Friday, October 2, 2009


I stare at this blank page, thinking how a year swiftly passes by. All the struggle to find my ground, now losing its meaning; all the soreness of getting over a failed relationship, my body now numbed from the pain. As I look at my ex partner's Friendster profile, his passing is but a distant memory. No matter how I try to recall how I shared a life with him, forgetfulness strikes, now that I remain free.

It's been twelve months since my thoughts belonged to one person. Add another half a year and that's how long since I truly had deep feelings for someone. For five years, the string of attachment was never broken. How I endured the cycles without receiving almost nothing remains a mystery I could still not decode.

The rear view mirror beckons: Freedom allowed me to rule my own castle. Its fortifications upgraded, the Citadel withstood the assaults from those who tried to force open its steel gates. Two successive armies were thwarted immediately. One routed my forces to the brink of surrender. He was known as the Soul Keeper. As to how he was able to bring down my defenses, my best guess was the shared visions we had as we strolled across a broken city.

The Ridge Racer spun too fast. The Pilot, despite his best efforts for a touchdown missed the runway by a few degrees. The guy who loved my disco stick the most thought his deception will work. A word war triggered by a Pizza and it was all over between us. Master Shifu was a good teacher. He taught me never to bite a bait made of sweet words that meant nothing.

I slept next to Epitome Boy and forgot the cares of the world. He made me feel, even for brief moments how one's life could be shared with another. How unfortunate that he was already owned by someone. To invade one's territory was never my principle, and after the third sleep-in was over, he left never to be seen again.

The guy from Serendra presented himself as a savior. His presence was promising, only that we cannot see each other eye to eye. The events at Serendra was a lesson costly learned. I got attached too early, it scared the hell out of the boy. We still speak from time to time; our ties now warmer than it used to be when we were making out under the unlit corners of the Global City. But I do not see a union forthcoming. He will never be ready to give up his singlehood and I am beginning not to let go of mine.

August dropped the bomb and the prospects of having a fuck buddy changed my perspectives. Why give up sovereignty when I can get away with sporadic incursions. The Hood Kid was the answer and his nearness was a bittersweet exception. With only a heartbeat's distance away from my periphery, he could always cross over when the need arises.

But how long will I use him when he can never make me complete?

So I abandoned one for another and the last to arrive would have been the best of them all. Among those who showed up at the gate, he was the one ready to undo the folly of chasing moonbeams suspended in the horizon.

He stacked stones when my walls would sink under ground
and would drive away beastly creatures betraying in the dark.

He could have been the perfect guardian but his advance came unnoticed. I was armed to the teeth when he brought reinforcements to my jaded fortress. As darkness lingers, I stood my ground and reaffirmed my vow never needing another. I had to let go or risk the latter suffer the same fate which brought me to this state.

Hiniling ko ang umibig pero ako na rin mismo ang kusang tumalikod rito.
Ano man ang dahilan, tanging nakaraan ko na lang ang magbibigay kasagutan.

There are times I would wake up early in the morning, hoping I could curl my arms around someone's body. I would yearn for warm skin I could snuggle until the sun peeks outside my eastward window, and I would long for a kindred soul I could make love with until every fear inside my head and every doubt I have with my being are cleared away by the promise of togetherness. I know such object of desire is just but wishful thinking. Now that I have reaffirmed my solitary nature; my penchant to have my way without telling anyone my direction,

Lovers make no sense, when I've always been on my own.

This is me a year after independence.