over again.

"Kapitan, paano kayo nagsimula ni Kapitana?"

It was a harmless question directed to a friend from the Tripper's Clan. We know him as the Pirata, but another friend, Cholo_Dude had given him a new endearment. He is now known as the Kapitan, whose imposing presence had recently shaped how we conducted our affairs in the thread. We know each other in Pinoyexchange for years. However his elusive nature prevented me from knowing him deeper.

Until recently.

"Ganito, kasi di ba lima kami dati, si One, Ako, Biboy, Tsino and Pan," Kapitan replied.

"Uh huh.."

"Alam naman ng karamihan na si One ang gusto ko nun. crush lang naman."

In truth, I wasn't aware that they had their own circle. I was busy with my own conflicts that a mere invitation from the group we both belonged was enough to keep me at peace. I've heard rumors about them before - rumors that spread like wildfire, whose impressions leaned against Kapitan's reputation. Now that I was able to talk to him directly, these stories which blurred my vision and their circle can now be put to rest: Everything said about him was just mere fabrication.

"Then kahit pa alam ni One yun wala lang, barkada.. tapos si Pan shoti na tawag ko dun. kumbaga bunsong kapatid. tapos lagi sya tumatawag sa bahay namin. sya yung napagkkwentuhan ko madalas about One."

We know that attractions are bound to fail when it is not sustained or encouraged by the person we direct our feelings to. We also know that when we get tired of putting a person on the spotlight and then realize that he is not as unique as we thought him to be, we turn off the lights, pack up and then move on. This is what happened to Kapitan and One. As for him and Pan, their brotherly ties had taken a new direction - something, which both of them never expected to happen.

"One time kami na tinutukso dahil sobrang close namin. Napansin yun nila Tsino na ako naman natatawa kasi di ko naman alam pinagsasasabi nila."

"Hanggang ako mismo nagpuna sa sarili ko kung bakit nila kami niloloko."

I remember having a very close friend whose name is Yusuke. We were classmates in high school and we treated each other as mere acquaintances back then. For some reasons however, our friendship went deeper during our junior year in college. We may be studying in different universities, but we talked almost every night on the phone for hours. Our subjects ranged from Anime to the software he used in class. We talked about friends, school and other trivial things that crossed our mind. We occasionally talked about women, but in those days, we felt awkward having them as our subject. The reason for Yusuke might have simply been to avoid getting teased by her sisters.

For me, the future would tell why.

We went out almost every Fridays to see different places. Malls were our favorite spot for not only do we get to do some window shopping, we also get to check the pirated PC games that proliferated around us. We sometimes watched movies, dined in different restaurants, or when we have no money, we just stayed home to watch TV or let him do his homework on my computer.

Sometimes he would do a sleep-over just to keep me company as I finish my papers for school.

Despite our almost inseparable bond, Yusuke and I were never romantically connected. We would sometimes sleep in one bed, but the thoughts of stepping over the line never occurred to me - not even the thought of it. We were perfect companions and I wouldn't have asked for more. Only later, when I learned how homo-leaning our actions were did I realize that he could have been my first lover.

"Then one day jinoke namin sila na kami na ni Pan."

"Talaga?" I said with much astonishment.

"Tapos tuwang tuwa sila... pero joke nga lang. Then after nun sabi ni Pan na bawiin na raw namin yung joke."

"That time iba nafeel ko nung sinabi niyang bawiin namin."

"Di ko rin alam kung bakit biglang ganun na feel ko pero nalungkot ako."

Yusuke began entertaining the thoughts of having a relationship with a girl just when I was about to start mine. Things didn't matter then for I have always preoccupied myself chasing women. I was even seeing one at that time he courted his soon-to-be girlfriend. However, it was Yusuke's company that I enjoyed most. I get to look after him without being expected of me. We get to see places without worrying too much about the well-being of my company. Ours could have been a very ideal man to man relationship only if I knew there was such a concept. Looking back at his values and beliefs however, he would never accept such idea.

