[12:02] kidblogger001: pero ewan ko..
[12:02] kidblogger001: kasi..
[12:02] kidblogger001: gustong gusto ko yung feeling na..
[12:02] kidblogger001: pinagtitinginan ka.
[12:02] MuGen: ano?
[12:02] kidblogger001: lalu na ng mga bakla.
[12:02] kidblogger001: haha.
[12:02] kidblogger001: alam mong sabik sau.
[12:02] kidblogger001: haha
[12:02] MuGen: may itsura ka naman eh
[12:02] MuGen: pero don't get it into your head
[12:03] MuGen: dapat maging challenge mo
[12:03] MuGen: paano mo makukuha ang attention
[12:03] MuGen: ng mas superior sayo
[12:03] MuGen: sa katawan saka sa looks
[12:04] kidblogger001: ahh.
[12:04] kidblogger001: tama.
[12:04] kidblogger001: pero sa totoo lang,
[12:05] kidblogger001: ginagawa ko nlng to..
[12:05] kidblogger001: just for fun. ayaw ko ng seryosohin.
---
There he was, having his alone time beside the window. Impressions tell that he was not in the mood to mingle with the people in our table. I glanced at him from a distance only to see his eyes fixed at the road outside. It was clear that something was bothering him but being a newbie in the group, to reach out would make me appear too cocky to those who met him before I arrived.
Some of the guys from our thread would interrupt his solitary confinement. They would pull his hand and coax him to join us in our wild abandonment. He would respond to the invitation by sliding his butt from the bar stool. He would then stand in one corner and thump his feet and nod his head to the sound of music to make it appear that he was dancing.
After a house track has finished playing, he would quietly slip from our circle and reach his hand to pick a bottle of beer he left on the table. He would empty the bottle with one gulp before returning to his stool and fix his gaze back to the road outside the window.
It must be my tendency to be drawn to people who seldom speak that lead me closer to him. After all, there seems to be a natural attraction between two non-straight men who find each other deem masculine for their taste. Barely an hour since I arrived, we were already exchanging pleasantries in one corner as prying eyes turn toward our direction.
I found out weeks later that the reason for the sudden coldness among several of the attendees was because he was the apple of the eye during the grand eye ball.
And there we were, suddenly getting comfortable with one another.
---
[12:05] MuGen: bata ka pa
[12:05] MuGen: so you can afford to have fun
[12:06] MuGen: basta ingat ka lang dude
[12:06] MuGen: 18 ka tama ba?
[12:07] kidblogger001: uu.
[12:07] kidblogger001: 18..
[12:07] kidblogger001: salamat..
[12:07] kidblogger001: hehe..
[12:07] MuGen: normal yan
[12:07] MuGen: malibog
[12:07] MuGen: aggressive
[12:07] MuGen: may mga nagagawa ako ng 21
[12:07] MuGen: na hindi ko maimagine na gagawin ko ngayong 27 na ako
[12:07] kidblogger001: like wut?
[12:07] MuGen: yoko sabihin sayo
[12:07] MuGen: mag ka idea ka pa
[12:08] kidblogger001: ganun?
[12:08] kidblogger001: haha.
---
I found out during the course of our conversation that the guy he was courting for many weeks suddenly picked someone to become his new lover. I didn't speak much that night, and instead listened as he recounted the things he did in order to win the guy's affection. For a tall, chinito guy like him, I think he was a good catch. I even made enemies just for having a monopoly of his attention. But since it was my first real encounter with a non-straight guy who thinks and acts like me, I was more fascinated in becoming his buddy. After all, I was still in a heterosexual relationship and I just couldn't imagine having a girl and a guy being my lovers.
The night ended with us exchanging numbers. I left earlier than the rest since they were all drunk and I could already feel that some of them didn't want my presence. Upon returning to the party meeting, the core group was still arguing about the expenses and logistics of running the elections. Meanwhile, the candidates rehearsed their speeches at the far end of the room.
