We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde
The monsoon downpour have began in earnest, leaving the empty streets damp and the frigid air with desolation. It is the final night of the Scorpion Week and after enduring seven days of cruel temptations, I hailed a cab for one last serving of a hedonist's ambrosia before I step down and abandon my quest.
---
The idea took shape on the raunchy steps of the ledge. Searching for a dance partner to get acquainted, I pulled every trick in the book to reach out and make friends. I know that the week ahead would be fought with solitude. The utol will be out of the house and having the free reign to follow my urges, skidding over a thin sheet of ice called lust has this dangerous appeal to me.
I left the bar empty handed that night. Gone are my plans that went up, like smoke puffed from a stick of cigarette. My idea was to meet someone, get intimate, and when the one night stand (or whatever form it manifests) create an atmosphere of passionate attachment, I would invite the guy home for a week-long sleep-over.
But things never turn out what visions see. Instead, I did skid over a thin sheet ice and at times, almost had me being swallowed by the sub-zero waters below. The cold callings of libog was everywhere and I would have been frozen stiff had it not for my stubborn belief that something warmer awaits me on the other side of the ice sheet.
---
People may ask why put so much drama on a natural act that means nothing to many. I've seen them. Same names; same titillating advertisement posted on sex channels in the internet. You read them say "Trip, trip lang." While the most seasoned ones would open their conversation not by friendly introductions but by cutting the chase and asking for your face-picture instead. At a hindsight, I can't help but feel pity for these men. Corrupted by a life revolving around physical looks. I could almost see them jumping from one bed, dripping still of fluids coming from their orifice, to another bed without any afterthought at how wasteful and draining it is to go around sleeping with different men.
In the end, they become a slave to their nature. Night and day, week after week, they scan the chatrooms and beyond for a quick fix to address their deeper longings. If declined, they move on without saying a word. If a partner gets attached, they flee and make sure not to leave a trace. They fear complications of emotions. They worry about being hurt and after so many orgasms and countless encounters, they end up getting jaded.
They begin to see everything as merely passing moments.
---
Friends say sex is just sex.
Its purpose, for pleasure, or for straight couples, to breathe new life into this world. Their claims are irrefutable but I found them deem incomplete in thought. Knowing its immensity and sophistication, sex can be a tool of self-destruction, a power which can twist one's hierarchy in his order or bring healing to some brokenness within. I've seen where its strength lies - it is in the union between two people bonded by a common desire to feel one another. It is when two people engaging in the act with boundless consummation does sex transcends what most people see it is.
The Scorpion Week presented two elemental choices for me: One is to ignore the sanctity I place in the act after deliberately breaking it a few weeks back, and second is to stand my ground despite the absolute convenience some situations have presented to win my earthly bidding.
As the past entries revealed, it was very easy to get laid.
But I chose to remain celibate
Out of fear that the more I look for it, the more it ties me into its cycle.
---
The month ends the way it all started. The orchestra may have changed its repertoire but the symphony played the same familiar tune I have grown to listening over and over again. There was an undeniable moment of bliss when my arms were over Jay R's body. Every waking moment with him was a secret wish he could stay longer in my bed. Being bound by another attachment, I am destined to remain a footnote in his story.
He stopped texting after the third time he stayed over at my place. And as history have shown its consistency, no man will ever become my significant other if we have never had orgasm thrice.
To overcome his permanent absence, I had to exercise the drill in hopes that it would shake off some lingering attachment. The drill was highly effective but as I found out soon enough, it would never contain my longing. I would go on searching until it dawned to me a few days ago that another month has come to an end.
June begins uncertain of how things will take shape. Overcoming temptations with determination to succeed is one thing, but doing it for the purpose of not losing against your own wager doesn't assure of a good ending.
---
The monsoon rains have already flooded the streets leaving a few drunk men standing near the gutter to wait for the murky waters to disappear. The early morning air may have a stench of beer wafting under someone's nostrils but it remains frigid and desolate despite the crowd gathered outside the bars of Orosa.
They may all look tired and exhausted, but one can see in their glimmering eyes the promise of a return in the coming weeks.
There are those who will nod at the thought that our existence revolves around sex, heartaches and parties: That affections and attachments are fleeting and permanence is an idea we are bound to throw away depending on its usefulness to further our goals.
At times, I would like to believe in such reality after seeing so many frustrations and experiencing so many heartaches (including mine) in the past seven years of my presence.
But to do so will take away the very thing which still makes this kind of life worth living.
