Mugen

Mugen is a word of Japanese origin, meaning dream, fantasy (夢幻), or infinity (無限)

- Wikipedia

Exactly a year ago, I got a letter from ex telling me he reads everything I wrote about us. He knows how I feel about our relationship, the things I did just to forget, and the efforts I made just to get over and move on. I feared that he would find out my secrets. He would read the countless atrocities I committed just to get back at him for messing up my life.

The last time I had a lover, I did my best to hold on despite our growing troubles. Friends knew what was going on and advised me short of ending my relationship. The ex never knew how I felt used when he needed me. He never found out how tough and independent I've become after relying on me for everything he can't do. I held grudges behind his back. My mistake was to let it build up until it came to a point a break-up was inevitable. The ex was unprepared for the separation, and for months, hounded me with his persistent calls to get back together. I never faltered. Mindset calls that I see him as a nightmare. So when he found the old blog and began reading the entries, I've realized I had to delete all and tell no one of my resurrection.

For both of us will constantly remember and never move on.

It took me a year to gather my strength. A year to hide under the great rainbow screen. A year to figure out how to live a life beyond his reach. And a year to give love a chance. But it seems my methods do not work. I remain stuck in limbo. Sometimes the dreariness becomes unbearable, I begin to see life with bitterness and regret.

To become elusive was the result. I don't want others to see me in pain.

Galen is Latin for tranquility. But life has become a tempest upon his presence. I don't blame fate for making things tough. To console myself for the inconvenience, I've learned to set sail no matter what the weather casts. They say my writing has become colder, more melancholic. Others say it has become more depressing. These readers have a point, and from time to time, I try to pull back by embracing the elements I am known in the past.

But nothing can undo history.

Yet there comes a time you begin to long for things you once cherished. I don't know how others see their blogs but mine has always been a barometer of one's state of mind. One element I missed was the optimism. These days, I approach troubles with a cynical head.

I miss remembering with a smile.

I miss being open to people.

I miss...

Lately, mas nagiging vivid ang mga panaginip ko. I don't find it troubling kasi naman parang nung mga nakaraan ay natutulog akong walang laman ang isip. Napapadalas na rin ang mga dapithapong settings at mga scenes na nasa mataas na lugar ako't nakatingin sa malawak na kapatagan. Bihira lang akong nagigising dahil sa masamang panaginip - that I am always thankful for. Part of the reason for resurrecting an old name comes from my subconscious desire to remain hopeful. Nega na kasi ang approach ko sa mga bagay. It seems my life has become too dull.

I don't even have aspirations anymore.

It took me one year to reclaim my spot in blogspace. With 309 entries, 162 followers and hundreds of silent readers, I thank everyone for reading my memoir. A friend once asked if what I wrote were all true.

Yes they are. You can never be a true writer when you lie even to yourself.

Well folks, this is the end of Galen.














It's time again to dream.