I have a friend and his name is Pablo. We have known each other since my G4M days and he is one of the few selected people I still keep after leaving that website for good. Though our first meet-up was somewhat strained, we have eventually rebuilt our relationship to the point that we became close friends early last year. We only met twice but what keeps our bond strong is our constant text communication. Last month, he played an important role in my life by being a source of possible love affairs that I might entertain should I change my mind and open up.
And so there he was referring me to guys he met before. He would sometimes send a text message telling me how hot this guy is and then proceed to ask if I would want to meet this person as well. Knowing that the guy might have been a pasa-load (don't ask me what this means, I tell you the term is not pleasant) I would decline his offer. However one afternoon, he caught me off guard. I was restless and when he referred me to his friend who was also looking for a potential date, I grabbed Pablo's offer and engaged his referral right away.
Let us call this guy Peregrinus. If you are wondering how I came up with such code name, let's say it is his real name. Apparently, Pablo was so thrilled to play a matchmaker role that he gave away my Friendster to this new guy. I saw him checking my profile, which I locked recently after the breakup. However, Peregrinus' profile wasn't locked so I had a field day stalking him until I was satisfied with what I learned from his Friendster.
Peregrinus fit my standards. He was older, somewhat masculine, dark skinned, stocky and had a smile which charmed me. He included photos of his good-looking exes on his profile, which somehow put me on guard. I cannot compete with them. I was set to ignore my referral after having a tour of his profile. Unfortunately the call of boredom was so strong that I decided to text him anyway.
A day later, he replied to my second attempt to reach out. Our text affair started shortly after.
My new text mate was quite engaging. He caught my attention because of his sensibility and his apparent desire to change his old habits. You see, he was thrice experienced as I was and his bedside manners, which he proudly boasted during our chats were quite a challenge to match. He seemed to keep a naughty side that I was drawn to and despite our indirect flirting to each other, we ended up being close.
He was in the process of rehabilitation. Instead of seeking short-term affairs, Peregrinus was bent on getting serious with someone who can offer him a stable relationship. The tone of my voice - being formal and sensible - gave an impression that I was serious. He responded with much enthusiasm to my sweetness that he began calling me Sunshine a week after our engagement started.
Despite our interesting and provocative message exchanges, it was never my intention to meet him. Something tells me that I was not ready and I might just bore him when we decide to see face to face. One evening I decided to call him so we can hear each other's voice. It lead to a night-long phone conversation where I got to know him beyond the things he said in SMS. What I learned however lead to a wane in interest. Our differences were significant that it would be impossible to see each other eye to eye. The contrast in traits did not stop him from seeking me further. As his feelings strengthened, mine slowly faded away. The growing rift was subtle at the beginning, until Mister Throatie intervened and widened the gap that would set the two of us permanently apart.
---
The week-long bout with sickness cut my connection to everyone including Peregrinus. Though he made some huge efforts to keep our ties open, I was already slipping away. I cannot keep him as a friend knowing that our objective was to appraise each other for a possible relationship. Lines were never crossed unlike with Tannis, but beneath the conversations lie undeniable romantic undertones that began to strain our friendship. I would like to tell Pablo what was happening, but knowing that he just achieved an all-time high with his budding relationship, I felt that I had to deal Peregrinus the way I dealt with others before.
A week before December arrived, I stopped responding to his text messages. I just had to pull the plug knowing that his feelings were getting stronger, while mine had become non-existent. It was a harsh choice that I need to do, for I know that we will never get anywhere. I would just disappoint him in the end.
Looking at how things are going, it seems like I am still applying my disengagement policy which I followed when I was still taken. It was meant to keep myself from getting attached whenever I cross the lines with someone. This time, the policy was meant to keep myself from being romantically involved with people I cannot love. As the trend goes, the more I am getting used to being single, the more elusive I become.
Still, the memory of Phanks remains a wound that seem to be getting worse as time passes. I think of him almost all the time. His thoughts drown me when I was burning with fever and chilling under the sheets. I remember his nakedness whenever the urge to impale someone assaults my senses and I dread his presence whenever he invades my sleep. By now it is clear that what remains are the painful recollections. Much as I would like to move on and start all over again, remembering him and what we have become puts all my desire to explore a new life with someone at the edge of my aspirations.
As I contemplate the events that happened in the month of Chrysanthemum - the flirtatious advances I did to a stranger inside an FX going to Megamall only to dump him the moment we arrived at our destination; the month-long absence in the dance clubs of Malate; the cyber-pact of celibacy with Odin; the no ordinary morning with the Soulkeeper and the disappointing ending with Peregrinus, I am in for a very long sleep.
The Citadel was able to provide solace behind its thick walls, but now that nothing seems to sustain my interest anymore, it is best to completely suspend my longings for affection and embrace the coldness that permeate deep inside my aching chest. Perhaps, in my slumber, I will find the means to heal my brokenness.