Things would have appeared normal except for me, whose eyes suddenly had this spark after my first grand eye ball. For the first time, I never felt alone. Someone actually understood the troubles running in my head. To live a double life I am against wasn't easy, but to know that another person shares the same struggles I have was enough to overcome the burdens of denying myself of the truth:
I am attracted to another guy and there's no other way but to accept it as a fact.
---
[12:08] kidblogger001: so dami ok pa plng di alam.
[12:08] kidblogger001: kung baga rookie plang ako.
[12:08] MuGen: hindi ka naman pwede maging expert kaagad eh
[12:08] MuGen: kahit ako hindi ko masasabing expert ako nu
[12:09] MuGen: palaban lang ako pag hinahamon
[12:10] kidblogger001: ah. pero alam mong mali diba?
[12:10] MuGen: mali alin?
[12:11] kidblogger001: mali ang lahat ng ito.
[12:11] MuGen: hindi
[12:11] MuGen: society lang nagdidikta sa atin na mali ito.
[12:11] MuGen: pusta ko sayo
[12:11] MuGen: kapag 30 ka na
[12:11] MuGen: hindi na big deal
[12:11] MuGen: kung straight ka
[12:11] MuGen: o bading ka
[12:11] MuGen: o bi ka.
---
It was almost morning and my text exchanges with FireArcher never stopped We talked about our longings and yes, even our desire to see each other soon. Reading between the lines, the messages revealed our mutual interest for one another. I just couldn't admit it. As my party mates retreat for some rest, I looked at our effeminate colleagues with a smile on my face. They returned the favor by raising an eyebrow as they passed in front of me.
At the back of my head. All I could muster was an act of surrender. There was no use holding on, for my insatiable appetite to discover my new-found sexuality has reached levels that could never be controlled anymore. With our first encounter still burning in my memory, I decided to know him more.
I retreated into the night with these lines ending my first gay poem.
I,
a suppose to be
impenetrable fortress
has become a mudbrick
withering after ages of hiding
You
burn me relentlessly
in the most secret
of the nights
---
-tobecontinued-
[12:02] kidblogger001: kasi..
[12:02] kidblogger001: gustong gusto ko yung feeling na..
[12:02] kidblogger001: pinagtitinginan ka.
[12:02] MuGen: ano?
[12:02] kidblogger001: lalu na ng mga bakla.
[12:02] kidblogger001: haha.
[12:02] kidblogger001: alam mong sabik sau.
[12:02] kidblogger001: haha
[12:02] MuGen: may itsura ka naman eh
[12:02] MuGen: pero don't get it into your head
[12:03] MuGen: dapat maging challenge mo
[12:03] MuGen: paano mo makukuha ang attention
[12:03] MuGen: ng mas superior sayo
[12:03] MuGen: sa katawan saka sa looks
[12:04] kidblogger001: ahh.
[12:04] kidblogger001: tama.
[12:04] kidblogger001: pero sa totoo lang,
[12:05] kidblogger001: ginagawa ko nlng to..
[12:05] kidblogger001: just for fun. ayaw ko ng seryosohin.
---
There he was, having his alone time beside the window. Impressions tell that he was not in the mood to mingle with the people in our table. I glanced at him from a distance only to see his eyes fixed at the road outside. It was clear that something was bothering him but being a newbie in the group, to reach out would make me appear too cocky to those who met him before I arrived.
Some of the guys from our thread would interrupt his solitary confinement. They would pull his hand and coax him to join us in our wild abandonment. He would respond to the invitation by sliding his butt from the bar stool. He would then stand in one corner and thump his feet and nod his head to the sound of music to make it appear that he was dancing.
After a house track has finished playing, he would quietly slip from our circle and reach his hand to pick a bottle of beer he left on the table. He would empty the bottle with one gulp before returning to his stool and fix his gaze back to the road outside the window.
It must be my tendency to be drawn to people who seldom speak that lead me closer to him. After all, there seems to be a natural attraction between two non-straight men who find each other deem masculine for their taste. Barely an hour since I arrived, we were already exchanging pleasantries in one corner as prying eyes turn toward our direction.
