Monday, August 3, 2009

Thirty One Days Of Kindness V1.0

There comes a time in one's life when one begins to question his actions toward those around him. Some would call such brief moments of reflection soul searching, while others claim it as their quest for inner peace. I see such noble move as one's attempt at self-preservation. As to what that person desires to preserve, my guess would be his values. For these values he keeps define his identity, a slight and yet clear demarcation from it might become the beginnings of one's own self-destruction.

---

I have been in such a state of gracelessness several times before.

The first that I remember was in college. I was a freshman then, uninstructed to the norms of kids of my age, and for someone who lived a simple and geeky existence during his high school years, the fast life I have seen inside the university triggered a sense of insecurity in me.

I knew the notoriety of my backwardness. While my peers spent their time searching for ways to complicate their existence, (so that the other kids would find them "cool") My quest was to imitate their "coolness" in hopes that my new-found sophistication would change my peers' feeble impressions on me. I found their life too unfamiliar and as a result, I was still lagging behind. I do not know what my peers really thought then, but deep inside I was paranoid.

Who would have thought that a life in transition (which only found completion after I learned that I am not straight) would be so chaotic.

There were many other episodes where I had to confront my demons face to face. Some were already defeated, but others still reappear especially at times when I am searching for new grounds to cover. They are like shards of glass, which, despite my best efforts to pull them out remain embedded deep within. It is like flipping over until one gets nauseated. Catatonic that person may be, a snap of one's finger results to an epiphany.

If only epiphanies take place immediately after one goes into slump.

---

There are things I wanted to confess that I have not yet written in the blog. Like those who have shunned me before, I have begun a nasty campaign of ignoring people left and right merely because they failed my standards. If the approach was for friendship, such outright rejection would never take place.

But when lines are crossed and sexual talk blends in conversations, expectations bear a heavy weight on how the game is played.

A guy who claims to have a Japanese blood coursing through his veins used to be a chat mate last week. Things were doing well and despite his tendencies to get wasted at parties, the things that we share in common made him a potential prospect. Unfortunately, a trade of photos revealed my immediate repulsion. Considerations were made to keep him for friendship but since my hands are full and friends already abound, I decided to cut my ties for I want nothing to do with him anymore.

Especially when he insisted that I do a sleep over at his place despite my suggestion to meet in a neutral ground.

At the home front, shunning was also my preferred method of tormenting those I despised. A year later after my sibling resigned from work, she remains jobless and uninspired to find a new job. With dwindling finances, mounting bills and a sickly mother who still toils seven days a week, I put the blame solely on her. What made things worse was her ballooning debt owed to the sari-sari store next to our house. I would have ordered the store owner to keep my sister from getting items on credit but to do so would deprive her of a steady source of income which directly flows from our coffers.

The door that leads to my room was locked shut when I was not around. She was denied entry and the privilege of using my computer and TV was taken away from her. It was my strongest expression of disgust for what I see as a grave abuse of perks which the house cannot afford. Her sloppy nature was also openly criticized and had it not for some last-minute discretion, bitter words would have massacred her self-worth.

I do not understand why I feel bad despite having justifications for my actions. I may not be aware but perhaps, I was merely channeling the frustrations and hate that broods within my battered self. People close to me must have felt it, but there were days when nothing could spark my interest anymore.

Unless it has something to do with the misfortunes of others.

Looking back, This wasn't me when the year has started. Katipunan used to be my sanctuary and Dominus used to be my spiritual machine. Little things delighted me and dark thoughts never really hovered over my consciousness.

But now.

---

Despite the things that I did and the distance I have placed between me and the Great Maker, good fortune still appears to be blowing my sails. Rare were the times I spoke to Him, and yet every little favors I sought, the Creator secures. We still are in a financial slump, but for reasons only providence could explain, the house never had to ration its resources.

At work, recognitions were bestowed despite my online distractions which keeps me from doing my job. More and more colleagues recognize my authority and despite the conflicts I expected with several people on the floor at the start of my duty, support and admiration even comes from their direction.

I would have never asked for more.

There are so many things that I should be thankful for but with the fast life I seem to live, I do not know what road to turn. Torn between my destructive leanings and the fondest memory of those blissful days when harmony used to be within reach, I came up with a decision which would even out the freebies I still receive.

Consider it a payback.

For the whole month of August, I shall, in my best capacity to relive the days when little things afforded me of happiness. I shall take the righteous path and keep my lust and pretensions at bay. I will try not to hurt others and not take revenge on those I deeply despised. I shall accord everyone my compassion, despite acknowledging my ever-reclusive nature.

