Malate. Five minutes before midnight.
How did I find myself here, it never mattered. Especially when you're writing this entry at the exact Internet Cafe where you and the ex used to meet after work. I cannot deny that this hollowed corner brings back painful memories which I thought were long forgotten. The regret, hidden for ages appears once again like a tormented ghost searching for that ray of light towards the afterlife.
The month of ice, frigid and unforgiving have cast its arctic spell. I felt its chills on the first day of its onset. Only one person knew the number of souls who were briefly frozen. I will not speak his name, nor say much about the people I left in the wintry cold.
The same story unfolds. Boy finds boy in the internet. Numbers are exchanged and horny words are traded over sms. The moaning gives way to talking. If the other guy sues for peace before any hints of a bed war comes out of his sweet lips, we offer non-aggression in hopes of a union between rival states. A joint communique spells out a treaty of friendship. It paves the way for a first contact. We show up unarmed. Stories are shared in hopes of a warm reception. Meet-ups were mostly friendly, but sadly, ties lose steam a day or two after embassies are established.
How did I find myself here, it never mattered. Especially when you're writing this entry at the exact Internet Cafe where you and the ex used to meet after work. I cannot deny that this hollowed corner brings back painful memories which I thought were long forgotten. The regret, hidden for ages appears once again like a tormented ghost searching for that ray of light towards the afterlife.
The month of ice, frigid and unforgiving have cast its arctic spell. I felt its chills on the first day of its onset. Only one person knew the number of souls who were briefly frozen. I will not speak his name, nor say much about the people I left in the wintry cold.
The same story unfolds. Boy finds boy in the internet. Numbers are exchanged and horny words are traded over sms. The moaning gives way to talking. If the other guy sues for peace before any hints of a bed war comes out of his sweet lips, we offer non-aggression in hopes of a union between rival states. A joint communique spells out a treaty of friendship. It paves the way for a first contact. We show up unarmed. Stories are shared in hopes of a warm reception. Meet-ups were mostly friendly, but sadly, ties lose steam a day or two after embassies are established.
We try to learn where things go wrong.
And for the first time me thinks.
I found the answer.
I will still have to learn to strike a balance between intimacy and friendship. But I know something's lacking in these four encounters. Perhaps, it was my own doing why these meetings never prospered. I wanted it fast and I wanted it deep, but when I get (or almost get) the affirmation that I seek, strings are loosened and I move on and proceed to my next target.
I don't know when this would end - the cycle - of searching for the right one over and over again. Me thinks, the more I learn to thrive in moments, the more I ignore the longings of permanence. Time is running out. The frigid my heart grows, the lesser I become receptive to the arrival of a new one. I saw this coming and now that I have learned; (after so many near-misses which left me terrified of the thought of closely being taken) now that I have gone through the same bad tale over and over again; (I cannot deny that I enjoyed dipping my hands into different lives)
Finally, acceptance comes that my life is better off if I stick on my own.
And for the first time me thinks.
I found the answer.
Si unang lalaki after ng meet up, ginawa pa rin akong fuck-buddy sa cellphone. Kapag taglibog, tatawag siya sa akin para makipag-SOP. Nang minsang naisipan niyang maging bottom, nagpaubaya ako sa kanyang gusto. Pero pagkatapos noon ay hindi na ako nagtext back o kaya naman ay sinagot ang kanyang mga tawag. Tama na ang isang linggong ginawa niya akong puta sa telepono. Si ikalawa na isang tropa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako ang kanyang hinanap. Malungkot isang gabi, gustong makitulog. Hindi pala makibahay ang hangad. Kaniig pala ang sadya sa kama. Hindi ko pinagbigyan ang lalaki. In the first place, hindi pa kami nagkikita. Naging ugat yun ng aming tampuhan. Ilang araw matapos ang mga pangyayari, nakipag-ayos din ako sa kanya.
Si ikatlo na natripan ko sa O-Bar. Balak akong iuwi sa kanyang bahay. Kasalanan ko rin naman dahil ako ang nanghamon sa sayawan. Ngunit nang mahuli kong sumablay ang boses, bigla akong nawalan ng gana. Makikipag-one night stand na nga lang, sa taong ni kahit kailan ay hindi ko na pipiliin makita. Iniwan ko ang binata at bumalik ako sa dance floor mag-isa. Karmahin na ang choosy pero mapili ako talaga.
Panghuli si Orion. Ang kaisa-isang lalaking inaya ko matulog sa bahay. Ang binata ay reto ng isang kaibigan, na nalaman ko na may pagtingin pala sa tala. Marami kaming napagkasunduan at tunay akong nag-enjoy sa aming tagpuan. Naging pananggalang ko siya sa tukso ng alakdan. Scorpion nights nang siya'y aking imbitahan. Mahigpit ang kanyang mga yakap, nakaramdam ako ng init sa kanyang mga bisig. Walang nangyari sa amin ng gabing iyon ngunit hindi makakaila na na-attach ako sa kanya.
Naging matamis ang mga sumunod na araw. Nakaramdam ako ng pagka-miss. Subalit nang ako ay magising sa katotohanang isa lang ang nakakaramdam ng paghahanap, bigla akong kumabig. Nahuli niya ako sa aking unguarded moment at dahil dun ay pwersahan akong nag-detach.
Gagawin ko sanang tropa si Orion.
Pero mukhang nagdecide na ang binata. Wala na akong narinig sa kanya mula noong Huwebes.
I will still have to learn to strike a balance between intimacy and friendship. But I know something's lacking in these four encounters. Perhaps, it was my own doing why these meetings never prospered. I wanted it fast and I wanted it deep, but when I get (or almost get) the affirmation that I seek, strings are loosened and I move on and proceed to my next target.
I don't know when this would end - the cycle - of searching for the right one over and over again. Me thinks, the more I learn to thrive in moments, the more I ignore the longings of permanence. Time is running out. The frigid my heart grows, the lesser I become receptive to the arrival of a new one. I saw this coming and now that I have learned; (after so many near-misses which left me terrified of the thought of closely being taken) now that I have gone through the same bad tale over and over again; (I cannot deny that I enjoyed dipping my hands into different lives)
Finally, acceptance comes that my life is better off if I stick on my own.
From now on and in the months ahead, everyone who comes along will only be treated as a friend. Those who dare to cross the line (or the ones my sweet, sweet nature deceives, unluckily) will serve only as a fodder to my so-called twisted unromantic life.
We all begin with good intentLove was raw and youngWe believed that we could change
ourselvesThe past can be undoneBut we carry on our back, the
burdenTime always revealsIn the lonely light of morningIn the wound that would not healIt's the bitter taste of losing
everythingthat I've held so dear...Sarah Mclachlan, Fallen (Gabriel and Dresden Anti-Gravity Remix)