Back to Kapitan and Pan, their joke backfired. The Kapitan admitted that he had fun being his shoti's boyfriend - even if just for a moment. I may not imagine how twisted it would be to become your little brother's lover, but I feel the connection - the bond that would make you achieve a state of singularity only the two of you could appreciate. No wonder, he was hesitant to take back Pan's joke. Perhaps in those few moments of bliss, he finally found his true purpose toward his little brother. Maybe they are meant to have roles deeper than what they have established.

So when the game was over, Kapitan already felt different. Rather than addressing what he now felt, he pulled back and put some distance between him and his shoti.

"Ganun kasi ako eh. Di ako yung aggressive type."

"So what happened?" I asked.

"So ayun, iniwasan ko siya then napansin niya yun."

"Binabasura ko daw siya."

"Tapos?" The suspense is killing me.

"Then di ko kinaya na magpanggap kaya inamin ko sa kanya na meron akong nararamdaman na ayaw kong ituloy."

Had I have the balls to do as what Kapitan did, I would have saved myself from a lot of major heartaches and meaningless abandonment. But can I blame myself from veering towards back roads when ambiguity is my element? Can I blame myself for denying my emotions when history tells that I've been preceded by so many turn-downs in the past?

"Sabi niya, wag ko daw siya iwasan."

"Saka di naman daw niya ako hahayaang mahulog magisa."

Mag-isa. the last word that struck me deep. I found myself suddenly searching for any snippets of memory that would make me feel that I was never alone in my relationships - that my lovers did truly care for me. Maybe there were moments - rare and timeless ones. But now that they are muddled by my desire for something new; something that is closer to what Kapitan and Pan have, I systematically erased those moments from my memory banks.

Kapitan revealed to me more about his past this afternoon than in all the years we know each other. His relationship with Pan gifted him with insights that I still have to learn from my own experience.

"Dati sabi ko sa sarili ko, bakit ang dami kong naging ex," he began. "Bakit di kami tumatagal? Bakit lagi akong sinasaktan.. Pero ngayon narealize ko kung bakit nangyari sa akin yun. Isipin mo na lang na yang experience mo eh lesson para sayo. Yung failed relationships ang nagpreprepare sa atin bago natin mameet yung para sa atin talaga. Kung iisipin mo, kung tumagal pa yan lalo, mas matagal yung nasayang na panahon. In time malalaman mo kung sino talaga para sayo. Hindi sa panahon na masaya kayo, kundi sa panahon na almost gusto mo ng kumalas."

His words stunned me. Never did I think a person could be this brimming with insights when he is sharing his life with someone he truly loves. Now I understand why he has this authority over our other members in the clan. It is his brilliance that make people gather around him. It is his wisdom that convinced us to let him be the new Thread Founder of the clan.

---

Kapitan's story is just one of the several love stories I stumbled upon lately. His was full of promise, full of romance and full of hope for a relationship that some people find hard to believe that can work. His was a breathe of mentholated air, a warmth-giving hug on a cold lonely night, a full moon on a starless, cloudless sky which illuminates a silvery landscape used to the darkness of the night. In the course of our conversation, he told me a couple of times that he sees Pan more of a brother than his lover despite enduring the trials and tribulations of a two-year old relationship. A malicious mind could have simply interpreted his words as someone harboring some incest fantasies. Someone who sees beyond the veil could truly appreciate what they have achieved.

As I was talking to them last night over a chat conference, it became a source of confusion as to why Pan keeps calling someone Kuya when there was only me and the Kapitan chatting with him. Granted that I am the oldest among the two of them, Pan still sees me as his equal.

Only later did I find out who his Kuya really was.

"Kuya tulog na tayo. Sabay pa tayo magwowork-out mamaya."

"Sige offline na ako in a while. Paano Joms una na kami," the Kapitan said.

"Sige, good night sa inyong dalawa. Sa muling pag-uusap."

Fortune indeed smiles to those who are true seekers of love.