Ang sabi nila, para daw tunay na maka-move on sa isang break-up ay kailangan ng closure. Sa kaso ko, matagal pa ang closure na iyon. Hindi pa nga ako handang makipagharap sa aking nakaraan eh. Masyado pang masakit ang mga ala-alang iniwan sa akin ni phanks.
Sa mga buwang lumipas, puro poot at sakit lang ang aking mga tinandaan. Masyado kong binaon sa isip ang mga dahilan kung bakit kailangan ko ng kalayaan. Nakalimutan ko na sa loob ng limang taon naming pagsasama, may mga sweet moments rin kami na nakaligtaang idagdag sa aking mga kuwento. Ang kalimutan ito ng tuluyan ay sobrang unfair hindi lamang para sa kanya kundi pati na rin sa akin. Mabuti na lamang at kahit paano, naging saksi rin itong blog sa mga panahong tunay ko siyang naramdaman sa aking tabi.
Nagkaroon rin kami ng pinagsamahan at ito ang aming mga kwento:
---
"It all began with a tight hug. I was experiencing some violent chills and he felt that my whole body was burning. He rose up and told me to roll to the other side of the bed. He then he returned to the bed and placed himself between me and the wheezing electric fan.
I told him that I am alright. The fever will soon dissipate and he should just sleep instead of worrying about me. But he was stubborn and restless; he rose up, went outside the room and then after a few minutes, returned with a huge mug of water.
"Drink this," he said.
Unable to stand up, he assisted me by placing his hand on my back and then gently pulling me up. I drank only a tiny portion of the liquid since my throat hurts. As I coughed badly, the rain started to pour outside. The skies were as dark as coal but his presence made me feel that despite the bad weather and the foul illness,
Everything was sunny and clear around me.
He then told me to lie down.
A few seconds later, he dabs a finger-full of Vicks Vaporub and rubs it on my aching back. His hands begin to move gently, squeezing every muscle sore that I feel. He is like a seasoned masseur, except that he is never a stranger. From my back, he worked his way towards my hips, then on my shoulders, my chest and my biceps until his soft hands clasped my hands and pulled my fingers until it pops. Occasionally he would kiss a part of my body, as if leaving assured murmurs on that part of the skin he kissed that everything will be alright.
When his massage has finished. I held his hand and told him that of all the parts of my body he squeezed, he missed one part that sought his massage most:
My front..."
A Massage To Remember
August 15, 2007
---
Perhaps, it is his beaming smile consoling me after we got into our little fights, or his simple views in life that keeps me attached to him. Probably it is in the way he remembers to send me sweet nothings, when my thoughts are focused elsewhere. Maybe it is in the contrast of our personality - he, being more extrovert towards the people around him and I, being more reserved and exclusive, even in the most familiar of crowds around me. We don't talk that much about our lives, but our connection is always open throughout the day. We don't share the music we play on the mp3 player, yet the TV channels we watched together could keep us in bed the entire day. On the sides, we are both loners. He may have a lot of people around him, but he never considers anyone his confidants - except me perhaps. I, on the other hand keeps all the trivial matters away from him, except the subtle things that would make us strong perhaps. He knows what weakens me and what keeps me strong, even if he is not aware of it. He loves singing pop songs in a karaoke bar while I cringe when hearing his music and wishes to be some place else when beside him at the same bar. He loves hanging out in the malls for hours, while the mere presence of bargains keeps me away from boutiques because of the material temptations it brings. If we have something we agree about, it's our common cable channel - Discovery Channel and National Geographic. We could stay all day in bed doing our "intimate" sports while the TV is tuned in to those channels. He would say "I love you" when I least expect it, and often in contrast, ignore me completely when I desperately needed his attention most. But it's alright, I am beginning to understand his way of thinking - that he doesn't entertain distractions the way I would like to be distracted all the time. I may have hidden resentment towards him, but his acts of sweetness and his initiative to make up first the moment his anger has subsided prevents me from gravitating towards complete hatred. I think our relationship is relatively odd compared to others, but it is that oddness that keeps us together. It may not be based on conversations or openness but because of the deep, unspoken ties that bind us together. Things still work out - and will still work out as long as he would not call the first shots of separation. You see, I never run away from relationships. My guilt and conscience would not let me do so. I am tested for patience and understanding. For reasons only known to him, he provides me with enough space to enjoy my own identity. Despite his complains about my tendency to dominate him most of the time, still he acknowledges my intervention over his personal affairs. After all, I end up being the problem solver when things fuck up. He may not be my ideal partner at the beginning. But with time and familiarity, I learned how to accept him the was he is and the way he will be. After all, we are involved in each other lives in one way or the other, that eventually such involvement lead to an understanding that beneath our own individual lives, we have always been tied as one.
