Haunted

"Ikaw talaga Joms, hindi ka pa rin nakaka-get over sa ex mo?"

"Bakit mo naman nasabi."

"Pinakita mo kaya sa akin yung picture niya. Hawig niya yang crush mo."

I was forced to take a second look at my crush again. Unbelievable as it may seem, but Rain Darwin was right. I was ogling over a guy whose facial features distantly resembles those of my ex-lover's.

He first caught my attention the first time I stepped inside my friend's gym. The crush was doing dumbbell flys in front of the mirror. I tried to ignore his presence knowing that he is just a kid. I never had an eye for kids from the very start. But the more I look at his boyish face, his big rounded eyes and his buzz cut hair, something in me was turning soft. I am crushing on someone not because of mere sexual attraction but something that I cannot fully explain.

We never got to talk that day but I caught him looking at me while teaching new members about the proper way to execute a pull-down exercise. Surely, what caught his interest was the excercise and not the person teaching it. Yet, the fitness instructing I did was enough to lay the ground that would establish our ties the next time we saw each other there.

I returned a week later to play the role of Centurion's personal gym instructor. Rain Darwin was there as well, but he was busy looking after some new members trying out their strength in lifting barbells. Looking around, I found him doing crunches on the abs machine. Sweat rolled down his smooth reddish cheeks as he pulled down the weight of several iron plates toward his belly.

The crush smiled and acknowledged my presence. "Kararating mo lang?" were his first words when I passed in front of him. Told him, I would work out with a friend this time and encouraged him to do more crunches. He nodded his head then went back to completing his sets.

The small conversations we had paid off handsomely, for I learned some interesting details about him. He is a student from a university not far from my place. He works out almost every day to gain the needed mass to bulk up his lean body. We could have engaged ourselves in continuous exchanges of ideas - on fitness - but since my goal was to work out and teach the leader the program I knew, I left him to complete his routine.

Before our session was over, Rain Darwin, Centurion and I revealed each other's crushes in the gym. My two companions, with their natural affinity for twinks pointed out their crushes - lean, squeaky boys in their 17's and 18's. Their crushes are cute, in fairness, save for the leaders' whose boytoy wasn't present when I should up. While Centurion was doing his sit-ups, I pointed to Rain Darwin who my crush was.

We wound up our conversation stealing glances at my crush while wondering what does my attraction meant...

Looking back, Darwin's side comments holed itself deep inside my head like a microchip running my thought process. I cannot deny the truths of his words, especially after concluding the Drowned World episode in Malate last week. (which will be my closing entry for the month of August) The memory of the ex could be as ancient as prehistory, but instincts could not erase the five years I shared an evolution with him.

Subtle as it appears, but me thinks that I am still drawn to that old, undying pulse which still beams his images into my consciousness.

A few weeks ago, I caught glimpse of this new boxer on television which sports newscasters predict to be the next Manny Pacquiao. Loyal Pacman fans will disagree at such claims but when my eyes laid claim to him, I felt this soft spot - this warm reception Pacquiao never got from me.


Life has strange ways of dealing with the past and I am spooked that I see history unveiling every time I stare at the face of Nonito Donaire.