And maybe, after hearing songs and lullabies about love in my dreams, waking up will be a breeze and starting all over again will be like a pleasant stroll in the fields.
And so there he was referring me to guys he met before. He would sometimes send a text message telling me how hot this guy is and then proceed to ask if I would want to meet this person as well. Knowing that the guy might have been a pasa-load (don't ask me what this means, I tell you the term is not pleasant) I would decline his offer. However one afternoon, he caught me off guard. I was restless and when he referred me to his friend who was also looking for a potential date, I grabbed Pablo's offer and engaged his referral right away.
Let us call this guy Peregrinus. If you are wondering how I came up with such code name, let's say it is his real name. Apparently, Pablo was so thrilled to play a matchmaker role that he gave away my Friendster to this new guy. I saw him checking my profile, which I locked recently after the breakup. However, Peregrinus' profile wasn't locked so I had a field day stalking him until I was satisfied with what I learned from his Friendster.
Peregrinus fit my standards. He was older, somewhat masculine, dark skinned, stocky and had a smile which charmed me. He included photos of his good-looking exes on his profile, which somehow put me on guard. I cannot compete with them. I was set to ignore my referral after having a tour of his profile. Unfortunately the call of boredom was so strong that I decided to text him anyway.
A day later, he replied to my second attempt to reach out. Our text affair started shortly after.
My new text mate was quite engaging. He caught my attention because of his sensibility and his apparent desire to change his old habits. You see, he was thrice experienced as I was and his bedside manners, which he proudly boasted during our chats were quite a challenge to match. He seemed to keep a naughty side that I was drawn to and despite our indirect flirting to each other, we ended up being close.
He was in the process of rehabilitation. Instead of seeking short-term affairs, Peregrinus was bent on getting serious with someone who can offer him a stable relationship. The tone of my voice - being formal and sensible - gave an impression that I was serious. He responded with much enthusiasm to my sweetness that he began calling me Sunshine a week after our engagement started.
Despite our interesting and provocative message exchanges, it was never my intention to meet him. Something tells me that I was not ready and I might just bore him when we decide to see face to face. One evening I decided to call him so we can hear each other's voice. It lead to a night-long phone conversation where I got to know him beyond the things he said in SMS. What I learned however lead to a wane in interest. Our differences were significant that it would be impossible to see each other eye to eye. The contrast in traits did not stop him from seeking me further. As his feelings strengthened, mine slowly faded away. The growing rift was subtle at the beginning, until Mister Throatie intervened and widened the gap that would set the two of us permanently apart.
---
The week-long bout with sickness cut my connection to everyone including Peregrinus. Though he made some huge efforts to keep our ties open, I was already slipping away. I cannot keep him as a friend knowing that our objective was to appraise each other for a possible relationship. Lines were never crossed unlike with Tannis, but beneath the conversations lie undeniable romantic undertones that began to strain our friendship. I would like to tell Pablo what was happening, but knowing that he just achieved an all-time high with his budding relationship, I felt that I had to deal Peregrinus the way I dealt with others before.
A week before December arrived, I stopped responding to his text messages. I just had to pull the plug knowing that his feelings were getting stronger, while mine had become non-existent. It was a harsh choice that I need to do, for I know that we will never get anywhere. I would just disappoint him in the end.
Looking at how things are going, it seems like I am still applying my disengagement policy which I followed when I was still taken. It was meant to keep myself from getting attached whenever I cross the lines with someone. This time, the policy was meant to keep myself from being romantically involved with people I cannot love. As the trend goes, the more I am getting used to being single, the more elusive I become.
Still, the memory of Phanks remains a wound that seem to be getting worse as time passes. I think of him almost all the time. His thoughts drown me when I was burning with fever and chilling under the sheets. I remember his nakedness whenever the urge to impale someone assaults my senses and I dread his presence whenever he invades my sleep. By now it is clear that what remains are the painful recollections. Much as I would like to move on and start all over again, remembering him and what we have become puts all my desire to explore a new life with someone at the edge of my aspirations.
As I contemplate the events that happened in the month of Chrysanthemum - the flirtatious advances I did to a stranger inside an FX going to Megamall only to dump him the moment we arrived at our destination; the month-long absence in the dance clubs of Malate; the cyber-pact of celibacy with Odin; the no ordinary morning with the Soulkeeper and the disappointing ending with Peregrinus, I am in for a very long sleep.
The Citadel was able to provide solace behind its thick walls, but now that nothing seems to sustain my interest anymore, it is best to completely suspend my longings for affection and embrace the coldness that permeate deep inside my aching chest. Perhaps, in my slumber, I will find the means to heal my brokenness.
And maybe, after hearing songs and lullabies about love in my dreams, waking up will be a breeze and starting all over again will be like a pleasant stroll in the fields.
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