SO
November 25, 2006
---
Sa mga buwang lumipas, puro poot at sakit lang ang aking mga tinandaan. Masyado kong binaon sa isip ang mga dahilan kung bakit kailangan ko ng kalayaan. Nakalimutan ko na sa loob ng limang taon naming pagsasama, may mga sweet moments rin kami na nakaligtaang idagdag sa aking mga kuwento. Ang kalimutan ito ng tuluyan ay sobrang unfair hindi lamang para sa kanya kundi pati na rin sa akin. Mabuti na lamang at kahit paano, naging saksi rin itong blog sa mga panahong tunay ko siyang naramdaman sa aking tabi.
Nagkaroon rin kami ng pinagsamahan at ito ang aming mga kwento:
---
"It all began with a tight hug. I was experiencing some violent chills and he felt that my whole body was burning. He rose up and told me to roll to the other side of the bed. He then he returned to the bed and placed himself between me and the wheezing electric fan.
I told him that I am alright. The fever will soon dissipate and he should just sleep instead of worrying about me. But he was stubborn and restless; he rose up, went outside the room and then after a few minutes, returned with a huge mug of water.
"Drink this," he said.
Unable to stand up, he assisted me by placing his hand on my back and then gently pulling me up. I drank only a tiny portion of the liquid since my throat hurts. As I coughed badly, the rain started to pour outside. The skies were as dark as coal but his presence made me feel that despite the bad weather and the foul illness,
Everything was sunny and clear around me.
He then told me to lie down.
A few seconds later, he dabs a finger-full of Vicks Vaporub and rubs it on my aching back. His hands begin to move gently, squeezing every muscle sore that I feel. He is like a seasoned masseur, except that he is never a stranger. From my back, he worked his way towards my hips, then on my shoulders, my chest and my biceps until his soft hands clasped my hands and pulled my fingers until it pops. Occasionally he would kiss a part of my body, as if leaving assured murmurs on that part of the skin he kissed that everything will be alright.
When his massage has finished. I held his hand and told him that of all the parts of my body he squeezed, he missed one part that sought his massage most:
My front..."
A Massage To Remember
August 15, 2007
---
Perhaps, it is his beaming smile consoling me after we got into our little fights, or his simple views in life that keeps me attached to him. Probably it is in the way he remembers to send me sweet nothings, when my thoughts are focused elsewhere. Maybe it is in the contrast of our personality - he, being more extrovert towards the people around him and I, being more reserved and exclusive, even in the most familiar of crowds around me. We don't talk that much about our lives, but our connection is always open throughout the day. We don't share the music we play on the mp3 player, yet the TV channels we watched together could keep us in bed the entire day. On the sides, we are both loners. He may have a lot of people around him, but he never considers anyone his confidants - except me perhaps. I, on the other hand keeps all the trivial matters away from him, except the subtle things that would make us strong perhaps. He knows what weakens me and what keeps me strong, even if he is not aware of it. He loves singing pop songs in a karaoke bar while I cringe when hearing his music and wishes to be some place else when beside him at the same bar. He loves hanging out in the malls for hours, while the mere presence of bargains keeps me away from boutiques because of the material temptations it brings. If we have something we agree about, it's our common cable channel - Discovery Channel and National Geographic. We could stay all day in bed doing our "intimate" sports while the TV is tuned in to those channels. He would say "I love you" when I least expect it, and often in contrast, ignore me completely when I desperately needed his attention most. But it's alright, I am beginning to understand his way of thinking - that he doesn't entertain distractions the way I would like to be distracted all the time. I may have hidden resentment towards him, but his acts of sweetness and his initiative to make up first the moment his anger has subsided prevents me from gravitating towards complete hatred. I think our relationship is relatively odd compared to others, but it is that oddness that keeps us together. It may not be based on conversations or openness but because of the deep, unspoken ties that bind us together. Things still work out - and will still work out as long as he would not call the first shots of separation. You see, I never run away from relationships. My guilt and conscience would not let me do so. I am tested for patience and understanding. For reasons only known to him, he provides me with enough space to enjoy my own identity. Despite his complains about my tendency to dominate him most of the time, still he acknowledges my intervention over his personal affairs. After all, I end up being the problem solver when things fuck up. He may not be my ideal partner at the beginning. But with time and familiarity, I learned how to accept him the was he is and the way he will be. After all, we are involved in each other lives in one way or the other, that eventually such involvement lead to an understanding that beneath our own individual lives, we have always been tied as one.
