The Return

We learn from experience that a very tipsy person has the same chances of swaggering at the middle of the road and making a detour to the sleaziest of places when left to survive on his own devices. It happened to several friends I "nursed" before. They all arrived safe after dropping them off in front of their gates. Since I am as human as the ones I looked after in their most precarious state, the swinging towards the middle of nowhere can also happen to me.

The week that passed has been a turn-over for everything: The turn-over of gifts to friends, family and relatives; the turn-over of romantic emotions from the past to the present; and who would have thought, a person I turned-over a couple of months ago would have a surprise comeback after meeting him face to face in the same spot before.

And so there was I, drunk, after downing seven bottles of beer at a party. I left the company of revelers when I learned that they would stay at a nearby coffee shop instead of heading to their homes. They were inviting me to join, but I said that I could not stay. I was worried that I might disgorge in front of the guys who call me supremo, or I might do something crazy which I might regret when I get sober.

I staggered pass several blocks of buildings and found my way in Ayala. I must say that it was difficult to keep oneself steady while trying to figure out how to get home. My god, I can't even remember how I was able to arrive at the Enterprise from Greenbelt. What more if I hail a taxi and not direct it to someplace else?

But experience tells that I have been to worse cases before. At Mami Athena's gathering early this year, we downed countless shots of Fundador while having Red Horse as our chaser. I had to throw up everything I ate just to pump out the alcohol from my tummy. On my way home, I had to ask the cab driver several times to drop me off so I could throw up in a corner before proceeding to our destination. When Centurion called for a drinking reunion together with my two "adopted" young lads last summer, I had to appear more sober than my kids even if I filled a toilet bowl with my sludge. I promised to bring them close to their places in Pasig even when I was the one needed to be accompanied home. This case was not so bad. However, I knew that I couldn't show up to my mom without appearing to obvious of my "fruity" smell. I had to get sober elsewhere or I might get grounded after twisting my excuses again.

I told the cab driver our destination. Malate.

Christmas Eve was almost upon us, and yet, Orosa was still teeming with nightlife. Except for a few tell-tale signs of sobriety, people are still geared to party. For someone bored and restless like me, a fewer crowd made no difference. I head towards Che'Lu to get re-acquainted with my home turf again.

However, just when I was about to pay for the entrance fee, I noticed that there were no people dancing on the floor. The place was literally "nilalangaw" which only meant that I couldn't do a full throttle no matter how adrenalin-inducing the house tracks were. With no other choice, I dragged my carcass on to the next bar which is O. At least, even if the dance floor is empty, the club's claustrophic layout would give an impression that there's still party in the house.

The night was still young and time was on my side. Mom wasn't looking for me, and my sister might be busy surfing the web using my computer again. My goal was to party as hard as I could to catch up from the two months of being absent in the circuit. It was also my way of flushing out the alcohol before it settles down in my head. Flirting was never an option since I could not distinguish a guy from another. Everyone just wanted to have a dance partner and it never occurred to me that I wanted it too...

...That was until I saw him leaning in one of the stainless steel beams near the bathroom while smiling at me.

"Oye nandito ka pala!" I said to him with a slurry voice.

"Honga eh, medyo malungkot kasi sa bahay." He answered in a somber tone while trying to conceal his awkwardness at our chance encounter.

"Galing ako sa party. Chill muna dito bago umuwi ng bahay."

"Honga eh, pansin ko lasing ka na..." He was obviously alone - and looking for company.

Forgive me for being highly sensitive to signs and omens, but to see him there - after vowing never to return to that place when I ditched him a few months back must be something serendipitous. As far as I can remember, I sought cosmic intervention for him to stay, only to push him away when I discovered that he wasn't the one I am looking for. The heavens must be pulling the strings, and at that moment I wasn't so sure if resisting our fate was a good alternative.

So I went along and tried to dance as God played his favorite house tracks.

Thrice I took a leak at O-Bar's cramp, but well-lit bathroom. Thrice when I returned to the dance floor, I still find him there, standing, alone and perhaps waiting for me. His gesture was gentlemanly - whether he meant it or not - and to return the favor, I stuck by his side to make him feel that he was never alone that night.

Looking back, I should be ashamed to be in his proximity when I had been cruel from the very start. When I sensed his intrusion the first time we got close, I had to pull back by ignoring his text messages and date invitations. I blocked his Yahoo Messenger so he will not see me online. Literally, I disconnected myself to spare him from all the hurt that I might bring and yet there he was, keeping me steady while the world around swirled in a dizzying frenzy.

"I am glad it was you who found me." I blurted out while my eyes were on the verge of shutting down.

I don't recall his answer. But I remember putting my head on his shoulder while he wrapped his arms around my waist.

"I'm about to leave, would you mind if I invite you home."

"Sure!!" I felt his mood lightened up.

I took it as a cue to pick my bag and leave the place less than an hour after I arrived. After all, I would rather entrust myself to someone I already know, than take the risk and get involved with a stranger I just met.

Che'lu will always be my bar of choice but in the two occasions I hit O-Bar alone, I left the place with my life drastically changed.

My first visit lead to a one night stand with a young lawyer.

A day later, I was emancipated from a forbidden attachment. A week later, I broke up with my partner.

The last lead to an intimate but non-orgasmic sleep-over. I woke up the following morning cuddling a human and not drooling on a fluffy pillow.

Uncertain of our future, it was Tannis who I found.

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Afternoon passed on and I prayed for his return.

At past 3, I started losing hope.

Maybe I wrote the wrong number. Perhaps he lost the card on his way home. I also cannot rule out the possibility that every word he said and every gesture he did that night was a result of his longing. He was merely lonely and when I filled out his void, my presence suddenly became irrelevant.

Another Moment In Paradise, October 20, 2008

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