I found out weeks later that the reason for the sudden coldness among several of the attendees was because he was the apple of the eye during the grand eye ball.
And there we were, suddenly getting comfortable with one another.
---
[12:05] MuGen: bata ka pa
[12:05] MuGen: so you can afford to have fun
[12:06] MuGen: basta ingat ka lang dude
[12:06] MuGen: 18 ka tama ba?
[12:07] kidblogger001: uu.
[12:07] kidblogger001: 18..
[12:07] kidblogger001: salamat..
[12:07] kidblogger001: hehe..
[12:07] MuGen: normal yan
[12:07] MuGen: malibog
[12:07] MuGen: aggressive
[12:07] MuGen: may mga nagagawa ako ng 21
[12:07] MuGen: na hindi ko maimagine na gagawin ko ngayong 27 na ako
[12:07] kidblogger001: like wut?
[12:07] MuGen: yoko sabihin sayo
[12:07] MuGen: mag ka idea ka pa
[12:08] kidblogger001: ganun?
[12:08] kidblogger001: haha.
---
I found out during the course of our conversation that the guy he was courting for many weeks suddenly picked someone to become his new lover. I didn't speak much that night, and instead listened as he recounted the things he did in order to win the guy's affection. For a tall, chinito guy like him, I think he was a good catch. I even made enemies just for having a monopoly of his attention. But since it was my first real encounter with a non-straight guy who thinks and acts like me, I was more fascinated in becoming his buddy. After all, I was still in a heterosexual relationship and I just couldn't imagine having a girl and a guy being my lovers.
The night ended with us exchanging numbers. I left earlier than the rest since they were all drunk and I could already feel that some of them didn't want my presence. Upon returning to the party meeting, the core group was still arguing about the expenses and logistics of running the elections. Meanwhile, the candidates rehearsed their speeches at the far end of the room.
Things would have appeared normal except for me, whose eyes suddenly had this spark after my first grand eye ball. For the first time, I never felt alone. Someone actually understood the troubles running in my head. To live a double life I am against wasn't easy, but to know that another person shares the same struggles I have was enough to overcome the burdens of denying myself of the truth:
I am attracted to another guy and there's no other way but to accept it as a fact.
---
[12:08] kidblogger001: so dami ok pa plng di alam.
[12:08] kidblogger001: kung baga rookie plang ako.
[12:08] MuGen: hindi ka naman pwede maging expert kaagad eh
[12:08] MuGen: kahit ako hindi ko masasabing expert ako nu
[12:09] MuGen: palaban lang ako pag hinahamon
[12:10] kidblogger001: ah. pero alam mong mali diba?
[12:10] MuGen: mali alin?
[12:11] kidblogger001: mali ang lahat ng ito.
[12:11] MuGen: hindi
[12:11] MuGen: society lang nagdidikta sa atin na mali ito.
[12:11] MuGen: pusta ko sayo
[12:11] MuGen: kapag 30 ka na
[12:11] MuGen: hindi na big deal
[12:11] MuGen: kung straight ka
[12:11] MuGen: o bading ka
[12:11] MuGen: o bi ka.
---
It was almost morning and my text exchanges with FireArcher never stopped We talked about our longings and yes, even our desire to see each other soon. Reading between the lines, the messages revealed our mutual interest for one another. I just couldn't admit it. As my party mates retreat for some rest, I looked at our effeminate colleagues with a smile on my face. They returned the favor by raising an eyebrow as they passed in front of me.
At the back of my head. All I could muster was an act of surrender. There was no use holding on, for my insatiable appetite to discover my new-found sexuality has reached levels that could never be controlled anymore. With our first encounter still burning in my memory, I decided to know him more.
I retreated into the night with these lines ending my first gay poem.
I,
a suppose to be
impenetrable fortress
has become a mudbrick
withering after ages of hiding
You
burn me relentlessly
in the most secret
of the nights
---
-tobecontinued-
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