SO
November 25, 2006
---
I can see the worry on my mom's face when he saw phanks, especially when she found out that Phanks brought a lot of things with him.
But being a good host that we are, she just ignored her thoughts. Besides, my sister would be gone for two weeks so its easy to make an excuse that Phanks would be staying in to keep us company.
However, for some reasons, my buddy told my mom that he just had a trangkaso, which worried my mom even more. That evening mother asked me not to let phanks sleep on my bed.
Which of course, I ignored.
For two days, Phanks never left my room except to eat or go to the bathroom. But he assured me that after he regain his strength he would go back to school.
The maids were quite nice to him as well. They never complained whenever phanks wore my shirt or tops, or whether he wore my shorts or used my towel. While at work, I called home to check whether my guest have eaten his breakfast or he skipped it out of shyness.
He became part of the house and everyone became used to him.
Live-In
February 21 2006
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Dumating kami ng Malate Church ngunit sarado na ito kaya nagpasya na lang kaming magdinner sa Shakey's. Habang nagiintay sa aming hapunan, di ko naiwasang mag-open ng isang issue na matutuloy pala sa isang argumento. So hayun, nagdadate kami pero muntik-muntikan na kaming mag-away. Para maiwasan pa ang napipintong pagwawalk-out ng isa samin, sabi ko sarado na ang issue. Na bring up ko na ang problema, at wala na siyang maidedepensa sa akin.
Pagkatapos nun ay katahimikan. Wala kaming imikan habang iniintay ang aming combo meal.
Alam ko, pareho kaming badtrip at wala sa mood. Pero narealize ko na isa itong mahalagang araw para sa amin. Ayoko sanang mauwi ang gabing ito na may samaan kami ng loob sa isa't isa... na nagcelebrate kami ng isang napakawalang kwenta anniversary.
Tumingin ako sa kanya, tumitig ng matagal kahit maraming tao sa paligid makuha ko lang ang attensyon ng binatilyo. Nang mapansin niya ako't nagsimula na rin siyang makipagtitigan, hiniritan ko ang buddy ko.
"Happy Annivesary Pangga" bulong ko sa kanya. Ngiti ang isinauli niya sa akin.
Pagkatapos nun ay katahimikan. Wala kaming imikan habang iniintay ang aming combo meal.
Alam ko, pareho kaming badtrip at wala sa mood. Pero narealize ko na isa itong mahalagang araw para sa amin. Ayoko sanang mauwi ang gabing ito na may samaan kami ng loob sa isa't isa... na nagcelebrate kami ng isang napakawalang kwenta anniversary.
Tumingin ako sa kanya, tumitig ng matagal kahit maraming tao sa paligid makuha ko lang ang attensyon ng binatilyo. Nang mapansin niya ako't nagsimula na rin siyang makipagtitigan, hiniritan ko ang buddy ko.
"Happy Annivesary Pangga" bulong ko sa kanya. Ngiti ang isinauli niya sa akin.
Anniversary Night
April 21, 2004
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Matapos ang trenta minutos, nagkita rin kami sa wakas.
