Emo One

Speaking of kids*, I searched my closet this evening for a journal I kept in my early college years.

Although the word emo hasn't gone mainstream yet, my scribbles undeniably bear the mark of an eighteen-year old, angst-ridden boy struggling to fit into his material-driven new environment.

Nakakatuwa lang.

Had I known that things would fit into their proper places soon, I wouldn't have troubled myself thinking of petty issues such as:

puppy love,
insecurity,
coolness,
japorms,
newfound "astig" barkada
girls...

I should have let things go instead of chasing them in circles. But, looking back. I wouldn't learn anything at all, had I avoided getting hurt in the process of discovering myself.

---

Apologies for the grammar and thought lapses.

A week ago, I met a goddess. Then I broke the silence. And then I realized my childishness and then, I slowly began to open up. But deep inside, I am anxious, afraid and paranoid. Am I on the right track?

Yes, honestly I am following his ( my bestfriend) steps because he is far more advanced than me. But am I doin it right? Am I already cool? Or am I ruining myself even more?"

- gms, questions that needed to be answered. 1999

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Stuck between the moment of silence,
I would like to speak of the fears and realities
I have faced
Of facing myself and trying
to hide the others.
The storms have passed away
yet the coldness of insanity
still gives me the chills.

Revulsions, I feel.

I think I don't want to move on.
I know how to love
but other's don't want to love me.

In four semesters that have passed
I have done nothing.
I always failed and the blame I have
given to myself loosens me up.

Why do I want to try everything?
Am I vain enough?
Why I am jealous and amazed by others
who I think is more than me

While in fact... I am more than them?

Why do I hide myself
while it is never true**?
Is it that, I don't know myself?
Or I'm just afraid of others
of what would they think of me?

Why do I never trust myself
and declare myself a loser,
a sucker and a moron
while others admire me?

There are still many questions
I wanted to ask. Questions
that I don't know if I could answer soon.
The sadness is wearing off and
Hunger sets in.
May one day, I would learn.

I wish I may find the other part
of me.

And I do hope that after this experience,
I would learn to love myself.

After loving others for too long.

- A dialogue to myself. 1999.

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* The Need to be the Nanay entry
** Sexuality Issues

A year later. I stopped attempting to be cool and instead, embraced the koboy way