As difficult it is to accept, trends reveal that singlehood is a state I do not last very long. The findings can be traced to a habit of faithfully sticking to the first person who gets me. If you find the word "get" a little confusing, think of it this way: It is not words that win me over. Physical affection remains the barometer that would make my heart beat.
Given this often tragic habit of assuming things without any formalities, misunderstandings often occur. Fortunately, clarity is never my element. I could be as sweet and affectionate to a person without being certain it would lead to a commitment. I admit, it gets painful when things don't work out. However, acceptance is easy when you know that love can never be forced to someone. Moving on is necessary, no matter how aching the process of detachment is.
The day after I let Tannis sleep on my bed, things have become rosy between the two of us. He would inform me of the most trivial things he would do - such as the meals he would eat during his breaks, or the exact time he leaves for work. I respond to his text messages with much enthusiasm but rarely do our exchanges lead to conversation.
He is sweet beyond words and for his efforts, I tried to become as accommodating as my emotions would permit. I learned from our first engagements that there is hesitation in me - that I would never be complete had he become my new partner. There is something in Tannis that is lacking and I am afraid that I might look for it on others who would come after him.
However, after his unexpected return last Christmas Eve, I tried to overlook his shortcomings and instead focused my attention to learning his essential traits. He said he was monogamous in his past relationships and it strongly appealed to me. He is a self-made man, who now claims to be a manager in a retail store that sells high-end clothes. His story reminded me of Phanks and what he might become five years from now. This didn't bother me unlike during our first run because Tannis had, for most occasions had given me this impression of financial stability that I never felt from those I was willing to take seriously before him.
Two days after Christmas, Tannis called asking if I was free that evening. I was about to leave the gym and since I had nothing else to do, I decided to meet him to get close and personal. As he ate his fast-food dinner in Wendy's Shangri-La, I listened intently to all his stories. He might not be aware of it, but I was keenly observing everything about him - from the way he described his family, to the responsibilities he do at work. I noted down all his strong points and tried, my very best, to compromise the things that he lacked. He rarely asked anything about me, so during the whole time we were together, I said little that would catch his fancy. I know, one would get tempted to say that I'm ruthless in judging his character while I, allowed a trickle of information about me to drop on him. The reason for the obvious one-way exchange is simple: We never really see each other eye to eye.
Despite this challenge, I never allowed our differences to dominate our first hang-out. So we went to his apartment hoping that I could get to know him more. Experience tells that you can learn as much about a person from the place he calls home. What I saw amazed me. Not only was Tannis well-ordered with his surroundings, he tried as much as possible to keep his spot tidy. The guy had a strong chance if Mugen was the only one who called the shots in relationships. He was manly enough to make me feel secured. He was a good man who was able to gnaw into my defenses. There was never a moment of repulsion when we get intimate with each other. For a moment, I thought what was only lacking to cement our bond was formality. Unfortunately, Darkstar's and Pulsar's opinion weighted heavily and as we got to know each other, the light which illuminated him a few days before began to dim the more he revealed himself in the dark.
"Can I call you honey?" he blurted out while we were cuddling in the sofa.
"Huh? Do you think we're going too fast?" I asked.
He frowned at me to express his feelings of disappointment.
"I think we should get to know each other more before entering a relationship," I suggested. "After all, my attention is all yours," I mumbled to myself.
I left his place more confused than when I arrived. Mugen and Darkstar had both agreed to give it a shot and what kept things hanging was Pulsar's reservation. You see, the only thing missing - and I was looking for Tannis - was depth and sublimity. While he raved about Sex in the City and Queer As Folk, I was hoping we could talk about other things - like current events, history, or at least even Science Fiction or our thoughts of life and living without any pretensions. After three failed attempts in relationships, I finally learned what I am looking for: a partner I could talk to; a buddy who I could share my most intimate thoughts and insights; a friend who would truly enjoy the strange places I go and things I do. I was willing to wait for Tannis. Unfortunately, he was too impatient to see me bare myself and in his fear that I might just leave him in the end, he made a move that would keep us - remaining apart.
On the night of the Outsiders Christmas Party, Tannis asked for another meet-up. I told him I could not come for I have other engagements already in place. He might have taken my rejection badly that he went out to have a drink with his "tropa." I never asked who this "tropa" was but I felt something odd about the manner he relayed the message. When the party was over, I texted informing him that I arrived home. I never got a reply. The following afternoon, he sent an SMS message telling me that he got home past 4 in the morning.
And then there was dead silence afterwards.
Piecing the events that took place, I conclude that maybe because of his deep longing for someone to call his own, he went back to Malate to seek a replacement. Perhaps he found a new one that morning. There is also a possibility that a rival was already there before I came and what he was waiting for was the one who would first give in. Too bad, what I was asking is a little more time. For him however, time was never the essence - it is the attachment that counts.
I sent two more text messages to express my declaration of affection but I never received any reply. Knowing how most guys conduct their romantic affairs, I understood that it was time for me to go. What is so strange is that I felt more relieved to see him fade away rather than feel bad that I let him go.
New Year begins and I am completely free from any attachments. The circles, which took three months to draw are now complete. As I begin to draw a new one, it is my hope that whatever misfortunes I struck in the past would never happen again. Tannis could have been the fourth, had he let me get drawn to him a little more closer.
But he didn't. He was rushing to have a relationship without knowing more about his soon-to-be-partner.
And so, the time of isolation ends today. The book of Tannis is now closed. We grieved for Phanks long enough and we have stayed away from Malate rather than exploring the possibilities of getting to know the people we bump in that place.
2009 opens with me, searching the distance for any silhouette or shadowy figure that might be the fourth.
For who knows, maybe in the horizon; maybe just beyond the clouds; or maybe,
after staring at sunsets for too long.