Tama ang sabi niya, napakapayat niya at maliit pa. Parang David at Goliath ang pagitan naming dalawa pero malakas pa rin ang appeal ng maamo niyang mukha sa sakin. Kumain kami sa McDonalds bago kami magsimulang maglakad-lakad sa palibot ng Ermita. Ako pa nga ang tumaya sa kanya dahil alam kong deins niya kayang ilibre ako. Isa pa, kaibigan naman ang turing ko sa kanya noong mga oras na yun kaya balewala sakin kung man-libre ako o hindi.
Matapos naming kumain, naglakad kami sa Baywalk at nagkwentuhan tungkol sa mga nakaraang relasyon namin. Naikwento niya yung dalawang naging badi-badihan na parang ginamit lang siyang pangparausan samantalang siya naman akala niya eh pwede siyang seryosohin noong taong nakilala niya.
Ako naman, naikwento ko ulit, for the Nth time ang sentiments ko tungkol kay ex. Sinabi ko sa kanya na naghahalo ang pagkamiss at pait ng pangloloko niya sa akin. Bandang huli, narealize ko na masyado na akong nagiging OA sa pagkamiss ko sa relasyon namin ni Yul. Nasabi ko tuloy sa kanya na yun na ang huling beses na ikwekwento ko ang nakaraan ko sa sinumang magtanong sa akin...
Ang Lalaki at Ang Ulan
April 21, 2003
Reposted July 13, 2005
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Limang buwan ko na tinatamasa ang aking kalayaan. Sa loob ng mga buwang iyon, di mabibilang ang mga pagkakataon kung saan maari akong magseryoso ng bago. Sa tuwing nararamdaman ko ang bulusok ng ibang tao sa buhay ko, bigla-bigla akong kumakambyo. Akala ko ay dahil ito sa mga standards na si-net ko noong huling araw ng November. Ngayon, tingin ko ay dahil ito sa hindi makakailang pakiramdam ng attachment sa aking nakaraan.
Hindi ko pinapangarap ang makipagbalikan. Subalit nakikita kong mahirap ang aking susuungin matumbasan lang ang lahat ng pinagdaanan namin ni Phanks. At habang tumatagal, habang bumabaon sa akin ang mga ala-alang kagaya nito, lagi kong iniisip.
Makakapagsimula pa kaya akong muli? Paano kaya ang taong aking iniwan, kamusta na kaya siya?
---
Naging ugali ko na ang pagsisindi ng tatlong kandila matapos magdasal sa Santa Clara. Ang ikatlo ay para sa darating - maging sino man siya - upang malaman niya na sa mga hapong iyon ay may nagdadasal para sa kanyang kapayapaan at kaligtasan. Ang ikalawa ay para sa lahat ng mahal ko sa buhay - pamilya, kamag-anak at pati na rin mga kaibigan.
Ang ang una ay para sa nakaraan - kay phanks - upang magkaroon siya ng lakas ng loob mabuhay ng malayo sa akin. Ang aking panalangin ay para sa kanyang kalusugan, kaginhawaan at tagumpay sa pag-aaral.
Hindi ko pinapangarap ang makipagbalikan. Subalit nakikita kong mahirap ang aking susuungin matumbasan lang ang lahat ng pinagdaanan namin ni Phanks. At habang tumatagal, habang bumabaon sa akin ang mga ala-alang kagaya nito, lagi kong iniisip.
Makakapagsimula pa kaya akong muli? Paano kaya ang taong aking iniwan, kamusta na kaya siya?
---
Naging ugali ko na ang pagsisindi ng tatlong kandila matapos magdasal sa Santa Clara. Ang ikatlo ay para sa darating - maging sino man siya - upang malaman niya na sa mga hapong iyon ay may nagdadasal para sa kanyang kapayapaan at kaligtasan. Ang ikalawa ay para sa lahat ng mahal ko sa buhay - pamilya, kamag-anak at pati na rin mga kaibigan.
Ang ang una ay para sa nakaraan - kay phanks - upang magkaroon siya ng lakas ng loob mabuhay ng malayo sa akin. Ang aking panalangin ay para sa kanyang kalusugan, kaginhawaan at tagumpay sa pag-aaral.
Higit sa lahat, ang unang kandila ay para sa kanya - upang ipanalangin na sana ay lumigaya na siya at makahanap ng mamahaling
iba.
iba.
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