You can sound the war drums all you want,
but you cannot deny that you are still at peace.
--
If there is nothing that I could say
Turn your back and you just walk away
Leaves me numb inside I think of you
Together is all I knew
- Chicane, No Ordinary Morning
---
I.
It is already dawn.
Anytime now, the sun will rise in the east turning the starless black sky into diffused blue. I'm lying on a big bed, in a suite inside Shangri-la Edsa Plaza Hotel. The air is humid enough to produce tiny beads of sweat on my chest, but the room remains a sight to behold. A Dresser made of wood, painted in white, and stood in a corner beside the curtained wall-to-ceiling glass sliding door gives an impression of opulence. The floor is fully carpeted in beige, and the soft bed, where my weary body rests under the thick sheets is big enough for three people to sleep on. The furniture around me are stuffs of fantasy I only see in my daydreams. In closing my eyes, all I could hear is the song No Ordinary Morning playing over and over inside my head.
Beside me is him, the guy I danced at Government the night before. We are both dressed-down to our boxers. Nothing has happened yet, since he is sleeping next to me. I remember when we arrived last night, he was swinging inside the room when he suddenly dropped face-down on the bed. Meanwhile here I am, still trying to catch some sleep. Perhaps waiting for things to happen has kept me awake all night. Had I not instructed myself to behave, my aggressiveness would have lead to an intimate act between us.
But my presence beside him is beyond my values. I would rather let him call the shots when he wakes up.
II.
The scene inside the room is almost like a dream. There I am rolling over and over in bed while my companion is on a faraway journey in his sleep. All night, he snored so loud, it defeated my attempts to follow his lucid wanderings. Accepting surrender, I content myself wrapping my arms around his waist while occasionally stroking his chest and forehead in which he reacts with a soft whimper.
I could have done more by pulling down his boxers and doing the deed without his consent or kissing his lips hoping he would respond in kind. But I choose to let him have his peace. After all, I think my invitation comes from his need to have a companion; someone who would make him feel secure in a place far away from home. Sex, is just an extra perk. I could leave the place still happy without getting it from him. Choosing me among the hundreds of better-looking boys on the dance floor to keep him company is enough.
Values almost had me decline his offer. Being taken has its limitations and being at the club alone is already a breach of my fidelity. What more if I dive in someone else's bed? But last night, guilt never came to me. After spending all these years being a slave to... I deserve to express this subdued side of mine. To be invited to stay in someone's plush hotel room has never happened before. No other man has ever offered me such opportunity in life.
Not even my one.
III.
After waiting for almost an eternity, he finally stirs from sleep. Bare-chested, he suddenly leaps out of bed, rushing to arrange his things in order before his colleagues knock on the door. I asked if I have to dress up and leave. He never said a word. Instead, he stared at me with his chinky eyes and I went back to hugging him like my childhood superhero. His fair-skinned leanness aroused my sleeping demons and it begin to consume him as well. Soon, he puts his arms around my head and started guiding me down...
...down to the spot that would trigger the deed.
Everything is over in fifteen minutes, and like the entire experience, it was something out of the ordinary. As it turned out, he was far more aggressive and dominant than what impressions suggested on the dance floor. He thought I was a top but when I allowed him to enter me without any resistance, it lead to a union bound to be broken after the daydream is over.
IV.
I was about to leave the room when I thought of showing him the contents of my pockets. Puzzled at the gesture, he asked why. I told him that since I am just a guest who slept over, it is good manners to let the host inspect the things I might be taking out of the room. This small act of honesty, which he appreciated leads to an opening up between us. Conversation about ourselves deepen as we reveal our lives to each another.
Soon, he was telling me he has a girlfriend. I did not bother asking how he is able to swing both ways without his beau being suspicious of his activities. His revelations is enough. He confirms my suspicion that he's a physician attending a conference in Manila. He also confesses that he is far older than what I assumed.
His face and physique however, reveals a younger person.
He asked what my plans are for the future. I said that I am still in the process of figuring it out. Then he bombards me with a difficult question about my life - if I am happy with it - to which I said I am. However he was able to see beyond the disguise and answered that I appear not. He then proceeds in telling his impression about me; that I am someone who dwells in sadness, gives too much effort on the dramatics and avoids being in the limelight. He told me that I am not happy and it shows, no matter how I try to conceal it.
I smiled as he say his impressions, but deep inside, the mask I put on my face is slowly melting.
For what he said is true.
He told me that the reason why he looks so young for his age of 40 is the fact that he thinks like a 13 year old. He thinks highly of himself that his mere suggestion of being handsome and appealing left me nodding in front of him. He said that his secret in life is to be happy, no matter how many troubles come his way.
