A sudden emo-moment with a friend revealed some obvious truths about my state of romantic affairs lately.
"Believe me, sometimes I am tired of singlehood pero knowing my own cycle and my own past, I would never give up my freedom that easily. Good for you."
The reply was a comment about his status with this guy he met in blogsphere. Despite the bumps and turbulence that came along, they are still dating and getting to know each other deeper. I compared my situation with his - and with other friends whose love lives appear more steady than mine. It seems that somewhere along the way, I just lost the spirit. And now that I could always find another, here I am calling all the demons I could conjure just to play the love game with the past in mind.
A friend who left his boyfriend just a few months ago is dating someone new. I may see his efforts merely as an experiment, but no one - including me - has the right to question what his heart speaks. Another friend who was dating someone recently suddenly realized their incompatibilities. Now he is bolting out and on his way to another path where freedom is assured. Others may not understand what he is going through but looking back at how I deceived some people's hearts early this year, the reason for his disappearance remains justified. Another friend, who I am bumping lately in the dance clubs of Malate (with his partner along) has rediscovered his soulmate. After a month of sowing confusion in the worlds we share, there he was (casting my gaze at them from a distance) in the arms of his lover again. Finally, there is the leader, who, after so many, many years of waiting is now on the verge of finding his one. I cannot say how his story ends but I am confident that the one he is looking for is just around the corner.
In my head, I am on a crusade to get as many guys in my circle acquainted with each other. Most do not work but I remain hopeful that my goodwill (and connections) will lead them to the person they seek. I know one would be tempted to ask why make such an effort when I ignore the very thing that I should be doing right now. Friends say that I should be the one taking risk instead of passing it on to others who can certainly do it on their own.
The answer, unfortunately, remains as elusive as it has always been since I started playing the matchmaker ten months ago.
Torn between what I secretly desire and what my head has been pushing me to abandon, I created another account in a gay dating (hook-up) site a few days ago. My intention is to look around, check if there are interesting people out there and challenge myself to never fall into temptation of sleeping in one bed with another person. History reveals that the person I sleep with often suffer from amnesia after the screwing is over.
The invites just keep on coming.
Unable to make use of such inconvenience, (getting laid remains in the bottom of my list) I decided to inch towards deleting my entire account when I received a direct message from someone a few hours ago.
"im [an] avid (silent) reader of your blog bro...continue writing... :)"
His kind words had lifted the veil caused by the catastrophic meet-up last Friday. The healing allowed me to pull my act together just enough to recover the bullish outlook I was enjoying just a few weeks ago. Though it may take some time to ignite the fire doused from me, my presence in the dating website has never been this clear thanks to that silent reader for pulling me up just when I was about to come crashing down.
The place is packed with so many good-looking men,
so good-looking, it will take some real balls
just to make contact with them.
Now I know what I want
and it is best to remain
beyond their worlds.
Leaving everything behind, I left a shout-out message
encapsulating my desires to avoid hurting others
and evading others from hurting me.
"A lone satellite bound to sail the endlessness of space."
A few hours later, the account was no more.