---
A new moon lifts some blank pages for new stories to write. Catching my breath before trudging the unforeseen road in front of me, I close my eyes for one last look at the events that shaped the final weeks of summer.
Uncertain are the days that lie ahead.
All I know is that things will get better.I just know it will.
---
At first glance, one would think that they were a father-daughter pair. Reading their body language however reveals that they are in fact, a couple. Imagine the smile on my face as I took their picture without their knowledge.
It only proves that some pairings are still possible; that it doesn't always have to be the cutesy kind of couples that has become the hype in our mass media.
[photo taken while on my way to the gym.]
It only proves that some pairings are still possible; that it doesn't always have to be the cutesy kind of couples that has become the hype in our mass media.
[photo taken while on my way to the gym.]
10 comments:
I vividly remember about your "Three-Time" Rule on seeking a potential partner.
You really hold on to that one.
After reading this entry, you've earned my respect more.
Jake: It just happens. Ewan ko ba. If the act happened twice, the person already falls into the FUBU category.
Thanks dude.
and the photo is indeed, reminds me of a coming dawn.
--- --
as for sex is just sex, i bet the artist in you sees the way maria rainer rilke's do.
"Physical pleasure is a sensual experience no different from pure seeing or the pure sensation with which a fine fruit fills the tongue; it is a great unending experience, which is given us, a knowing of the world, the fullness and the glory of all knowing." -Letters to a Young Poet
"..artistic experience lies so incredibly close to that of sex, to its pain and its ecstasy, that the two manifestations are indeed but different forms of one and the same yearning and delight." -Letters to a Young Poet
"Sex is difficult; yes. But they are difficult things with which we have been charged; almost everything serious is difficult, and everything is serious. If you only recognize this and manage, out of yourself, out of your own nature and ways, out of your own experience and childhood and strength to achieve relation to sex wholly your own (not influenced by convention and custom), then you need no longer be afraid of losing yourself and becoming unworthy of your best possession." - Letters to a Young Poet
hindi sila mukhang magjowawa. swear. mukhang PLU yung uy eeee! hahaha. intrigera ako! oo! mwahahaha
@Knox- ganun ba yun pag FUBU? um. hindi ba pwedeng ..friends with benefits nalang? or it is too high school for you guys? HAHAHA
the first monthsary entry in your life's new chapter. congratulations, galen! =)
...Ito ang pinakagusto kong entry mo sa SCORPION WEEK. Astig!
...Meron palang 3-time rule.
..."While the most seasoned ones would open their conversation not by friendly introductions but by cutting the chase and asking for your face-picture instead"..
---- Ito ang mga taong sadsad ang EQ.
Galing. Sensual entry!
Bampira: Makes sense naman yung 3-time rule eh. Kapag may nangyari sa inyo sa ikatlong pagkakataon, ibig sabihin ay hinahanap-hanap niyo na ang isa't isa.
At dahil sa pagkasabi mo na sadsad ang EQ nila, medyo mas magiging lantaran ang pambuburaot ko kapag tinanong ako ng ganun sa muling maligaw ako sa chatroom.
John Stanley: Thank you parekoy.
Herbs: Friendship and sex are two entirely different matter. Sex partners are bound to be ditched away.
Call me old-fashioned but I don't believe in such thing as friends with benefits. Not yet. And the guys I had sex with, in the long run, nawawala rin yung contact namin.
Bihirang bihirang bihira lang yung mga nag-cross ng line na naging kaibigan ko pagkatapos.
Dabo: I'm not familiar with Maria Rainier Rilke, but I believe the sex is performance. I doesn't mean you need a mind-blowing lay to enjoy it all the time. Pero alam mo yun, the more it becomes sensual (imagine fucking someone and torridly kissing that person at the same time tapos yung mga bayo mo eh mabagal at malalim tapos close contact yung katawan niyo't nagpapalitan na kayo ng pawis) God, the passion in the act makes it already an art.
"Pero alam mo yun, the more it becomes sensual (imagine fucking someone and torridly kissing that person at the same time tapos yung mga bayo mo eh mabagal at malalim tapos close contact yung katawan niyo't nagpapalitan na kayo ng pawis)"
I'm so into this act. Kahit na one night stand lang, pretending were lovers, masarap kaya.
New reader here, I read 3 entries in june 2010, then jump to this entry 2009. WHy? may napansin lang kasi ako, ang LUNGKOT ng blog mo. pero fan na ako kahit nosebleed itong blog mo :-)
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