"Happiness is what makes a person shine. Having a positive outlook in life makes a person feel better about himself."
V.
We talked about different subjects throughout our hour-long conversation. He described his job and the patients he attend to. "Some of them are on the verge of their deaths, but you will be impressed at how they struggle to live - even just a little longer." Our conversation is turning more profound every minute that I begin to see him as an old sage, who, after shagging me that morning, freely gives his wisdom in return.
He took my hand and bought me near the glass sliding door. Pointing his finger at a bunch of trees downstairs, he secluded the lone Fire Tree near the edge of the pool. "The reason why the Fire Tree stands out among the other trees is because it blooms with life." He grips my arm to get my attention. "Have you noticed, it is the only tree that is blooming with colorful flowers." He then connected happiness, with blooming and with life, which, when I'm recalling right now, seems to have no connection at all.
VI.
His last words are, "a happy person can appreciate such little difference like the beautiful fire tree and the rest of the ordinary trees around it. However, only a euphoric person would appreciate those ordinary trees, more than the flowering fire tree itself."
I find his metaphors too difficult to comprehend. However, when he ends his piece with
"euphoric people are too happy, they find deep beauty even with the most ordinary things."
I understood his point.
While talking about the fire trees and happiness, he reached for his mobile phone to get my number. I told him that my battery died earlier and I would just write down his number instead. Scribbling it down on a piece of paper, my plans were already formed inside my head.
Tomorrow, he will return to the south since he lives there all his life. With his number safely tucked inside my wallet, I am in constant turmoil whether to text him or not - just to say goodbye.
Looking at his beautiful face for the last time, it dawned to me that our lives are meant to end this way. Our one night stand is a daydream moment and I want it to end that way - no matter how I would long to hear from him before he goes back home.
I just have to learn to be happy that such moment with him ever happened...
So I hugged him tight and told him how much I enjoyed his company. This time, his coldness and distant attitude he showed when he woke up is replaced by a receptive accommodation. We never kissed, yet in our moment of parting, I felt his soul closest to me.
I just hope that while deep in slumber he felt mine closest to him while the song No Ordinary Morning plays on and on in my head.
but you cannot deny that you are still at peace.
--
If there is nothing that I could say
Turn your back and you just walk away
Leaves me numb inside I think of you
Together is all I knew
- Chicane, No Ordinary Morning
---
I.
It is already dawn.
Anytime now, the sun will rise in the east turning the starless black sky into diffused blue. I'm lying on a big bed, in a suite inside Shangri-la Edsa Plaza Hotel. The air is humid enough to produce tiny beads of sweat on my chest, but the room remains a sight to behold. A Dresser made of wood, painted in white, and stood in a corner beside the curtained wall-to-ceiling glass sliding door gives an impression of opulence. The floor is fully carpeted in beige, and the soft bed, where my weary body rests under the thick sheets is big enough for three people to sleep on. The furniture around me are stuffs of fantasy I only see in my daydreams. In closing my eyes, all I could hear is the song No Ordinary Morning playing over and over inside my head.
Beside me is him, the guy I danced at Government the night before. We are both dressed-down to our boxers. Nothing has happened yet, since he is sleeping next to me. I remember when we arrived last night, he was swinging inside the room when he suddenly dropped face-down on the bed. Meanwhile here I am, still trying to catch some sleep. Perhaps waiting for things to happen has kept me awake all night. Had I not instructed myself to behave, my aggressiveness would have lead to an intimate act between us.
But my presence beside him is beyond my values. I would rather let him call the shots when he wakes up.
II.
The scene inside the room is almost like a dream. There I am rolling over and over in bed while my companion is on a faraway journey in his sleep. All night, he snored so loud, it defeated my attempts to follow his lucid wanderings. Accepting surrender, I content myself wrapping my arms around his waist while occasionally stroking his chest and forehead in which he reacts with a soft whimper.
I could have done more by pulling down his boxers and doing the deed without his consent or kissing his lips hoping he would respond in kind. But I choose to let him have his peace. After all, I think my invitation comes from his need to have a companion; someone who would make him feel secure in a place far away from home. Sex, is just an extra perk. I could leave the place still happy without getting it from him. Choosing me among the hundreds of better-looking boys on the dance floor to keep him company is enough.
Values almost had me decline his offer. Being taken has its limitations and being at the club alone is already a breach of my fidelity. What more if I dive in someone else's bed? But last night, guilt never came to me. After spending all these years being a slave to... I deserve to express this subdued side of mine. To be invited to stay in someone's plush hotel room has never happened before. No other man has ever offered me such opportunity in life.