I may not live the days when Dominus used to be my dominant personality but in consciousness, I shall follow his virtue. For these are the days of reconstruction and for a change, I shall get out of my cycle and take a peek at what lies beyond.

The confidant who accompanied me in my soul-searching in the mountains may not be aware of its true purpose, but beyond the reunion between good friends and the difficult decision to spare myself from the cheap thrills afforded by some carnal indulgence, it was a return to my elemental fondness for life.

Through the songs of the crickets, the humming of the wind, the fresh scent of grass wafting under my nose; Through the wistful clouds marching above my head and the sunbeams suspending their light over a green spot of land, these scenes convey one thing and one thing alone:

The time of peace is upon me. More than my attempts in the past months, I shall seek my direction hoping that this time, the path ahead would lead me back to the days when bliss used to be within my arm's reach.



Facing a dusty sun, the icy winds from the Sierra Madre mountains blow pass behind my ears, carrying with it lonely voices and stirring some ancient memories inside my head. On my right is the silhouette of Bataan - its towering mountain and the shimmering Manila Bay revealing themselves behind a thin veil of grey clouds. The pumpkin-orange sky changes its color to mauve blue as the city lights begin to flicker around me. From east to west and north to south, everything freezes for a second. The world suddenly becomes a palette of earth colors, as the hands of time move its finger down to another direction.

- The Infinity of The Moment
Fullmetal Dreams | March 23, 2004

9 comments:

Jinjiruks said...

naiiyak naman ako sa post na ito. peace of mind. yan ang hinahanap hanap ng tao ngayon. sana nga mahanap mo na kuya knox ang mga bagay na makakapag bigay ng kasiyahan at kapayapaan sa buhay!

red the mod said...

Very rarely are we afforded an opportunity to share ourselves with others. I am grateful to be one of the first benefactors of your renewed optimism in life. You told me before that we find faith when we allow our humanity to affect the lives of those around us.

I hope to find your faith renewed in the possibility of genuine love. Despite our trying times, and the sordid state of our existence, it remains a salve whose sweet hope lingers beyond the coldest of the evenings. When moonlight only serves to highlight the absence that haunts us, sharing ourselves validates the self-worth we often overlook for the carnal and the momentary.

My words are failing me now in an attempt to contemplate the weight you are burdened with. I can only offer humbly the words I wrote in one of your past entries. They may be worn and used, but I believe these words reverberate a message that still finds meaning in the present.





8:28pm 21 July 2009
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Then we return to reality, wipe the cloudedness from our eyes. Reinvigorated from our small tryst with the deep darkness of the skies, and the mesmerizing twinkle of the stars. Welcome back sir.

Pax Uranus (heavenly peace).

You came in peace. And it is this peace you also brought with you.

gillboard said...

anong nagbago? bakit nawala yung dating ikaw?

napapansin ko ngang medyo emo ka ngayon...

ika said...

i like this post. balanced but self-reflecting.

I can totally relate. I think there is an age factor here why we dwell on things we thought as inane before.

hold on.

Knox Galen said...

Jinjiruks: Tingnan natin kung kaya ko. Medyo may-na violate na ako sa mga rules ko eh.

Ika: Age matters. The more you get older, the more you can't afford to go in circles.

Knox Galen said...

Red: I do not know what to say. Something happened and this event would gravely affect my goals for August.

I just hope it would never become a crisis which I am trying to prevent right now.

Gillboard: Simula nung naging single ako, medyo nawalan ako ng direksyon.

rudeboy said...

I'm new to your blog, Knox, and until I read all your previous posts, I won't know where you're coming from.

Still, your post was reflective, and indicates somewhere else you want to go. Hopefully your epiphanies along the way will be positive.

"Nothing takes the past away
Like the future
Nothing makes the darkness go
Like the light"


Surely you know who wrote that. That album reflected a turning point in what had been her very shallow, very self-centered life.

Maybe YOUR album should start with "Thirty Days of Light."

Last song before I go:

"Isn't everyone just
Traveling down
Their own road
Watching the signs
As they go
I think I'll follow
My heart
It's a very good place
To start."


May your signs lead you to where you want to go.

bryz25 said...

joms...

3 words

life goes on.

agree... as you age, you become reflective. good for the soul.

Knox Galen said...

Rudeboy: I have to agree, that album was her turning point in her life. It gained her the immortality she deserves.

Pero kinailangan ko pa-igoogle ang lyrics mo ha?

Nothing really matters
love is all we need
everything I give you
all comes back to me.
:)

I don't know what path lies ahead, but thanks for finding my blog.

Bryz

Lets see where this reflection would lead me. Gandang hapon!