Terror Stricken

"Hurt. Marlon admitted to me that he's been fooling with other guys the whole duration that we're together. He has been fooling with 4 other guys before I caught him. tsk tsk tsk... man,"

I would have responded to Econ's entry last night, but when I felt that my emotions are really overpowering me, I said to myself that it was better to postpone this for another day.

You see, I've been in Henry's situation before. I guess I wrote it bluntly in his comments about how my ex-bud told me that he fucked my friend's nephew and described in full detail how both of them enjoyed it.

I know, I had my revenge too. I'm really not the goody-goody type who would just sit down in one corner, and cry - I would have responded the way someone did those things to me, and do my deed without any sign of guilt.

But somehow, knowing that he was the one who betrayed me first feels like I was still the real loser in this case.

I trusted the guy. I even wrote a long letter telling him how confident I am that he was not doing anything behind my back. That I'm a better sex mate than anyone he would encounter while I am around when in fact he's doing it already. No wonder, he never responded back because the guilt was in him. That he's already doing it already with the kid.

There were even times that I am talking to him on the phone, telling him how much I loved him, not knowing that beside him in his dorm was that fucking guy who just had a wild and steamy sex with him.

My ex-bud told me everything... and I was speechless the whole time, even if we're already exes for months.

"The whole time I was led to believe that I was the only one in his life. I was practically bamboozled and cheated. damn... I was betrayed the whole time... When I asked him why, he just said that he needed someone else to give him more, to satiate his cravings for sex."

The whole time, I was lead on to believe that he remains faithful to me - at least even a little bit. Kakayanin ko yung araw-araw na pag-aaway namin masiguro lang na ako lang ang lalaki sa buhay niya. Pero hindi eh. Just like a lot of PLUs, his reason was the same - he needed someone else to give him more, to satiate his cravings for sex.

Bakit, lalaki rin naman ako ah! Mas tigasin pa nga ako sa kanya ah. Meron rin akong sariling cravings ko sa sex, and I wouldn't hesitate to find another top since my ex really bores me when it comes to foreplay. Pero hindi eh, masyado kasi akong naninindigan sa monogamy kaya nagago ako.

Tangina, it's been one whole fucking year already but this monster would never leave me! I am always haunted by this experience every time I would learn someone had experienced it too.

And slowly, it grinds into my present relationship with Phanks. It makes me a little paranoid, somewhat uncomfortable. I felt like I am a little withdrawn from the relationship because these reminders have invaded my mind again.

And it terrorizes me. Panic-stricken, I would have run into the chatrooms again, or spent more time cruising in sleazy places only to feel better. However, the present knows how to deal with my past, consciously or unconsciously, he knows how to make me feel ok when these things haunt me...

I know, he had assured me a thousand times over. We have waged countless wars because of this and threatened him countless times that I would never hesitate to break this relationship if I found out that he is cheating me. It would be a very hard and painful decision, but I would never think twice about breaking it.

Like what I've said over and over again: Once the glass is broken, it will never be fixed.

This feeling would linger for some time. Hopefully, it would never be a source of a fight between us. It wouldn't be necessary to talk about these things with him again, for I understand how tiring and stressful it is for him to learn that these worries still reside within me. I would simply keep my guard.

Relationships are good when you feel secure with your partner. A relationship is a hell when things such as in econ's story happen.

...It would have given me another reason to fuck and mess around with some other fucker's life.