Not even my one.
III.
After waiting for almost an eternity, he finally stirs from sleep. Bare-chested, he suddenly leaps out of bed, rushing to arrange his things in order before his colleagues knock on the door. I asked if I have to dress up and leave. He never said a word. Instead, he stared at me with his chinky eyes and I went back to hugging him like my childhood superhero. His fair-skinned leanness aroused my sleeping demons and it begin to consume him as well. Soon, he puts his arms around my head and started guiding me down...
...down to the spot that would trigger the deed.
Everything is over in fifteen minutes, and like the entire experience, it was something out of the ordinary. As it turned out, he was far more aggressive and dominant than what impressions suggested on the dance floor. He thought I was a top but when I allowed him to enter me without any resistance, it lead to a union bound to be broken after the daydream is over.
IV.
I was about to leave the room when I thought of showing him the contents of my pockets. Puzzled at the gesture, he asked why. I told him that since I am just a guest who slept over, it is good manners to let the host inspect the things I might be taking out of the room. This small act of honesty, which he appreciated leads to an opening up between us. Conversation about ourselves deepen as we reveal our lives to each another.
Soon, he was telling me he has a girlfriend. I did not bother asking how he is able to swing both ways without his beau being suspicious of his activities. His revelations is enough. He confirms my suspicion that he's a physician attending a conference in Manila. He also confesses that he is far older than what I assumed.
His face and physique however, reveals a younger person.
He asked what my plans are for the future. I said that I am still in the process of figuring it out. Then he bombards me with a difficult question about my life - if I am happy with it - to which I said I am. However he was able to see beyond the disguise and answered that I appear not. He then proceeds in telling his impression about me; that I am someone who dwells in sadness, gives too much effort on the dramatics and avoids being in the limelight. He told me that I am not happy and it shows, no matter how I try to conceal it.
I smiled as he say his impressions, but deep inside, the mask I put on my face is slowly melting.
For what he said is true.
He told me that the reason why he looks so young for his age of 40 is the fact that he thinks like a 13 year old. He thinks highly of himself that his mere suggestion of being handsome and appealing left me nodding in front of him. He said that his secret in life is to be happy, no matter how many troubles come his way.
"Happiness is what makes a person shine. Having a positive outlook in life makes a person feel better about himself."
V.
We talked about different subjects throughout our hour-long conversation. He described his job and the patients he attend to. "Some of them are on the verge of their deaths, but you will be impressed at how they struggle to live - even just a little longer." Our conversation is turning more profound every minute that I begin to see him as an old sage, who, after shagging me that morning, freely gives his wisdom in return.
He took my hand and bought me near the glass sliding door. Pointing his finger at a bunch of trees downstairs, he secluded the lone Fire Tree near the edge of the pool. "The reason why the Fire Tree stands out among the other trees is because it blooms with life." He grips my arm to get my attention. "Have you noticed, it is the only tree that is blooming with colorful flowers." He then connected happiness, with blooming and with life, which, when I'm recalling right now, seems to have no connection at all.
VI.
His last words are, "a happy person can appreciate such little difference like the beautiful fire tree and the rest of the ordinary trees around it. However, only a euphoric person would appreciate those ordinary trees, more than the flowering fire tree itself."
I find his metaphors too difficult to comprehend. However, when he ends his piece with
"euphoric people are too happy, they find deep beauty even with the most ordinary things."
I understood his point.
While talking about the fire trees and happiness, he reached for his mobile phone to get my number. I told him that my battery died earlier and I would just write down his number instead. Scribbling it down on a piece of paper, my plans were already formed inside my head.
Tomorrow, he will return to the south since he lives there all his life. With his number safely tucked inside my wallet, I am in constant turmoil whether to text him or not - just to say goodbye.
Looking at his beautiful face for the last time, it dawned to me that our lives are meant to end this way. Our one night stand is a daydream moment and I want it to end that way - no matter how I would long to hear from him before he goes back home.
I just have to learn to be happy that such moment with him ever happened...
So I hugged him tight and told him how much I enjoyed his company. This time, his coldness and distant attitude he showed when he woke up is replaced by a receptive accommodation. We never kissed, yet in our moment of parting, I felt his soul closest to me.
I just hope that while deep in slumber he felt mine closest to him while the song No Ordinary Morning plays on and on in my head.
---
And His Name Was Euphoria
May 8, 2006
Odinhood-Mugenblue Pact still applies
No comments:
Post a Comment