Metrowalk, Ortigas.
The months went by without the group seeing each other for a round of drinking and bonding. The Outsiders has been around since I turned PLU more than six years ago. Last Saturday was the first time they saw me single, after years of being in a relationship they have come to reject.
Among my barkada in the Odders, it is with Dodong I always confide my situation. That night, he had a news for me.
"Uy may tsismis ako sayo."
"Ano yun kapatid?" I was still beaming a smile knowing I had to share good things that night.
"Alam mo si Phanks, nag message sa aking sa Friendster."
Suddenly, it was like a cold gust of wind hit my face. Almost unconsciously, I grabbed a stick of yosi from a pack lying on the table.
"Ano sabi?"
"Gets mo na yun... Nagkaroon nga ako ng dilemma kung ire-relay ko sayo yung message o hindi eh."
"Ummm, can you give me some details?" The good vibes I bought at the reunion was no more, in its place was a feeling of dread and distraught upon knowing he still makes apparitions.
"Gusto niya makipagbalikan sayo."
During the early weeks of the break-up a lot of people speculated that a reconciliation is inevitable. After all, who would let a five-year relationship go to waste as easy as what I did. However, time has come when I realize that everything is going down the drain. The laptop, which I am still paying up to now was the catalyst that lead to our end. As the months go by knowing that I bleed for something that can never be mine, the more I resent whatever relationship I had in the past.
And lately, I feel like I'm in a crucible: The constant flashbacks of what I have been through resist all the burning desire to move on and start all over again. The chemical reaction melts me at some boiling point, only to harden again when a bad memory leaves me unfazed with any real chemical reaction.
"So anong sabi mo?"
"Hindi ako nagreply. Nakaka-bad trip nga eh, inaccept ko yung invitation niya, yun pala eh ganon lang ang balak niya sa akin."
"Kelan nangyari to?" I asked while lighting my second stick of cigarette.
"Mga two weeks ago."
At one point of the healing process, I told someone that the only time I'd be able to move on and have a sense of closure is when I learn that he found someone new. I would be assured that there's no need for me anymore and what we had will be under the bridge for him.
The news Dodong bought suddenly reminded me of an ex's confession the night we finally had a closure.
Raizen complained that in six months we've been together, I spoiled him so much that the ones who came after was no match to my feat. While I was steadily building my bonds with Phanks, there he was jumping from one failed gay relationship to another until he got tired of the cycle and moved on to another country to find work.
The last time I checked his Friendster account, he was with another man in his main profile. I presume that he is his new boyfriend.
Despite what Phanks had done to me - the heartaches, the emotional hostage takings, and all the times I felt I was taken for granted and used for his own advancement - my sincerest desire is for him to find another guy who could at least give him solace in this time of sadness. It is enough that I continue to suffer the trauma, but I will never find peace so long as the thoughts of his sudden return continues to haunt me.
Dodong may not be aware of it but the moment he ignored Phanks' request for intervention, he shielded me from all the emotional turmoil that I will have to face if the ex makes a very rude comeback. That night, my friends and I talked about the breakup and how I am barely coping up with my new-found singlehood. They had their thoughts and hesitations, but like all others who witnessed how my dream-like love story went into a spiral downfall, they were relieved that it's all over.
That I am finally free.
The months went by without the group seeing each other for a round of drinking and bonding. The Outsiders has been around since I turned PLU more than six years ago. Last Saturday was the first time they saw me single, after years of being in a relationship they have come to reject.
Among my barkada in the Odders, it is with Dodong I always confide my situation. That night, he had a news for me.
"Uy may tsismis ako sayo."
"Ano yun kapatid?" I was still beaming a smile knowing I had to share good things that night.
"Alam mo si Phanks, nag message sa aking sa Friendster."
Suddenly, it was like a cold gust of wind hit my face. Almost unconsciously, I grabbed a stick of yosi from a pack lying on the table.
"Ano sabi?"
"Gets mo na yun... Nagkaroon nga ako ng dilemma kung ire-relay ko sayo yung message o hindi eh."
"Ummm, can you give me some details?" The good vibes I bought at the reunion was no more, in its place was a feeling of dread and distraught upon knowing he still makes apparitions.
"Gusto niya makipagbalikan sayo."
During the early weeks of the break-up a lot of people speculated that a reconciliation is inevitable. After all, who would let a five-year relationship go to waste as easy as what I did. However, time has come when I realize that everything is going down the drain. The laptop, which I am still paying up to now was the catalyst that lead to our end. As the months go by knowing that I bleed for something that can never be mine, the more I resent whatever relationship I had in the past.
And lately, I feel like I'm in a crucible: The constant flashbacks of what I have been through resist all the burning desire to move on and start all over again. The chemical reaction melts me at some boiling point, only to harden again when a bad memory leaves me unfazed with any real chemical reaction.
"So anong sabi mo?"
"Hindi ako nagreply. Nakaka-bad trip nga eh, inaccept ko yung invitation niya, yun pala eh ganon lang ang balak niya sa akin."
"Kelan nangyari to?" I asked while lighting my second stick of cigarette.
"Mga two weeks ago."
At one point of the healing process, I told someone that the only time I'd be able to move on and have a sense of closure is when I learn that he found someone new. I would be assured that there's no need for me anymore and what we had will be under the bridge for him.
The news Dodong bought suddenly reminded me of an ex's confession the night we finally had a closure.
Raizen complained that in six months we've been together, I spoiled him so much that the ones who came after was no match to my feat. While I was steadily building my bonds with Phanks, there he was jumping from one failed gay relationship to another until he got tired of the cycle and moved on to another country to find work.
The last time I checked his Friendster account, he was with another man in his main profile. I presume that he is his new boyfriend.
Despite what Phanks had done to me - the heartaches, the emotional hostage takings, and all the times I felt I was taken for granted and used for his own advancement - my sincerest desire is for him to find another guy who could at least give him solace in this time of sadness. It is enough that I continue to suffer the trauma, but I will never find peace so long as the thoughts of his sudden return continues to haunt me.
Dodong may not be aware of it but the moment he ignored Phanks' request for intervention, he shielded me from all the emotional turmoil that I will have to face if the ex makes a very rude comeback. That night, my friends and I talked about the breakup and how I am barely coping up with my new-found singlehood. They had their thoughts and hesitations, but like all others who witnessed how my dream-like love story went into a spiral downfall, they were relieved that it's all over.
That I am finally free.
No comments:
Post a Comment