It's been a month since I began harboring thoughts of death.
And these past few weeks, the thoughts had already invaded even the sanctuary of my dreams.
Take for example this morning. I dreamed of a funeral procession of some people I don't know. I won't get into details, lest people might give another scarier interpretation of my dream. But it was a very harrowing experience. I woke up shaking under the sheets. My head was throbbing in pain and my thoughts were desperately clinging to the last bits of memory of that nightmare. It's like I'm trying to recount the scenes to scare myself to utter submission. It took me sometime before I could regain my composure and in my most helpless state, all I could do is hide under the comforter while reciting the Lord's prayer.
I am not good with interpretations. Nevertheless, the dream was something extremely disturbing and it gave me some massive blows even before I began my day. Gone are my dreams of sunsets, in high places looking at an endless field below. Gone also are my dreams of stretching my neck to look at the purplish sky and bask in a moment's harmony while staring at the sky above.
If one would open my heart these days, that person would discover a very very distant Joms swallowed completely by his own fears. I wouldn't tell what fears these are, but I can say that they are sufficient enough to drive me in a prolonged state of agony. Looking at the signs I have read in Wikipedia some days ago, I could only assume that what I am experiencing right now is a major depressive disorder.
The only difference is, I don't feel like talking about it with anyone and I'm struggling to get past it by adopting methods that would keep me distracted such as:
I told Mami Athena about the dream I had this morning. Its effect was so severe that I decided not to go to work this afternoon. She told me that it represents a beginning of something and I shouldn't worry about it. I don't know where she got the interpretation, but I think she is right with her reading on one very important aspect:
I am not sure what new beginnings I would face, but indeed, I am changing.
In the past few entries, I admitted that I've lost interest in many PLU affairs. I got bored with sex. I don't find night-outs thrilling anymore and I have completely become unacquainted with the night environment. The first thing that would come to mind the moment my shift ends is home.
In other words, I have turned against many of my hedonistic pursuits.
And lately, I've been thinking about the relevance of having a G4 account when I know that I have closed my doors to anyone who would force me to come out of my hermetic existence. You see, even in my heydays, I never used that website to its full capacity. What does it serve me, now that my path leads me to the opposite direction of my former life?
Therefore, I have come to conclusion that I won't need my Guys4Men account anymore. It made me connect with many powerful people, but its harsh, sad and cruel environment had finally awakened my senses.
I hope this is what Mami's interpretation of my dream is about. Now that G4M is out of my system, I hope this changes would open new heights of existence just like what she told me not so long ago.
And these past few weeks, the thoughts had already invaded even the sanctuary of my dreams.
Take for example this morning. I dreamed of a funeral procession of some people I don't know. I won't get into details, lest people might give another scarier interpretation of my dream. But it was a very harrowing experience. I woke up shaking under the sheets. My head was throbbing in pain and my thoughts were desperately clinging to the last bits of memory of that nightmare. It's like I'm trying to recount the scenes to scare myself to utter submission. It took me sometime before I could regain my composure and in my most helpless state, all I could do is hide under the comforter while reciting the Lord's prayer.
I am not good with interpretations. Nevertheless, the dream was something extremely disturbing and it gave me some massive blows even before I began my day. Gone are my dreams of sunsets, in high places looking at an endless field below. Gone also are my dreams of stretching my neck to look at the purplish sky and bask in a moment's harmony while staring at the sky above.
If one would open my heart these days, that person would discover a very very distant Joms swallowed completely by his own fears. I wouldn't tell what fears these are, but I can say that they are sufficient enough to drive me in a prolonged state of agony. Looking at the signs I have read in Wikipedia some days ago, I could only assume that what I am experiencing right now is a major depressive disorder.
The only difference is, I don't feel like talking about it with anyone and I'm struggling to get past it by adopting methods that would keep me distracted such as:
- Watching cartoons from Nickolodeon and Animax at 2 in the morning
- Playing my favorite video games like Civilization 4 (I would re-install Sims 2 on my computer after I'm done with my papers)
- Puffing Cigarettes or Huffing Vicks Vaporub
- Oversleeping
- Insisting to be locked up in my room.
I told Mami Athena about the dream I had this morning. Its effect was so severe that I decided not to go to work this afternoon. She told me that it represents a beginning of something and I shouldn't worry about it. I don't know where she got the interpretation, but I think she is right with her reading on one very important aspect:
I am not sure what new beginnings I would face, but indeed, I am changing.
In the past few entries, I admitted that I've lost interest in many PLU affairs. I got bored with sex. I don't find night-outs thrilling anymore and I have completely become unacquainted with the night environment. The first thing that would come to mind the moment my shift ends is home.
In other words, I have turned against many of my hedonistic pursuits.
And lately, I've been thinking about the relevance of having a G4 account when I know that I have closed my doors to anyone who would force me to come out of my hermetic existence. You see, even in my heydays, I never used that website to its full capacity. What does it serve me, now that my path leads me to the opposite direction of my former life?
Therefore, I have come to conclusion that I won't need my Guys4Men account anymore. It made me connect with many powerful people, but its harsh, sad and cruel environment had finally awakened my senses.
I hope this is what Mami's interpretation of my dream is about. Now that G4M is out of my system, I hope this changes would open new heights of existence just like what she told me not so long ago.
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