The soul I am looking for would just appear unexpectedly, standing next to me.
---
Happy New Year Everyone.
Given this often tragic habit of assuming things without any formalities, misunderstandings often occur. Fortunately, clarity is never my element. I could be as sweet and affectionate to a person without being certain it would lead to a commitment. I admit, it gets painful when things don't work out. However, acceptance is easy when you know that love can never be forced to someone. Moving on is necessary, no matter how aching the process of detachment is.
The day after I let Tannis sleep on my bed, things have become rosy between the two of us. He would inform me of the most trivial things he would do - such as the meals he would eat during his breaks, or the exact time he leaves for work. I respond to his text messages with much enthusiasm but rarely do our exchanges lead to conversation.
He is sweet beyond words and for his efforts, I tried to become as accommodating as my emotions would permit. I learned from our first engagements that there is hesitation in me - that I would never be complete had he become my new partner. There is something in Tannis that is lacking and I am afraid that I might look for it on others who would come after him.
However, after his unexpected return last Christmas Eve, I tried to overlook his shortcomings and instead focused my attention to learning his essential traits. He said he was monogamous in his past relationships and it strongly appealed to me. He is a self-made man, who now claims to be a manager in a retail store that sells high-end clothes. His story reminded me of Phanks and what he might become five years from now. This didn't bother me unlike during our first run because Tannis had, for most occasions had given me this impression of financial stability that I never felt from those I was willing to take seriously before him.
Two days after Christmas, Tannis called asking if I was free that evening. I was about to leave the gym and since I had nothing else to do, I decided to meet him to get close and personal. As he ate his fast-food dinner in Wendy's Shangri-La, I listened intently to all his stories. He might not be aware of it, but I was keenly observing everything about him - from the way he described his family, to the responsibilities he do at work. I noted down all his strong points and tried, my very best, to compromise the things that he lacked. He rarely asked anything about me, so during the whole time we were together, I said little that would catch his fancy. I know, one would get tempted to say that I'm ruthless in judging his character while I, allowed a trickle of information about me to drop on him. The reason for the obvious one-way exchange is simple: We never really see each other eye to eye.
Despite this challenge, I never allowed our differences to dominate our first hang-out. So we went to his apartment hoping that I could get to know him more. Experience tells that you can learn as much about a person from the place he calls home. What I saw amazed me. Not only was Tannis well-ordered with his surroundings, he tried as much as possible to keep his spot tidy. The guy had a strong chance if Mugen was the only one who called the shots in relationships. He was manly enough to make me feel secured. He was a good man who was able to gnaw into my defenses. There was never a moment of repulsion when we get intimate with each other. For a moment, I thought what was only lacking to cement our bond was formality. Unfortunately, Darkstar's and Pulsar's opinion weighted heavily and as we got to know each other, the light which illuminated him a few days before began to dim the more he revealed himself in the dark.
"Can I call you honey?" he blurted out while we were cuddling in the sofa.
"Huh? Do you think we're going too fast?" I asked.
He frowned at me to express his feelings of disappointment.
"I think we should get to know each other more before entering a relationship," I suggested. "After all, my attention is all yours," I mumbled to myself.
I left his place more confused than when I arrived. Mugen and Darkstar had both agreed to give it a shot and what kept things hanging was Pulsar's reservation. You see, the only thing missing - and I was looking for Tannis - was depth and sublimity. While he raved about Sex in the City and Queer As Folk, I was hoping we could talk about other things - like current events, history, or at least even Science Fiction or our thoughts of life and living without any pretensions. After three failed attempts in relationships, I finally learned what I am looking for: a partner I could talk to; a buddy who I could share my most intimate thoughts and insights; a friend who would truly enjoy the strange places I go and things I do. I was willing to wait for Tannis. Unfortunately, he was too impatient to see me bare myself and in his fear that I might just leave him in the end, he made a move that would keep us - remaining apart.
On the night of the Outsiders Christmas Party, Tannis asked for another meet-up. I told him I could not come for I have other engagements already in place. He might have taken my rejection badly that he went out to have a drink with his "tropa." I never asked who this "tropa" was but I felt something odd about the manner he relayed the message. When the party was over, I texted informing him that I arrived home. I never got a reply. The following afternoon, he sent an SMS message telling me that he got home past 4 in the morning.
And then there was dead silence afterwards.
Piecing the events that took place, I conclude that maybe because of his deep longing for someone to call his own, he went back to Malate to seek a replacement. Perhaps he found a new one that morning. There is also a possibility that a rival was already there before I came and what he was waiting for was the one who would first give in. Too bad, what I was asking is a little more time. For him however, time was never the essence - it is the attachment that counts.
I sent two more text messages to express my declaration of affection but I never received any reply. Knowing how most guys conduct their romantic affairs, I understood that it was time for me to go. What is so strange is that I felt more relieved to see him fade away rather than feel bad that I let him go.
New Year begins and I am completely free from any attachments. The circles, which took three months to draw are now complete. As I begin to draw a new one, it is my hope that whatever misfortunes I struck in the past would never happen again. Tannis could have been the fourth, had he let me get drawn to him a little more closer.
But he didn't. He was rushing to have a relationship without knowing more about his soon-to-be-partner.
And so, the time of isolation ends today. The book of Tannis is now closed. We grieved for Phanks long enough and we have stayed away from Malate rather than exploring the possibilities of getting to know the people we bump in that place.
2009 opens with me, searching the distance for any silhouette or shadowy figure that might be the fourth.
For who knows, maybe in the horizon; maybe just beyond the clouds; or maybe,
after staring at sunsets for too long.
The soul I am looking for would just appear unexpectedly, standing next to me.
---
Happy New Year Everyone.
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